1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A company brought in a new CEO, Richard, hoping he’d turn things around and make operations run smoother.
On his first day, Richard decided to weed out any slackers. While walking around the office, he spotted a young guy leaning against a wall, not doing much of anything.
Richard saw his chance to make a statement. He marched up to the guy and asked, “How much do you make in a week?”
The guy replied, “$200. Why?”
With everyone watching, Richard pulled out his wallet, handed the guy $200, and said, “Here’s a week’s pay. Now get out and don’t come back. We don’t need lazy people like you here!”
Feeling proud of himself, Richard turned to the rest of the team and asked, “So, what exactly did that guy do here?”
A senior employee hesitated for a moment before saying, “Uh… that was the pizza delivery guy.”
https://redd.it/1gz6fgd
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I just found my first grey pube today
Just wish it wasn’t in my coffee I got from McDonald’s
https://redd.it/1gyzuw4
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A man and woman who had never met before or found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train..
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
https://redd.it/1gyy3zh
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Why do French people have only one egg for breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
https://redd.it/1gyosun
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I call my wife Bambi…
She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...
But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
https://redd.it/1gyivdy
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What's the least-spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
https://redd.it/1gy9mz7
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Why does Santa have such a large sack?
He only comes once a year
https://redd.it/1gy1mzy
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My girlfriend asked me with a naughty smile: "Shall we go bowling tonight or stay home?"
I replied: "I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty fat hands. Let's go bowling!"
https://redd.it/1gxxka1
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What's the difference between sex and a salad
It only matters where you put the cucumber
https://redd.it/1gxpmck
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What do you call 2 cannibals giving each other blowjobs?
Trust
https://redd.it/1gxnsg2
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What's worse than waking up after a blackout drunk with a big penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced
https://redd.it/1gxfnmm
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TIL: The movie “Speed” starring Keanu Reeves didn’t have a director.
Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called “Velocity”.
https://redd.it/1gx710q
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There’s a small remote island in the Atlantic Ocean where everyone is black except one white guy who’s a scientist..
The chief of the island walks up to the scientist and says: My wife just had a child and it’s white. Scientist starts panicking and says its genetics. He gives the chief and example with sheep, you see those sheep over there, all of the sheep are white except one black one. The chief looks at the scientist and says: Ok i'll be quite about the baby if you don't mention the sheep.
https://redd.it/1gx2k8f
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What do you call a guy from Jamaica who likes to touch people?
A pokemon.
https://redd.it/1gwq4rr
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My kid told me I was looking extra skinny today.
"Thanks" I replied warily as I am quite overweight.
"You know... because all of the extra skin."
https://redd.it/1gwl3v0
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Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm were on a road trip and got pulled over.
Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm were on a road trip and got pulled over.
Heisenberg was driving and the cop asked him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replied.
The cop said, “You were going 80 miles an hour.”
Heisenberg threw up his hands and shouted, “Great! Now I’m lost!”
The cop thought this was suspicious and ordered him to pop the trunk.
He checked it out and said, “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?”
“We do now, asshole!” shouted Schrödinger.
The cop tried to arrest them.
Ohm resists.
https://redd.it/1gz7fz2
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What can a man do while standing up, a woman do while sitting, and dog do with one leg lifted?
Shake hands.
https://redd.it/1gyvqkc
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My wife asked me, "Why are you so calm?". I replied, "I never argue with stupid people. I just say 'you're right' and move on. She responded, "That's ridiculous!". To which I replied,
"You're right."
https://redd.it/1gyr8vk
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A cruise ship is passing by an island in the middle of the Pacific, when a crewmember suddenly spots a man dressed in rags on the shore, frantically waving at them.
They send an emergency raft to the island, and bring him aboard. He tells them that he'd been stranded on the island for the past five years. After some rest and a medical check-up, he's willing to take them to the island.
When they get there, they see four large huts.
"This one," he says, "is my bedroom. After a long day's work, I can stay here for a while and rest."
"This one is my kitchen. I prepare my food here after scavenging around the island, and then I eat it here."
"And finally," he says, pointing to the third hut, "this is my synagogue. This is where I went three times a day to pray."
"And what's this fourth hut?" they all ask him.
Shaking his head, he says, "Oy! That's the *other* synagogue. I wouldn't go there if you **paid** me!"
https://redd.it/1gyhdqo
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I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much.
But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
https://redd.it/1gyba5i
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My wife left me because I’m insecure
No wait, she’s back. She just went to get coffee.
https://redd.it/1gy9iv4
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My German friend asked me, “What’s a 3 letter word for compete?”
Me: Vie.
Friend: Because I’m trying to do the crossword.
https://redd.it/1gxx5m0
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What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes
https://redd.it/1gxtbl2
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My mathematician ex girlfriend was obsessed with discovering the largest known prime number.
I wonder….what she’s up to now.
https://redd.it/1gxo59d
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(Dad) "Go to your room now!" (Son) "Jim Morrison was overrated!"
(Dad) "What did I tell you about slamming Doors in this house?"
https://redd.it/1gxdkpc
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There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary, those who don't…
and those who didn't expect a joke in base 3.
https://redd.it/1gx8jv6
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A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
https://redd.it/1gwz5h7
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15 Pounds
A guys grandpa was at home after having recent heart surgery. Since Recovery came with some physical restrictions he was helping his grandpa re-arrange things in the Kitchen for easier use.
Grandpa took a rest, looked down and just sighed, "I'm no longer supposed to lift anything greater than 15 pounds"
With a sad shake of his head, "So, from now on I'll have to pee sitting down..."
Edit: True story. I got this from a guy on Reddit who was reminiscing about his grandfather's death. His grandpa said this line in a room full of his children and grandchildren. They fell to the floor laughing.
https://redd.it/1gwvecn
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Unfortunately, the cross-eyed teacher at my son's school was fired today.
It seems she couldn't control her pupils.
https://redd.it/1gwofpg
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What do you call one banana eating another banana?
Cannibananalism...
https://redd.it/1gwh4h2
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