1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
How do you get a sweet little old lady to say “Fuck”
Get another sweet little old lady to say “Bingo!”
https://redd.it/1lnyxeq
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One day, many years ago there was a man who didn't drink any beer.
But it was many years ago and it was only for that one day.
https://redd.it/1lntk0n
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I was awaken with oral sex this morning!
I learned not to fall asleep with the mouth open on the train.
https://redd.it/1lnfgz1
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Aliens are invading Earth and humanity's fate resides in telling them ONE original joke
Alien Commander:
“Humans! After centuries of observation, we’ve concluded that humor is the highest form of intelligence. Judging by your endless reposts on r/Jokes… your species has failed. Total eradication begins unless you deliver one original joke we haven’t heard before.”
Human Representative:
“Wait! Uh… why did the chicken cross the road?”
Alien Commander:
“Repost. Featured on r/Jokes for three straight years.”
Human Representative:
“Okay! Okay! A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm. He says, I’ll take one beer… and one for the road.”
Alien Commander:
“More obscure, but already posted 9 years ago. Disintegration sequence in 10… 9…”
Humans panic. People everywhere shout jokes. All recycled.
Suddenly, with one second left on the countdown, one nervous Redditor steps forward and scream he has an original one.
Random User:
“What did one repost say to the other repost?”
Alien Scanner:
“No matches found. Unique content detected.”
Random User:
“First time?”
The aliens freeze. They glance at each other.
Alien Commander:
“…It’s… original. Very mildly funny, but original. We will honor our—”
A lone Reddit mod interrupts out of nowhere.
Mod:
“Hold on. Rule 7 violation. Karma farming. Removed.”
https://redd.it/1lndcq3
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My friends said that I couldn't do poetry because of my dyslexia.
But I've already made a vase, a bowl and a mug, so I sure showed them.
https://redd.it/1ln7lwe
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i got arrested today for walking out of a museum with a painting
i was so confused because earlier i asked security if i could take a picture and he said yes
https://redd.it/1ln1imp
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What do you call a blowup doll with white eyes?
Full
https://redd.it/1lmrn1i
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A man foolishly asked his wife why she kept staring out of the window.
Taking a very deep breath she replied, "I'm really fed up with the state of Mrs Brown's blinds. Mrs Perkins' aren't much better. And that Mrs Lewis - scruffy cow. Look at them - filthy. They're just not house proud like me. Dirty blinds are such an eyesore. If you were a real man you'd go over and get them to do something about it. In fact, you must - I won't stand for it any longer."
"I'll tell you what," her husband said as he peered through the window beside her, "I'll see what I can do."
The following morning, she approached him, beaming.
"I can't believe it. The blinds. They're all immaculate. What did you say to those women?"
"Nothing," he told her, "I just cleaned the window."
https://redd.it/1lmmlkk
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Today (27 June) was the birthday of Helen Keller, and is celebrated annually as Helen Keller Day.
I just wanted to make sure you all knew - I haven't seen or heard much about it.
https://redd.it/1lm5z4r
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My wife gave me a handjob the other day using vaseline
I came three times trying to wash that shit off
https://redd.it/1lm6c4u
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A Russian walks into a bar and orders 3 double vodkas
The bartender asks, "What's wrong?"
"My son started wearing an **I Stand With Putin** t-shirt. Since then, he's been beaten, spat at, and had bottles thrown at him several times."
The bartender says, "That's too bad."
"Yeah, I’m afraid to think what will happen to him if he leaves the house with that on."
https://redd.it/1llwfye
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I pulled down my pants and said, "Here, here it is."
*My interviewer looked horrified and said, "I meant your weakest point… metaphorically."*
https://redd.it/1lloaro
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Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back
I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
https://redd.it/1llfgqf
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Have you noticed how many people have rock lamps their homes these days?
Must be all the lava lamps from the 70s that have finally cooled down...
https://redd.it/1llac3x
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There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts” or with “Balls”.
Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
**GUTS** - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”
**BALLS** - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the “Balls” to say: "You're next, Chubby."
Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.
https://redd.it/1ll09uz
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The other day this guy cut me off in traffic.
As he passed he flipped me the bird, and yelled out the window.
"I fucked your mom last night."
.
.
.
My dad can be a real asshole sometimes.
https://redd.it/1lnwu55
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Canadians in Australia
A couple of gals from Canada decide to travel to Australia over the winter to get a break from 40 below, ice and snow.
They're sitting at a club in Perth, enjoying the sunshine and sipping on a cold drink.
Two of the local lads see them and one says "Hey, why don't you ask the ladies over to join us?"
Sure thing. He walks over and says "G'day, ladies, haven't seen you around here before, where are you from?"
One of the women looks up with a big smile and proudly says "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan!"
He looks at them, blinks a couple of times and walks away.
He goes back to his buddy who says "Are the ladies coming over, or should we join them over there?"
His friend replies "They don't speak English."
https://redd.it/1lnmpm8
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A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday. “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his back pocket, the officer pulled out his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this fucking badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish… on ANY land! No questions asked or answers given! Do I make myself clear? Do you understand?”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull! With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer and it seemed likely that he’d get gored before reaching safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
So, I threw down my tools, ran to the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs.
“Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!!”
Edit: typos
https://redd.it/1lngcp8
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My dad always said
My dad always said, "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes."
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
https://redd.it/1ln4lsi
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Whats the difference between God and a surgeon?
God doesn't think he's a surgeon
https://redd.it/1lmv7zd
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Dad's comeback!
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he’s 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting nearby.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors—green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. Every time the teen looked over, he’d catch my dad still staring.
Eventually, the teenager had enough and sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food to avoid choking on his comeback. I knew he’d have a good one, and, of course, in classic fashion, he didn’t even blink when he replied:
“Got drunk once and had a wild night with a parrot. Just wondering if you were my son.”
https://redd.it/1lmuwwx
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A Texan farmer went on a vacation to Australia!
A Texas farmer went on vacation to Australia. He met up with an Australian farmer who prouldly showed off his wheat field.
"That's nothing" said the Texan. "Back home, we have wheat fields that are twice as large as this."
Next the Australian pointed out his cattle.
"They're nothing," said the Texan. "Back home, we have longhorns that are twice as big as your cows."
Just then, half a dozen kangaroos bounded across the road.
"What are those?" asked the Texan.
The Australian replied, "Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?"
https://redd.it/1lmodfd
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I am dating a teacher of English who keeps correcting me during sex
She particularly dislikes my improper use of the colon.
https://redd.it/1lmezhv
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Lorde is marketing her new album by showing off her vulva.
I won't lie: It's a pretty cunning stunt.
https://redd.it/1lm8nds
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So a gorilla walks into a bar ...
He sits down and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a pint, and says, "That'll be $10." The gorilla pays, and starts drinking. The bartender says, "You know, we don't get many gorillas in here." Gorilla says, "Well at these prices, I can see why not!"
https://redd.it/1llw40m
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A Duck walks into a pub..
He hops on to the bar stool and says to the bartender
“Pint please mate!”
The barman looks at him in utter shock.
“But you’re a duck how are you tal..”
The duck stops him.
“Yeah yeah i get it all the time mate. im a bricklayer and theres a new housing estate being built not to far away from here and to be honest I’ve had a hard day id just like a couple of pints in peace please.”
Barman pours his pint and doesn’t ask anything more.
The duck comes in every night after work for his two pints and then goes home.
On the Saturday a Ringmaster of a circus comes into the pub and asks the barman if he can hang his posters in his window to advertise his show.
The barman see’s an opportunity and explains to the ringmaster he has the perfect act for him. A talking Duck!!
The ringmaster couldn’t pass up an opportunity like this he’d makes thousands.
The barman asks to share the money he would make for getting the ringmaster his star attraction. The ringmaster agrees and they shake on it.
The following Monday the duck comes back in after his shift at work.
“Ive got a right job for you.” he says.
“Oh yeah whats that then?” Asks the duck
“A circus!” The barman replies excitedly
The duck looks at the barman in confusion and asks.
“A circus with clowns?”
“Yeah” says the barman
“With the big tent?”
“Yeah” says the barman.
“move from town to town?
With preforming animals?”
“Yeah yeah exactly!” Says the barman
The duck looks up at him and says
“What the fuck do they want a bricklayer for?!”
https://redd.it/1llr8xe
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I dropped a couple shirts off at my local laundromat, the clerk said "come again!"
I said "no, this time it's toothpaste."
https://redd.it/1lllm0i
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A woman dies just after finding out her husband was having an affair
When she makes it to heaven, the angel at the gate asked her if she can spell "Love" before letting her in. And she does so. Eventually she earns her wings and becomes an angel at the gates too. And asks people the same question before letting them in. But then one day her ex-husband shows up at the gate, and he recognizes her. And she asks him one thing. Can he spell "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"?
https://redd.it/1lleaku
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Why is it taking so long to analyze the Black Box data from the Air India crash?
Because even in India, tech support puts investigators on hold.
https://redd.it/1ll2mdk
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The military is cutting staff because Why Not. They decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.
All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.
First up was the Army general. He chose to measure between the tips of his middle fingers with his arms spread wide.
Second was the Air Force, who chose the top of his head to the soles of his feet.
Then came the Marine General.
"I want you to measure from the tip of my dick to my balls."
The men running the measuring laughed and then asked him, where he seriously wanted to measure.
"I am being serious. Now start measuring."
The men tried to dissuade him but he was adamant. Finally, resigned, one of the men takes the measuring tape and goes to take the measurement. When the general removed his pants the man jumped up in shock.
"Sir! Where are your balls?!?"
"IN VIETNAM!"
https://redd.it/1lkzfsf
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