1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
I got a call at work from the hospital reporting my wife was critical.
I told them, " Yeah, you get used to that."
https://redd.it/1o7j2sd
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Did you know Slash is in AC/DC?
He's the one in the middle.
https://redd.it/1o7h5om
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"I'm naming my child Abcdefghijkmnopqrstuvwxyz"
"How do you pronounce that?"
"Noelle."
https://redd.it/1o7bs3a
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Settling this once and for all. The "G" in GIF is pronounced...
... like the "G" in "gorgeous"
https://redd.it/1o70wzb
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I told my boss I needed a raise because three companies were after me
He asked which companies. I said, Gas, electric, and water.
He didn’t laugh.
I didn’t get the raise.
But the next day, he came in with a huge grin and said, I told my wife that joke. She said you deserve a raise for creativity.
Still waiting for both.
https://redd.it/1o6spfj
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On a windy day this guy sees an elderly rabbi get his hat blown off, so the guy runs after the hat and manages to grab it.
The rabbi is very grateful. He hands the guy a $20 bill and says "God bless you, young man!"
The guy figures this is his lucky day, so he goes to the racetrack. He sees that one of the horses in the first race is named "Top Hat," and thinks to himself "This must be a sign! The rabbi gave me a blessing!" So he bets the $20 on Top Hat, and the horse wins the race! The guy is now up $100.
In the next race there's a long shot named Stetsen, so he puts the whole $100 on Stetson. Stetson wins! The guy is now up $1500.
Now he's really sure of himself, and on the next race he bets all his winnings on a horse named Chateau, at 100-1 odds. But to his shock, the horse comes in dead last.
Dejected, he goes home and tells his wife what happened.
"You idiot!" says his wife. "*Chateau* is a house, *chapeau* is a hat! We could have been rich! Anyway, which horse won?"
And the guy says, "I dunno... some Japanese horse named 'Yarmulke.'"
https://redd.it/1o6pc7o
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My wife is pissed at me because I never buy her flowers.
I didn't even know she sold flowers.
https://redd.it/1o6f9mw
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My spouse called me from the store cussing and swearing about the cashier this and the cashier that.
I finally asked: "are you in the self-checkout"???
https://redd.it/1o600py
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A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?"
The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
https://redd.it/1o5tfae
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A sheriff comes upon two cars alongside a remote country road. The first is wrecked and badly damaged, the second one is not and there is a man placing a shovel in the trunk.
The sheriff says, “what happened here?”
The man says, “well, I came across this bad wreck, found a few dead redditors, and buried them.”
Sheriff, “and you’re certain they are dead?”
Man, “well, they claimed they weren’t but you know how those redditor’s lie.”
https://redd.it/1o5r6ks
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What does Desdemona call her husband in the French translation of Othello?
Amour.
https://redd.it/1o54dp0
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A group of crows is called A Murder of crows. What do you call two crows?
Attempted murder!
https://redd.it/1o55cv9
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During a communist party meeting, Stalin is giving a speech.
Suddenly somebody in the hall sneezes loudly. Everyone gasps in terror.
Stalin looks sternly at the audience, and says, "Who sneezed?".
Nobody confesses, so Stalin claps his hands. A platoon of NKVD troops with automatic weapons barges in, drags the front row out in the hallway and shoots them.
"I will ask again - who sneezed?" Nobody confesses, so the process is repeated with the second row.
After the third row has been dragged out and shot without anyone confessing, an old man in the rear, a devout Communist, decides to sacrifice himself for the younger comrades, stands up and bravely proclaims: "I sneezed, Comrade Stalin!".
Stalin looks at him sternly for a moment. "Bless you, comrade!". And he continues with the speech.
https://redd.it/1o53nrw
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A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.
As the bartender serves him, he looks at the horse and says "hey, why the long face, pal? Are you depressed?"
The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" - and promptly disappears.
See, this is a joke about Rene Descartes' famous statement, "I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned this at the start of the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.
https://redd.it/1o4w50h
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Teen with long hair asks his dad to borrow the car
Dad says, “Only if you get a haircut.”
The teen argues, “But Dad, Jesus had long hair!”
Dad smiles, “Yep… and Jesus walked everywhere he went.”
https://redd.it/1o4doqo
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Five years after his wife passed away, 70-year-old Edgar married 28-year-old Jessica.
On their wedding night, as expected, they decided to consummate their marriage.
Knowing that it might be an emotional time for him, she performed a slow striptease and then began undressing him tenderly.
As they were about to climb into bed, she looked up and saw tears streaming down his face. Jessica wiped them away and gave him a kiss.
"You must be thinking about your lovely Ruth and your wedding night with her, many years ago," she said quietly.
"Yes," Edgar replied. "But it's not that."
So she said, "Well, then you must be thinking about your last moments together and how much you miss her."
"Of course," Edgar admitted. "But it's not that, either."
Jessica thought for a moment and said, "Then what's wrong, my love?"
Edgar wiped another tear away and moaned, "You're standing on my balls!"
https://redd.it/1o7lvu5
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I should break up with my boyfriend because of his small penis.
I just don't think I have it in me.
https://redd.it/1o7bgre
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A man is telling the bartender about his nightmares and difficulty sleeping as he sips his beer. Another patron arrives and sits a few stools away, listening to the other guy talking about recurring nightmares from his childhood – monsters under his bed that keep him anxious, worried, and awake all
The second patron is a psychiatrist and feeling compelled to assist, offers the man with nightmares a session at a discount and gives him his card. The psychiatrist finishes his drink and leaves the bar.
A few weeks later the psychiatrist stops by the same bar and sees the same man, now much happier and laughing with the bartender as he sips his beer. The psychiatrist greets both then says to the other patron, “wow, you’ve had a nice turn-around. You never came to my office so how did you get over your nightmares about the monsters under your bed?”
Man, “oh, yeah, the bartender helped me.”
Psychiatrist, “interesting, I did not know he was trained as I am. How could he possibly help you in so short a time?”
Man, “it was easy, he told me to saw the legs off my bed.”
https://redd.it/1o6mo72
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My girlfriend asked me if I was seeing someone else...
Honestly, she's starting to sound like my wife.
https://redd.it/1o6unm3
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A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man around
A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man around,that they offered a standing €1,000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the barman paid the €1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS"
https://redd.it/1o6proi
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One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spots an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolls to a stop at the curb, a figure leaps into the cab and slams the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulls away, he is startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman
"Where to?" he stammers.
"Union Station," says the woman.
"You got it," he says, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman catches him staring at her and asks, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well, lady, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you're gonna pay your fare."
The woman spreads her legs, puts her feet up on the front seat, smiles at the driver and says, "Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asks, "Uh, got anything smaller?"
https://redd.it/1o6gfww
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After 6 years of dating, my buddy’s girlfriend proposed to him this week.
She proposed they see other people.
https://redd.it/1o62zxu
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At a Job interview, the candidate is asked to explain a 4 year gap on his resume
“Oh, that’s when I went to Yale!” The candidate explains
The interviewer exclaims “wow, that’s really impressive, you are hired!”
“Oh thank you!” The candidate replies, “I really need this yob!”
https://redd.it/1o5o9g1
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Me and my all male buddies just formed a band that only plays hits from female singers.
We're called "Thats What She Said."
https://redd.it/1o5rlfc
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A man in California bumped into and recognized God at the beach. God says, "promise never to tell anyone I was here and I'll grant you one miracle."
Man says, "I want gasoline under $3.00 per gallon."
God, "that's beyond me, do you have a different request?"
Man, " I want women to find me irresistible."
God, "is $3.00 with a loyalty card or branded credit card okay?"
https://redd.it/1o5ku3z
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Dolly Parton vs The Queen
So Dolly Parton dies, and due to some strange relativistic effect of her faster-than-light trip to heaven, finds herself arriving at the Pearly Gates at exactly the same time as Queen Elizabeth II.
St. Peter greets them both with enthusiasm, and goes on and on about the honor of receiving two such great people simultaneously, “…which makes what I have to tell you very difficult and…awkward.”
“What’s the matter?” asks Dolly. “Yes, please speak plainly, St. Peter.” insists the Queen. “As the head of The Church of England, I believe I’ve earned the right to demand that you come to the point.”
“Well.” continues St. Peter, “ I’m afraid Heaven is very full at the moment, and can only accept one of you.
“Oh dear!” exclaims Dolly.
“How shall we settle this matter?” asks the Queen, demonstrating her trademark pragmatism.
St. Peter explains quickly so as to expedite the process for his two impatient clients: “Each of you must present your most treasured asset. Whoever’s is of the greatest value will be granted entry into Heaven. Dolly, we’ll start with you.”
Without hesitation, Dolly unzips her top. St. Peter watches in awe as her two perfect breasts tumble forth and land with a “thump-thump” sound on the marble table that stands before him. “Oh my, those are very lovely indeed! Well Your Majesty, I’m afraid it’s going to be difficult to follow that, but please proceed.”
Seemingly undiscouraged, the Queen thinks for a moment, open her handbag, reaches in, pulls out an old douchebag. Peter, stunned, praises the monarch, saying, “Congratulations Your Majesty! Well played! You have earned the last spot in Heaven!”
Dolly Parton is both angry and confused. “Wait a second, Peter! I show you these two, big, beautiful breasts, and she ain’t got nothin’ but a used feminine hygiene product. What gives?”
St. Peter chuckles at Dolly’s naivety and answers, “Don’t you know the rules? A Royal Flush beats a pair!”
https://redd.it/1o57b4n
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Stalin watches a movie....
Stalin once watched a comedy film with his aides and advisers.
Although he laughed very much during the film, he frowned when it ended and said,
"The movie was very good, but the comedian's mustache is too similar to my own.
I want the KGB to arrest and shoot the scoundrel first thing next morning!"
Amidst the rather heavy silence that followed, Molotov asked timidly,
"Comrade Stalin, surely it would be better to just have him shave his mustache?"
Stalin chuckled and said, "Good idea, Molotov! Make sure to have the KGB shave his mustache before they shoot him."
https://redd.it/1o5823h
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The Genie
A manager, an engineer, and a programmer are walking to lunch when they find an old brass lamp. They rub it, and—*poof!*—out pops a genie.
The genie says, “I’ll grant each of you one wish.”
The engineer says, “I want to be on a tropical island, sipping cocktails and relaxing.” *Poof!* He’s gone.
The programmer says, “I want to be in the Swiss Alps, skiing and drinking hot chocolate.” *Poof!* She’s gone.
The manager looks around and says, “I want them both back after lunch.”
https://redd.it/1o4mysb
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My wife asked me to put up some shelves in bedroom…
I didn’t know the first thing about putting up some shelves so I thought I’d do some research first, so naturally I went to our local library and asked the librarian:
“Have you got any books on shelves?
https://redd.it/1o4pbji
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A middle-age man is with his personal trainer in the gym when a drop-dead gorgeous woman enters.
The client notices her immediately and looks to his trainer and asks, “which machine should I use to impress her?”
The trainer looks at the woman, then at the client, at the woman again, then takes a longer look at the client and responds, “ATM.”
https://redd.it/1o49840
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