1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Took my blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
I took my blonde girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward, I asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight pants and all the big hard muscles. But I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for over 25 cents."
The guy asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flip a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like hello? It's only 25 cents!"
https://redd.it/1oqr8tw
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A man and his wife die and meet St Peter at the pearly gates
"Please could we get married again in heaven?"
"I don't know about that, let me have a think" says St Peter
A day goes by, and Peter agrees. He says, "I won't be long, let me just go and find a priest and let him know about what you want."
A month and a half go by, before Peter arrives back at the pearly gates. The couple say "well actually Peter, because you've took so long, we have thought to ask you, if we don't want to stay married forever or if it doesn't go well, will we be able to get a divorce too?"
"Are you being serious? It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?!"
https://redd.it/1oql1es
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The Skinny Lumberjack
A very thin fellow wandered into a lumberjacking outfit’s personnel office and announced that he was looking for a job. The hiring manager looked the guy over and said, “You don’t look like you can even hold an axe, much less swing one.” The skinny fellow said, ”I may not look like much, but I can cut down trees like nobody you’ve ever seen before.” The manager pointed out 5 large trees and told the man to cut them down and to come see him when he was done. Handing the man an axe, he walked back into the office figuring that was the last he’d see of him. 20 minutes later, the thin fellow was back. “All done,” he said. The manager said, “You mean to tell me you cut down those 5 huge trees in 20 minutes?!? Where’d you learn to lumberjack like that?!” The man replied, “The Sahara Forest.” Manager said, “You mean the Sahara Desert?” The skinny guy said, “Oh, is that what they’re calling it now?”
https://redd.it/1oppj6q
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Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs visit the Vatican for a blessing.
The Pope greets them kindly, but Grumpy raises his hand and asks,
“Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?”
The Pope smiles. “No, my son, I don’t think so.”
Grumpy turns to the others and whispers, “See, Dopey, I told you you were dating a penguin.”
https://redd.it/1opxkp4
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A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs"
That's like humans having a city called "LiverPool".
https://redd.it/1opsgb3
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What's the difference between a manly lesbian and a really short guy who works in the meat department?
One is pretty butch, but the other is a little butcher!
https://redd.it/1opkwi1
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The wife is calling her husband at work.
He picks up the phone, and says: “Sorry, honey, but I really don’t have the time to talk right now.”
She: “It’s not going to take long. I have two news for you. The bad, and the good one.”
He: “Just give me the good one for now.”
She: “The airbags on your car that I borrowed this morning work just fine.”
https://redd.it/1opa9as
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We were desperate to fix our son's failing math grade.
My wife and I were at our wits' end with our son's failing math grades. We tried everything: talks, meetings with his public school teacher, rewards—nothing worked.
As a final Hail Mary, we enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
The change was instant. He came home focused, did his homework without a word, and actually took an interest in his studies. When his first report card arrived, we stared in shock at the "A+" in Math.
"Son, this is amazing!" I said. "What changed? Was it the nuns? The structure?"
He shook his head. "On the first day of math class, I saw a guy hanging from a giant plus sign, and I knew they weren't messing around."
https://redd.it/1oovogy
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A couple, both 78, went to see a therapist.
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “We’d like you to watch us… you know…make love... and tell us if we’re doing it right.”
The doctor was puzzled but agreed. When they finished, he said, “Everything looks perfectly fine,” and charged them $50.
This went on for several weeks — they’d book an appointment, do their thing, pay the doctor, and leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, “Exactly what are you two trying to find out?”
The man replied, “Oh, we’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married, and we can’t go to her house. I’m married, and we can’t go to mine. The Holiday Inn costs $90, the Hilton is $108… but here it’s only $50 — and I get $43 back from Medicare!”
https://redd.it/1oowiw6
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Cheney, about Mamdani:
A Muslim mayor of NYC? Over my dead body!
https://redd.it/1oor62a
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Cop understood the assignment.
I got pulled over for speeding today. Before the officer could even say a word, I pleaded, "Please, let me explain. The woman in the back seat is my mother-in-law. She's been living with us for the past three months, and today she finally decided to return to her own house. I need to get her there before she changes her mind. That's why I was speeding."
The cop looked at me, then at the back seat, and nodded.
"Sir," he said, "get back in your car. I'm going to give you a full police escort. We are not taking any chances today."
https://redd.it/1onz0t3
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The woman I'm sleeping with keeps telling me I don't need to be intimidated by the size of her ex's dick
But even still, I'd feel a lot more comfortable if she didn't keep it in a jar on the nightstand.
https://redd.it/1oo8yse
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I once dated a girl who was actually a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
https://redd.it/1onj6xt
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A boy found a magic lamp one day and out came a genie who exclaimed "I shall grant a single wish that you desire!"
The boy himself was very greedy in life and felt insulted that he was allowed only one wish. "That's it?" He retorted, "All the stories I've heard about you guys usually involve three or more wishes!"
"Well, unfortunate for you, I'm not like most genies and my limit is at one wish per person," the genie responded.
"Oh yeah, well I'm not buying that!" The boy said with a mischievous grin. "I wish that you could give me another wish!"
The genie pondered for a moment, playing with his mustache, before responding, "You know what? That I can do." Then, he suddenly went away in a puff of purple smoke.
The boy waited for hours, but the genie had yet to show up again. Hours turned into days, days turned to months, and months turned to years. The boy, now a man, reviled the genie for going back on his word and tricking him into thinking that his wish could be fulfilled. He became cynical in life, alienating friends and family and even jobs over his attitude. He soon turned to a life of crime that involved theft, assault, and even murder. He was eventually arrested and was sentenced to death row.
Ever the cynic, he cursed those that had wronged him and life in general. A few days before his sentence was to be carried out, a man with a familiar looking mustache in a suit walked into his jail cell with a clipboard.
"You're the genie from my childhood!"
"You have a good memory, I see," the genie said calmly.
"You just left me without giving me my wish, you bastard!" The man seethed at the genie.
"That's not true, you wished for another wish and here I am to grant it for you. We never agreed on the time or place."
The man threw up his hands in frustration. "Fine, then get me the hell out of here!"
"I'm afraid I cannot," the genie explained. "As I said, we never agreed on the details of the second wish and my powers are limited in even granting a second wish at that. Unfortunately, your options are limited."
"Then...what can I wish for?"
The genie raised his clipboard and hovered a pencil above, "What do wish to eat for your last meal, chicken or fish?"
https://redd.it/1onsx13
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Satan arrived to welcome a new damned soul to hell. "Congratulations!" he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!"
"Well," the man replied, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."
https://redd.it/1onkrnn
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A young reporter went to a retirement home
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just shit my pants"
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
https://redd.it/1oqjmb7
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My wife walks out of the shower, winks at me and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."
https://redd.it/1oqejjz
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A woman spends the day with her lover while her husband is at work
Her husband arrives home unexpectedly, and the woman shoves her lover into the closet. She doesn't know that her 9-year-old son is already hiding in there.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
"Yes, it is," the man replies.
"I have a baseball."
"That's good."
"Do you want to buy it?"
"No, thanks."
"My dad's outside."
"Okay. How much does it cost?"
"$1000."
"Fine, here you go, and keep quiet."
A few days later the father says to the boy:
"Bring the baseball. Let's go outside and play a little."
"I can't. I sold it." the boy replies.
"Sold it, for how much?" his father asks
"For $1000."
"That's terrible! That's a lot more than they actually cost. I'll take you to church to confess." the father says. They go to church, and the father puts the boy in the confessional and closes the door.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
To which the priest replies, "Don't start this shit again."
https://redd.it/1oq7q8l
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Nowadays pennies taste horrible. Back in the day they used to taste almost like toothpaste to me...
I guess it's because they aren't being minted anymore.
https://redd.it/1opuadg
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Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my life
…like my name, address, and telephone number
https://redd.it/1opk6fk
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An alcoholic read an article on the dangers of drinking alcohol and decided it was finally time to quit...
...reading for good.
https://redd.it/1op8ev9
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A guy's wife comes into the room and says to her husband, "What the hell are you doing? I thought you were going to fix the sink!"
The husband says, "I am. I'm watching this video to learn how to do it."
The wife says, "Well, when does he get to that part?"
And the guy says, "Probably when he finishes banging this broad."
https://redd.it/1opce8s
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Sue went to the cemetery every day to water the flowers on the grave of her late husband, Bob.
When she was finished, she always walked backwards as she left the grave.
One day, her friend Tammy asked, “Sue, why on earth do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?”
Sue smiled and said, “When Bob was alive, he used to tell me, ‘You’ve got such a great ass, it could bring a dead man back to life!’… Well, I’m not taking any chances!”
https://redd.it/1op2dfr
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The Riverside High
By the river, next to the farm, a cow sits smoking weed. A beaver swims up to it, steps onto the bank, and asks,
‘Hey, cow, what are you doing?’
‘I’m smoking weed, and it’s amazing.’
‘Give me some; I’ve never smoked before…’
The beaver inhaled the smoke and immediately exhaled it. The cow replies,
‘Dude, not like that! Look: you’re inhaling the smoke and holding it in your lungs for a long time. Besides, swim downstream for a bit, come back here, and then exhale. And I’m telling you, it’s going to be awesome.’
They did as planned. The beaver inhaled, swam underwater to the other side of the river, and after a few moments, felt happy. He came ashore, flopped down on the grass, and chilled. A hippo approached him and asked,
‘Hey, beaver, what are you doing?’
‘Ah, see, hippo, I’m super high…’
‘Give me some stuff; I want some too.’
‘Swim across to the other side to the cow—she will share with you.’
The hippo swam upstream, came ashore, and the cow popped her eyes open and screamed:
‘Beaver, for fuck’s sake, LET AIR OUT!’
https://redd.it/1oob723
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Strange but true: When you see ducks flying south in a 'V' formation, why is one line always longer than the other?
Answer: >!There are more ducks in that line.!<
https://redd.it/1oocjis
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Teacher and her 3 boy students:
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one week.”
Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 2: “I saw your bra straps.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one month.”
Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…
Teacher: “Why are you leaving?”
Boy 3: “I think my school days are over.”
https://redd.it/1oo3sef
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"Doctor, help me. I'm addicted to buying yachts. Is there something you can give me for it?"
"I can give you an anti-buy-yachtic."
https://redd.it/1oo17ea
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I don't know why everyone thinks of mobsters as bad guys.
When I was a kid, my next door neighbor who was a mobster would pay me $20 to start his car every morning.
https://redd.it/1onvyld
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Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Dallas. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
"Me too." replies Jim, "Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great. No hangover. No bad side effects...Nothing!
Then the phone rings and it's Jim. Jim asks, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
"I feel great." says Bub. "How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great too. I don't even have a hangover. But, there's just one thing...Have you farted yet?"
"No..."
"Well, don't, 'cause I did ... and I'm in Phoenix!"
https://redd.it/1oneesn
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Found out last night that I'm both gay and dyslexic.
I'm still in daniel.
https://redd.it/1one6rp
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