1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
My wife is brilliant. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.
But I have to say, her bird collecting has gone far enough
https://redd.it/1lhqq32
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An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas.
He decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she replied.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she told him.
Somewhat offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," the madam informed him.
"That's more like it!" the man said.
He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead.
"I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam, gesturing to a 70-year-old woman in the corner, "But Ethel here has seniority."
https://redd.it/1lhijdj
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The son of a Texas oilman
falls in love with a high-society girl from Boston, and after a short time, proposes marriage. As the oilman meets the girl's mother for the first time, it's obvious she's unimpressed. As she brags about her ancestry, she says, "My father was a United States Senator, and my mother can trace her ancestry back to the Mayflower"! He responds by saying, "Well, shit, ma'am, my mother was a hooker out of Abilene, and I never knew my dad, but I was told he was a roughneck outin' the fields"! At this, the mother stiffens her spine, haughtily looks down her nose, and icily replies, "WELL! IN Boston, we believe BREEDING IS EVERYTHING"! He just chuckles and says, "Well now, in Texas, we believe breeding is FUN...but there are other things"!
https://redd.it/1lh9u31
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Twin girls were married to twin boys...
One night, after sex one of the girls says to her husband "I have something to confess... We were feeling adventurous, and we switched... I'm not Ava, I'm Anna..."
The guy becomes obviously saddened, and Anna asks, "Why is this bothering you so much"?
The guy replies "Because we switched, too".
https://redd.it/1lh5um0
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When I woke up this morning, my wife was cooking breakfast in nothing but a T-shirt...
When she saw me, she said she needed me to have sex with her right now.
I was surprised but happy to oblige.
After I asked what that was all about.
She said, "the timer broke and there was a minute left on the eggs."
https://redd.it/1lh0er5
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It finally happened! The flight attendant asked "is there a doctor on this flight?"
I leapt up and said yes!
Did a tracheotomy at 30,000ft with a razor blade and ballpoint pen.
He didn't make it, but the thrill was undeniable.
Thinking of going to doctor school now.
https://redd.it/1lgppka
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3 men with different addictions died on the same day.
In heaven, Saint Peter asked what each person's vice was. Joe said "My vice was eating everything I saw!" The saint said: "You will spend 1000 years trapped in a room in front of your addiction, having access to all kinds of food." Dan said "I was addicted to gambling!" Saint Peter replied: "He will spend 1000 years trapped inside a casino!" Then Michael said "I died after 40 years of smoking" and the saint said "You will be trapped for 1000 years in a room full of cigarettes!".
1000 years later, Peter opened each of their rooms. He found Joe obese and unable to move and said "he'll be here for another 1000 years!" He arrived at Dan's room, and found him broke, red-eyed and frustrated after destroying all the slot machines. Peter said "1000 more years!" Then he went to Michael's room and, oddly enough, all the cigarettes were intact and he was peaceful and quiet. Peter asked, "How did you manage to stay without smoking for so long?" and he said "It's just that you didn't give me any lighter!"
https://redd.it/1lgisz5
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A young woman wearing a sleeveless dress walks into a pub.
She walks upto to a bunch of men sitting at the table and raises her arm revealing a hairy armpit and pointing at the men says,"Which one of you is going to buy this woman a drink?"
The men start ignoring her and go about their business. But then an old drunk man at the end of the table shouts," Get this beautiful ballerina a drink!"
The bartender gives her a drink, which after finishing she again repeats the action.
"Who will buy me a drink?", all the while revealing the same hairy armpit.
The old man yet again slaps his money on the bar and says,"Get this ballerina another drink!"
This time before giving her the drink the bartender walks upto the man and asks," Sorry sir, I know it's none of my business but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The old man replies," Why! Oh surely anybody who can raise their leg up so high must be a ballerina!"
https://redd.it/1lg5bfi
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What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A drunk will blow through a stop sign at 80 MPH. A stoner will wait for it to turn green!
https://redd.it/1lg3al5
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I started dating this beautiful comedian. She made me laugh so much.
Even when I went down on her, she tasted funny.
https://redd.it/1lfzglt
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Three men die and appear at the Pearly Gates
St. Peter says that before they can enter, they must describe the circumstances of their death.
The first man says, I'm not proud of this but I was an insanely jealous man. I was convinced that my wife was cheating on me. This morning after I left our apartment I didn't get on the bus as usual. Instead, I sneaked back up to the fourteenth floor, determined to catch my wife with her lover. I burst into the apartment shouting, "Where is he?" I searched every inch of the apartment and found no one. Finally I went out on the balcony to get some air when I noticed a man running out of our building, straightening his tie. In my jealous rage I thought this must be her lover who managed to slip past me while I was searching the apartment. Not wanting to let him get away, I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the refrigerator, dragged it to the balcony, and threw it over. Well, the exertion and rage caused a heart attack and I died right there.
St. Peter says, "That was quite a story, what about you?" The second man said, It's the damnedest thing, I was late for my bus this morning. As I was running out of my building, straightening my tie, suddenly a refrigerator falls on my head.
St. Peter turns to the third man and asks the same question. The third man says, picture this, I'm minding my own business, sitting naked inside a refrigerator...
https://redd.it/1lfr6a8
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Three men die and are standing before the gates of heaven
The angel at the gates tells them that none of them were bad people, but not virtuous either. Therefor, all he could offer them was reincarnation. But they could not reincarnate as people. The angel points to a nearby cliff and tells them they can just run off the cliff and say the name of what they want to be reincarnated as.
One of the three says "I know exactly what I want to be!" and runs off the cliff yelling "Gorilla!". And he becomes a newborn gorilla.
The next guy runs off the cliff and yells "Eagle!", and becomes a newborn eagle hatching from an egg.
The last guy thinks real hard about what he wants to be, and then takes off running. And just as he runs to the end of the cliff, he accidentally trips and says "Crap!".
https://redd.it/1lfk6bv
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I'm fine!
*I'm Fine*
A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident.
In court, the trucking company's fancy, hot-shot lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde replied, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the—"
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor, and I was driving down the road when—"
The lawyer interrupted again. "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman he was fine. Now, several weeks later, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he's a fraud. Please instruct him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s response.
"I’d like to hear what he has to say about his cow, Bessie," the Judge said.
Clyde thanked the Judge and continued:
"Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie—my favorite cow—into the trailer and was driving her down the highway, when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran a stop sign and smacked my John Deere tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch, and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt real bad and didn’t want to move.
"But I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her sounds.
"Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman arrived on the scene. He heard Bessie moaning and went over to check on her. After taking one look at her condition, he pulled out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then he walked across the road, gun still in hand, looked down at me, and said: 'How are you feeling?'
"Now tell me, Your Honor... if you were lying in a ditch, in pain and full of grief from losing your favorite cow, having just watched a policeman shoot her for moaning - what would you say?" 😂
https://redd.it/1lfc8es
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A husband and wife were married for 25 years.
They were famous for fighting constantly, and generally disliking each other.
On their 26th wedding anniversary the husband had a heart attack and died. A few days later his widowed wife walked into the local newspaper's office and asked to post an obituary.
The Ad editor informed her, "We can do 4 lines with a maximum of 80 words for $100."
"Nah." she said, "That's a a lot of money and he didn't do much. What else you got?"
"OK," said the editor awkwardly, "We can do 3 lines and a maximum of 25 words for $35."
"Nope, still too expensive..." she grimaced, "What else you got?"
Flustered, the editor wanted to get her out the door quickly so he told her, "We have the economy option - 2 lines, 5 words max, $5."
She agreed to that, so he filled out the order and asked, "OK madam, what do you want it to say?"
She thought for a moment, then responded: "Husband dead. Car for sale."
https://redd.it/1leysz0
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I asked my BF if I was the only one he’d ever been with.
He said “Yes, all the others were nines and tens”
https://redd.it/1lekcid
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Little Johnny took a child to the barber shop.
He got his own hair cut, then told the barber, “You cut the kid’s hair—I’m just going to buy some vegetables.”
The barber gave the child a haircut, but Little Johnny never returned.
After a long wait, the barber asked the kid, “Where did your older brother go?”
The child replied, “He wasn’t my older brother.”
Barber: “Then who was he?”
Child: “I don’t know. I was just playing in the street when he came and said,
‘Come, I’ll get you a free haircut.’”
https://redd.it/1lhlrpx
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A man was sitting at the bar looking dejectedly into his bottle of beer.
“You look pretty down,” said the guy on the next stool. “Wanna talk about it?”
“I dunno,” sighed the first man. “It’s just that this time last year I had a fantastic job. I was making big money.”
“So?”
“Well, that was the problem. People started noticing the bills were five millimetres too big!”
https://redd.it/1lhext8
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I have a pet newt. I named him "Tiny".
because he's my newt.
https://redd.it/1lh682y
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Camping with my girlfriend and two of her friends in the desert, I was letting my imagination run wild.
My girlfriend could see the look in my eyes and asked what I was thinking. I said, "I can see us in a Ménage à trois with your friend."
To which ny girlfriend replied, " no, that's a Mirage à trois."
https://redd.it/1lgtpks
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Teacher: “If you have one dollar and you ask your dad for another dollar, how many dollars do you have?”
Billy: One dollar.
Teacher: I'm sorry, Billy, it seems you don't know your math.
Billy: I'm sorry, Miss, it seems you don't know my dad.
https://redd.it/1lgw9ah
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Doctor: Well, it looks like you’re pregnant.
Woman: Oh my God, I’m pregnant?!
Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.
https://redd.it/1lgov38
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A prostitute was working late at night when she spotted a nervous looking man approaching her
He was a young looking man, dressed in business casual attire and shaking a bit. Still, the woman smiled at him. "Hey baby," she said as he approached her, "you look a bit tense. Looking to relax a bit?"
"A-actually yes, I am," he responded. "I have a big meeting tomorrow at my company and I am completely unprepared. What ever you're offering, I'll take. Money is no object."
"Well that sounds good to me!" She took him by the hand, "You got a place for us?"
"Yes, there's a motel not too far from us." He took her to his car and got a room for the two of them. For the next few hours, they had multiple sessions with a short break in between. During these short breaks, he got out a portfolio and whispered to himself, writing down a few things as he worked. The woman found it a bit odd that he was working while with her, but still it was his bill and the longer he went, the more money she would earn.
After what seemed like the tenth session, he decided to call it a night. The woman, secretly glad that it was over as she was about to run out of stamina, got dressed as the man was once again writing down a few things in his portfolio.
"Not that it's any of my business," she said, "but what kind of meeting do you have that's got you so worked up?"
"Well, I can't go into too much detail," the man responded, looking up from his work. "But basically I work for a major latex company. There's still some research and testing to be done but thanks to you, I can tell the board that our new brand of condoms work 7 out 10 times."
https://redd.it/1lggthx
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Six retired Florida gentlemen were playing high stakes poker in a condo clubhouse.
During an especially high-stakes game, a member of the group, Ron, lost $5,000 on a single hand, clutched his chest and dropped dead at the table from a heart attack.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five finished playing the hand standing up. Abraham looked around and asked, "So, who's going to tell his wife?"
They cut the cards, and Saul 'won' the dubious honour of delivering the sad news. They advise him to be discreet, be gentle, not to make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name," he says, "Leave it to me."
Saul went over to the apartment where Ron's wife lived. He knocked on the door, she quickly answered it, and saw him standing outside, looking somewhat nervous.
"What do you want, Saul? Where's my good-for-nothing husband?" she asked.
Saul pauses, thinking of how to tell her what happened.
"Ron just lost $5,000 playing poker," he said, "He's afraid to come home."
"WHAT?!?" She screamed in disbelief, "Tell that son-of-a-bitch to drop dead!"
"Can do!" replied Saul.
https://redd.it/1lg2wz6
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An adulteress stands weeping before a mob as they prepare to stone her to death.
Jesus then stands defiantly in front of the crowd and says “STOP. Let the one amongst you who has no sin cast the first stone.”
The crowd falls still.
Suddenly a rock flies from the back of the crowd, hits the woman on the head and she falls down dead. Jesus turns and yells “God DAMMIT, mom! That’s not funny!”
https://redd.it/1lg4qqm
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What do you call kinky pasta?
Fetishine.
https://redd.it/1lfg4ib
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Why is Mel Brooks making Spaceballs 2 in 2025?
Because there's no way a studio would greenlight Blazing Saddles 2 in 2025.
https://redd.it/1lfnr3y
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Three women convince their goofy husbands to go to clown college for a year.
The men go off, graduate, and return, and now the women are gossiping about it over tea.
The first woman sets her tea down, sighs, and says, "It's horrible. Ever since my husband got back from clown college, he's been pranking me! Look at this!"
She pulls out a small flower and sets it on the table, where it squirts water at her. Scowling, she swats it away.
The second woman goes, "You think *that's* annoying?" She pulls out a little gift bag full of tissue paper, and starts pulling it out, but the tissue just keeps coming and coming.
They both turn to the last woman. One asks, "So, has your husband pranked *you*?"
And the last woman blushes and crosses her legs with a *honk*.
https://redd.it/1lfilzl
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Holmes and Watson decide to go on a camping trip.
They hike for a few hours onto the moors. After finding a nice, secluded spot, they set up their tent, build a fire, and watch the sun set. After dining, their fire had died down, and they decide to turn in for the night.
They are awoken by howl in the middle of the night. The sky is beautiful overhead, black as ink, starry and cloudless. Sherlock asks Watson, "My dear fellow, what do you deduce from the beauty of the sky above us?" Dr. John Watson replies "Astronomically, I deduce that the universe is vast and has millions of stars and galaxies. Meteorologically, I deduce that we will have good weather tomorrow, as the sky is clear."
After a short pause, John (now curious) asks Sherlock "What do you deduce. my friend, from the sky above us?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. I deduce that someone has stolen our tent."
https://redd.it/1lf3gi0
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During the job interview the boss asks the young lady about her office skills. "Do you think you could learn to use my Dictaphone?" he asked.
"Certainly not!" she says.. "I will use my finger like everybody else."
https://redd.it/1lerym1
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A pregnant woman is hit by a car....
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"
The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."
She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?"
"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."
"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"
"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.
"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"
To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
https://redd.it/1lettpq
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