1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A woman goes to the doctor
The doctor asks her what the problem is. She says "I have these weird marks on my inner thighs." She lifts her skirt and spreads her legs, showing two large circles, one on each thigh. "They don't hurt," the woman explains, "but I just wanted to be safe."
The doctor leans in and inspects them. He looks up at the woman and asks "By chance, are you a lesbian?" the woman is shocked. "Why yes I am," she answers, "how could you tell?"
The doctor says "You'll have to tell your girlfriend her earrings aren't real gold."
https://redd.it/1lb3tsa
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The doctor said, sadly, "Your dad is pronounced dead."
I said, "Wow, I've been pronouncing it wrong this whole time."
https://redd.it/1lb3bq1
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A man climbs the mountain seeking wisdom from the Wise Man
He gets to the peak and sees the Wise Man with a long white beard and wearing orange robes, sitting with his legs crossed at the summit. The Wise Man says, "What knowledge do you seek?"
The man asks, "Wise Man, what is the secret to eternal happiness?"
The Wise Man replies, "Never get into arguments with stupid people."
The man gets angry. "Are you kidding me? That can't possibly be the secret."
The Wise Man says, "Yeah, you're probably right."
https://redd.it/1lap9os
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is 'sternum.'"
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To help with my outbursts at home, my anger-management therapist suggested renaming my kids to “Just $1.99” and “Only $2.99”.
I was like, “Hmmm….those prices *are* hard to beat.”
https://redd.it/1ladd07
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What Do You Call a Lesbian With Braces?
A Box Cutter
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A 4th grade teacher asked her class who could use the word “definitely” in a sentence. Little Johnny’s hand shot up, and he said - Miss Jones, do farts have lumps in them?
The teacher said - Johnny, that’s not the question I asked.
Johnny said - I know, but please Miss Jones, do farts have lumps in them?
The teacher says no, farts do not have lumps in them
So Johnny says - Then Miss Jones, I *definitely* shit my pants.
https://redd.it/1la2jdt
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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "Yakuza" mixed up
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
https://redd.it/1l9ymgx
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I needed a drink after having wild sex with a menopausal red head.
It was a dry ginger rail.
https://redd.it/1l9ny3o
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A few summers ago I got a job selling dictionaries door-to-door.
On my first day I knock on the door of a nice house and a few seconds later a guy answers. He points to a little sign next to his door that reads NO SOLICITATION and asks me, “Do you know what this means?”
I say, “Sir, I know just how to help you with that.”
https://redd.it/1l90jne
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A cattle station owner
A cattle Station owner was having a drink at a bar in a pub in the Northern Territory, Australia.
A Yank walked in and started bragging.
"Ah come from Texas," he said, "where everything's big. You call your stations big, it takes a whole week to ride around my spread on a horse!"
"Shit!" Exclaimed the station owner. "I had a horse like that so we shot the lazy bastard."
https://redd.it/1l8rpoo
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An Amputee with no arms or legs was sunbathing on the beach
A woman walking by stops and says "Oh dear you poor man, have you ever been kissed before?" the man confused says "no?" the woman proceeds to give the man a kiss and walks off.
Few minutes later another woman walks by and says "Gosh, have you ever been fucked before?"
The man gets all excited and responds "No I havent!"
The woman replies "Well you will be in five minutes the tide is coming in"
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In a certain town, they held an annual cow milking competition.
It was a practice going on for decades but then this one year they lacked proper organization.
The event starts, the first guy goes in and milks the cow for 30 mins. He comes out tired and happy, with a full gallon of milk.
Then, the second guy has been milking the cow for an hour. He then comes out being out-of-breath, with a full fucking tub of milk and looks really proud.
Now, everyone is waiting for the third guy to come out. Finally, after 3 hours, he shows up with a small bottle of milk, all sweaty, tired, out of breath, and bruised. Everyone is really confused as to what he was doing there for such a long time.
Then, he shouts, "You motherfuckers, you gave me a bull!"
https://redd.it/1l8l30o
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My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills
Those were good years
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The most sensitive part of a man's body when having a wank is....
His ears !!!!
https://redd.it/1l89sok
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A woman goes to buy a parrot and notices the prices are $100, $200, and $15. Curious, she asks why the last one is so cheap.
The shopkeeper replies, "That one used to live in a brothel." Amused, she decides to buy it for $15.
When she brings the parrot home, it immediately says,
"Well, I'll be damned, a new brothel!" The woman can't help but laugh.
Later, when her daughters arrive home, the parrot chirps, "Well, look at that, two new ladies of the night!" The girls burst into laughter too.
But when the dad walks in, the parrot exclaims, "Well, I'll be damned, Pete! Long time no see!"
https://redd.it/1lbdbcx
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A woman at a diet club was lamenting the fact that she had put on weight.
“I made my family’s favourite cake over the weekend,” she told the group, “and they ate half of it at dinner.
The next day, I kept staring at the other half until I finally weakened and cut myself a thin slice. Well, I’m ashamed to say that once I got the taste there was no stopping me. One slice led to another and soon the whole cake was gone. I was totally dismayed by my lack of willpower, and I knew that my husband would be bitterly disappointed in me.”
“What did he say when he found out?” asked the group leader gently.
“Oh, he never found out,” said the woman. “I made another cake and ate half!”
https://redd.it/1lb5tqv
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A guy walks into a bar and freezes when he sees a horse behind the counter
Suddenly the horse actually talks and says "You seem surprised?"
And the guy says "I am. Did the cow sell the place?"
https://redd.it/1laj89k
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Devil: This is the lake of lava you will spend eternity in.
me: Actually, since we are underground, this would be magma.
Devil: you understand this is why you're here?
https://redd.it/1lanphh
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A man entered the confessional and told his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The man said, "Well, we took our clothes off and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped!" The priest said, "Rubbing against each other is like getting into each other. You'll never see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box!"
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked toward the poor box. He paused for a moment, then began to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, ran to him and said, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Yes, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
https://redd.it/1lagads
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A guy starts work at a bakery
He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the supervisor has never seen or tasted, imaginatively designed and with a taste and texture beyond all praise or even description.
It's the same again the next day when the new guy comes in and looks at the rota: "Wow, wholemeal loaf day!". And sure enough, he puts the same verve and expertise into making wholemeal loaves as he did into dinner rolls the day before, and soon they are selling like something for which there ought to be a suitable simile when you're telling a story about a bakery.
On the Wednesday he takes one look at the words "Danish Pastry day" on the rota and immediately bursts into song, turning out tray after tray of beautifully formed and succulent Danish pastries, and on Thursday the excited shriek of "Doughnut day! Yes!!!" heralds an eight-hour shift of doughnuts that God Himself would forgive the sins of a whole world for.
But on Friday:
"I don't understand it," says the disappointed supervisor to the master baker. "It's his cake day and he's made barely any effort at all."
https://redd.it/1l9ydc4
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If a one L “lama” is a Tibetan monk, and a 2 L “lama” is an animal similar to an alpaca, what is a 3 L “lama”?
One hell of a big fire in Boston.
https://redd.it/1la0okb
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Do you ever wonder how much you could’ve accomplished in life if you didn’t overthink everything?
I think about it all the time
https://redd.it/1l9lkzm
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What can you do if your partner always smokes after sex?
For heaven’s sake, slow down and use more lube.
https://redd.it/1l9en15
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A white female rabbit is on her way to New York and sees a brown male rabbit
"Am I hopping in the right direction to New York City?" the white rabbit asks. The brown rabbit replies "it'll cost you."
So the two hop into the bushes, do what rabbits do and after they finish the brown rabbit says "yes keep going the way you are. You should be there within 5 days."
A couple of mornings later the white rabbit spots a grey male rabbit and says "Am I hopping in the right direction to New York City?" The grey rabbit replies "it'll cost you."
So the two hop into the bushes, do what rabbits do and after they are done the grey rabbit says "yes keep going the way you are. You should be there within 2 days."
Two mornings later the white rabbit spots a black male rabbit and says "Am I hopping in the right direction to New York City?" The black rabbit replies "it'll cost you."
So the two hop into the bushes, do what rabbits do and after they are done the black rabbit says "yes just keep going for another 30 minutes and you'll be there."
So the white rabbit, now very pregnant hops into the bushes and stays there until she is ready to give birth. WIthin two weeks the white rabbit gives birth to her baby rabbits. And do you know what color they were?
It'll cost you.
https://redd.it/1l92vmy
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This little boy was at centre of a custody battle. Judge asks, do you want to stay with your Dad? Boy says no he beats me, so judge asks what about your Mom? Boy says, no she beats me too then judge asks who do you want to stay with?
Boy replies 'Indian Football Team, they dont beat anyone'
https://redd.it/1l8p7lk
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After 20 years of marriage, she finally turned on the lights...
A couple had been married for 20 years. Every time they had sex, the husband insisted on turning off the lights.
The wife found it silly, but she respected his wish. However, after two decades, her curiosity got the best of her.
One night, in the middle of a passionate session, she reached over and turned on the bedside lamp.
She looked down—and to her shock—her husband was holding a vibrator.
Furious, she shouted, “You impotent liar! You’ve been deceiving me all these years! You’ve got a lot of explaining to do!”
The husband looked her in the eyes, calm as ever, and said:
“Me?
Explain the vibrator?
You better explain the kids.”
https://redd.it/1l8uw0b
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A man enters a craft chocolates shop and asks if they could make a chocolate model car for him.
- “Sure, no problem.”
- “And can it look like the VW Beetle that my dad had?”
- “Nice idea, no problem at all.”
- “And can you make it so that the chocolate doors open and you can see the interior detailed in chocolate, like with a plastic model car? Same with the bonnet and trunk?”
- “that will require some planning, but I think i can manage.”
- “And i would like the wheels to roll, and if i turn the steering wheel then the wheels should turn as well?”
- “Mmmh that is fiendishly difficult in chocolate, I will need to carefully plan and experiment…”
- “And finally, can you make it so that the chocolate windows can move up and down when you turn the handles?”
- “Man this is insanely difficult. But give me 3 weeks and i’ll try my best.”
Three weeks later the man returns and indeed there is a lovely chocolate VW Beetle model on display. The chocolatier proudly shows it in all its glorious details: interior, wheels, steering wheel, windows, everything works perfect, and after the demo he asks, “shall I put it in a nice gift box?”
- “No need, I will just eat it here.”
https://redd.it/1l8iefb
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Back during the Cold War, Heinrich, who was just drafted into the West German Army, asked his superior Major Schmitt for a three day pass.
The major says, "Are you crazy? You just got here last week and you're wanting a three day pass? Those aren't just given out to anyone. They must be earned!"
So Heinrich left dejected but comes back a day later driving a brand new Soviet tank! Major Schmitt was very impressed, he said, "For that act of bravery you are getting your three day pass. By the way, how did you do this by yourself?"
"Well", said Heinrich, "I jumped into one of our tanks and drove to the East German border. When I got there, I saw an East German soldier sitting alone in this tank. I waved a white flag. He waved a white flag. We met right at the border and I asked him 'Do you want to get a three day pass?'. He said, 'sure' so we swapped tanks!"
https://redd.it/1l8gumy
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A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger woman by his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.'
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’
https://redd.it/1l8297h
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