1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah.
"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, You want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check."
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark."
https://redd.it/1gti8li
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So, Schrödinger walks into a vet with his cat. The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later.
"Sir, we have good news and bad news."
https://redd.it/1gt9qtk
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Your momma is so dumb….
When I asked her to spell “Orange” she asked “Wait the fruit or the colour?”
https://redd.it/1gt467k
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Sex all day
Two Russian construction workers are talking during a break:
- Sasha, living in the US is like living a dream.
- What do you mean by that, Igor?
- In the US, you have sex all day. You wake up and even before the shower you have sex. Then a quick shower and you have sex again. Then breakfast and you have sex a few more times before lunch. Then lunch and sex again. It’s just like that until evening, sex every hour, every day. Sex all the time.
- What the fuck are you talking about, Igor? You’re so full of shit, man. Have you even ever been to the US?
- No, I haven’t. But my sister has and she told me.
https://redd.it/1gt02zi
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Cathy and Anna meet in the coffee shop. Cathy says: "I woke up with a sore throat."
Anna: "Whenever i have a sore throat, i give my husband oral sex and i'm cured straight away."
Cathy: "Really?"
Anna: "Try it and you'll see that i'm right."
The next day they meet again.
Anna: "So, did my advice work?"
Cathy: "It worked, and your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"
https://redd.it/1gsrl4s
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A very frugal couple always used to brag to each other how much money they could save.
One day the husband arrived home from work and said, "Today I saved $1.50. I ran behind the bus rather than riding it."
The wife responded, "IDIOT! Had you run behind a cab, you could have saved $15.00!"
https://redd.it/1gs6xzt
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A wealthy business man's sailboat takes on water and begins to sink near an uncharted Pacific island. He paddles his raft to the island with whatever survival supplies he can muster from the sinking vessel.
About a month in, supplies are running low and he's losing hope of rescue. One day at the beach, while pondering his worsening state, he watches a shapely figure in a wet suit come out of the water and head toward him.
As she approaches, she removes the cap and long red hair cascades down her back. "Wow, you do NOT know how happy I am to see you! I've been out here for weeks, and now you come from the water like some angel here to save me!"
"It seems you've been roughing it for a while now. Fancy a cigar?" She unzips the top of the wet suit, exposes some cleavage, and pulls out a cigar, a cutter, and a match.
"That's fantastic! Thanks!" He cuts the tip, lights it, and inhales deeply. "That really hits the spot."
She watches him for a moment, unzips down to her navel, pulls out a flask and asks, "How about a drink? I have a fine Scotch, if you'd like."
He takes the flask, opens the top, inhales for several seconds, then takes a long pull. "Seriously, you are a godsend. Never thought I'd see another person, and instead you bring me this."
The woman again watches him enjoy the drink, then gives him a sly look as she unzips farther. "Now, then. Would you like to play around?"
"There is NO way you have a set of golf clubs in there."
https://redd.it/1gs8sta
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A science story
A doctor doing a study on viability asked an 85-year-old man for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 85-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, "What happened? Why is the jar empty?”
“Well, doc, it's like this,"
the man explained. "First
I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing."
“She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arlene, our next-door neighbor and she tried too - first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor????"
"Yep," said the old man. "Not one of us could get the jar open.”
https://redd.it/1gryyeh
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with The Titanic?
About half way.
(Courtesy of ‘Popbitch. Where appropriate, I always give credit).
https://redd.it/1grw2fx
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A guy wakes up from a coma and asks the doctor, "How long was I out?"
The doctor says, "About five years."
The guy sits up, panicked. "Five years?! Who's the president now?"
The doctor sighs, "Brace yourself..."
https://redd.it/1gr99mq
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Why aren't there as many female dentists? [nsfw?]
Sadistic women can earn more as a dominatrix.
https://redd.it/1gremxz
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A blind man walks into a bar, sits down at the counter and orders a double martini. Realising that there are several people sitting around him, he says:
"I'm going to tell you the best joke about blondes you've ever heard."
The woman next to him says:
"Before you tell the joke, i'm going to warn you about a few things:
-The waitress who gave you the drink is blonde.
-I'm blonde and a jiu-jitsu instructor.
-On my left is my bipolar blonde sister.
-Sitting at the table next to you are two blondes with Russian mafia tattoos."
Blind man: "I've changed my mind! If I have to explain the joke five times, I'll give up."
https://redd.it/1grbz0l
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A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Those are enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It's like a report card; it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks.
"Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex.
https://redd.it/1gr6eo0
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How many people does it take to run the Department of Governmental Efficiency?
Two people
https://redd.it/1gqvijn
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Where do stormtroopers do their shopping?
At whatever’s next to Target
https://redd.it/1gqttqe
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The world's tongue twister champion has been arrested
he will be given a tough sentence
https://redd.it/1gtdekp
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Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!" "Oh NO! I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive." \
"I also heard that you’ve been calling me fat?"
"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."
"I’ve also heard that you’re saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"
"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"
https://redd.it/1gsznxx
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What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on the same book for years?
A Church
https://redd.it/1gt0k9c
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What do you call the person who graduates last-in-class from Medical School?
The next US Surgeon General.
https://redd.it/1gso5s2
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QAnon said they wanted to bring pedophiles to Justice
But I never expected making Matt Gaetz the Attorney General was the way they meant that.
https://redd.it/1gsq9yo
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The Vatican just announced the new patron saint of copying people into emails....
St Francis of a CC....
https://redd.it/1gsg47l
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I invited a bunch of asexuals to an orgy
Nobody came
But at least they showed up
https://redd.it/1gsbtm1
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I wrote down the names of all the people I dislike on a piece of paper but my roommate used that to roll up his joint.
He’s…now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
https://redd.it/1gs3h4a
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I went to the pharmacy to buy a box of condoms
When I went to pay the pharmacist asked
"Would you like a bag?"
I replied
"No I will just turn off the lights."
https://redd.it/1grvwrm
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What do bill Cosby and santa claus have in common?
The both come while you're sleeping
https://redd.it/1grkmpa
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A mother and her daughter are driving through the country when they pass a stallion standing on the side of the road very obviously demonstrating that he is truly a stud. The daughter sees this and asks, "Mom? What's that hanging down from that horse?"
Mom shrugs and replies, "It's nothing, dear."
A week later, the daughter is riding with her father when they past the same stallion in the same condition. The daughter asks, "Dad? What's that hanging down from that horse?"
"Why, that would be the horse's penis," says Dad.
"Hm, when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing."
Dad shrugs, smiles, and replies, "I know, dear. That's because your Mom is spoiled."
https://redd.it/1grfkf2
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God was giving out traits to Adam and Eve. He had two left and decided to ask their preference.
He said, “So I have two things left for you both. The first is peeing while standing up…”
Adam jumped up and interrupted, “Me! Me! I want to pee standing up! Then I can just pee wherever I am standing. Oh, and I can write my name in the snow!”
God said, “Are you sure you want it? I haven’t even said what the other trait is?”
Adam said, “I don’t care. Peeing standing up is so cool, nothing can beat that!”
God shrugged and asked, “Eve, are you ok with this?”
Eve looked at how happy Adam was and shrugged herself. “It’s ok, I’m sure I’ll also be happy with whatever I get.”
God nodded, “Yes. For you Eve, the last trait. Multiple orgasms.”
https://redd.it/1gr8cuh
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What did Adam say to Eve when he got his very first erection?
Stand back..... I don't know how big this thing gets.
https://redd.it/1gr44ju
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Called the Department of Defence after I found my ex-Army wife is cheating on me with a former marine.
They referred me to the Department of Veteran Affairs
https://redd.it/1gqnnob
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My co-workers have given me “the least expressive person they have ever met” award three years in a row.
I can’t tell you how proud I am about this.
https://redd.it/1gqt608
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