1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
I had to go to the doctors the other day to discuss treatment for my chronic diarrhoea. He asked me about any history of diarrhoea with my parents. I said my Dad had it, my uncle too, and my grandad.
"Aah", the doctor said. "Runs in the family"
https://redd.it/1g9qbol
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My husband told me “You’re an eight on a scale of ten”.
I still don’t know why he wants me to urinate on a skeleton.
https://redd.it/1g9t6cf
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A cowboy is riding through the plains with his Native American guide….
….after a time, the native dismounts, and puts his ear to the ground. As he stands up, he says,”Buffalo come.” The cowboy says,”How can you tell? Just from listening for their sounds? Or feeling vibrations through the earth?” The native says,”Ear sticky.”
https://redd.it/1g9laez
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A census taker knocks on a door, and a ten-year old boy opens it.
He's got an open beer in his hand and a fat cigar in his teeth. The census taker is a little surprised, and asks, "Hello, young man. Are your parents home?"
The kid takes the cigar out of his mouth, looks the man up and down, and says, "What the fuck do you think?"
https://redd.it/1g90ped
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The coffee shop has a sign that says, “No wi-fi, pretend it’s 1973”…
So I paid ten cents for my coffee and lit a cigarette.
https://redd.it/1g96b3g
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Researchers in Britain have discovered the first ever adult man with three penises.
And after a long and complicated surgery, doctors were able to successfully give him a third hand.
- Michael Che, SNL.
https://redd.it/1g8v4dq
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Three friends found a Genie, and he offered them three wishes.
"Three wishes each?" one of them asked.
"No," the Genie replied. "Three wishes in total. You can decide how to split them, but it’s only three wishes. And you can’t wish for someone else, the wish has to be applied to yourself only."
After some discussion, they all agreed that the fairest way to proceed was for each of them to make one wish.
The first one wished to be immortal. The Genie nodded, but before granting the wish, the second friend interrupted, saying, "WAIT! I know how this works. He’ll make you immortal, but you’ll keep ageing. After 100 years, you’ll be a vegetable, unable to move, fully aware that you’ll be stuck like that for all eternity."
The first guy raised his hand. "Excuse me, can I change my wish?"
"OK," said the Genie. "You can swap. What do you want?"
"I don’t want to get old. I want to be young and healthy forever."
The Genie replied, "Are you sure? You could still die if you have an accident."
"Yes, I understand, but at least I won’t get sick or old."
"OK."
The second guy said, "I want that too, young and healthy forever."
The Genie nodded. "Alright."
Then he turned to the third guy. "And what about you? Do you want the same?"
The third guy shook his head. "No. You know when you take a crap, and it comes out quick, clean, and easy? And then when you go to wipe, you realize it’s already clean? I want every single one of my shits to be like that for the rest of my life."
The other two friends looked at each other and raised their hands.
https://redd.it/1g8khyb
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Here's a joke I just thought of.
A vet is inseminating a cow. The farmer asks, 'What did you do before this?' The cow says, 'I was a ventriloquist.'
https://redd.it/1g8igfx
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My friend died when she couldn't remember her blood type
She kept saying "be positive" but its hard without her :(
https://redd.it/1g8c00s
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A man encounters a genie...
The genie tells him: "Alright, you get 2 wishes." To which the man replies, "I thought it was 3 wishes?" The genie responds: "Check your pants, I've been doing this a long time."
https://redd.it/1g89k30
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I'm looking forward to Musk getting into trouble for election interference and trying to cover it up.
The Saga will be called Elongate. It won't be over quickly.
https://redd.it/1g7xera
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What’s the anthem of a chronic masturbator?
Here I Cum Again On My Own
https://redd.it/1g7pnzd
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Whoops!
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's 3rd Grade School teacher
https://redd.it/1g7itoq
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I won the lottery & my wife plans to take her half and move out.
I didn’t mention that the win was for $12. So I told her to take her $6 and go.
https://redd.it/1g7bdqf
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I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic
I was in daniel
https://redd.it/1g76npj
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A farmer had 3 daughters that all had a date on the same night…
So he decided to sit on the porch with his shotgun and check each guy out to make sure they were suitable for his daughters. The first guy arrived and said, “hi there, my name is Eddy, I’m here to pick up your daughter Betty, I’m taking her out to get some spaghetti, is she ready?” The farmer looked him over and decided he was ok so he sent them on there way. The second guy showed up and said, “hello, my name is Joe, I’m here to pick up your daughter Flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?” The farmer decided he was ok and sent the two on there way. The third guy showed up and said, “hi, my name is Chuck….BOOM, the farmer shot him.
https://redd.it/1g9yq2p
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My neighbor called to complain that my dog was chasing people on a bike.
That's ridiculous, my dog doesn't even own a bike.
https://redd.it/1g9og6z
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If thin people skinny dip, what do larger people do?
Chunky dunk
https://redd.it/1g9ez3d
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what do you call it when an asexual man has an erection?
A platonic solid
https://redd.it/1g911fe
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What’s worse than two girls running with scissors?
Two girls scissoring with the runs.
https://redd.it/1g957vv
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My coworker said: “ You should not eat red meat.” I said, “My grandmother lived to be 97.”…
She said, “Did she eat red meat?” I said, “No. She minded her own business.”
https://redd.it/1g8vo36
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I was browsing in a liquor store and an employee asked me, “Do you need any help?”
Me: Definitely. But I’ll get whiskey instead.
https://redd.it/1g8pn53
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What did the police find in Jeffrey Dahmer's shower?
Head and shoulders.
https://redd.it/1g8ejcj
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Heart Attack
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when she saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. `Do you have health insurance?` she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have
a spinster sister and
she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill
to my brother-in-law."
https://redd.it/1g8c8mc
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What's the difference between snowman and snow women?
Snowballs
https://redd.it/1g83rwx
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At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There’s no time.”
https://redd.it/1g7xa3g
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Whatever happens Nov. 5th I just hope we have a good, clean race...
Incidentally a "Good Clean Race" Is part of one party's platform
https://redd.it/1g7jjct
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For the single people thinking of getting married, here are some pros and cons.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
https://redd.it/1g79i0k
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My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
She almost poked my eye out!
https://redd.it/1g78olo
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I asked a chinese friend what it's like to live in China.
He says he can't complain.
https://redd.it/1g760yw
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