1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
I just heard that the Pope says it okay, now, to kiss a nun..
..as long as you do not get into the habit.
https://redd.it/1g6yj3j
@r_jokes
Instead of Drew, I'm going to name my kid Driew.
Now I know what you're thinking, but it's only weird if you read it backwards
https://redd.it/1g6wo7b
@r_jokes
The once was a King who was only 12 inches tall.
He made a great ruler.
https://redd.it/1g6i016
@r_jokes
Optimist: "The glass is 1/2 full"
Pessimist: "The glass is half empty"
Excel: "The glass is January second"
https://redd.it/1g6d80u
@r_jokes
Scientists have confirmed that tuna ages five times faster than humans.
That’s because ..tuna half hours = 150 minutes.
https://redd.it/1g69qll
@r_jokes
What does George Michael eat with his curry?
Well I guess it would be rice
https://redd.it/1g5wzsd
@r_jokes
I've never understood men who say they can't find the clitoris.
How can you not see it right under your nose?
https://redd.it/1g5vidm
@r_jokes
You know who has more descendents than Genghis Khan?
Genghis khan's dad
https://redd.it/1g5pxc0
@r_jokes
My favorite fried chicken place has closed and reopened as a burger joint.
Ah well. That was hen, this is cow.
https://redd.it/1g5egcf
@r_jokes
A man has just approached me, and said the words, "portent, omen, prophecy, premonition"
I think he was using sign language
https://redd.it/1g5aly6
@r_jokes
When I was little a strange old man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
Now after devoting my life to building a time machine of my own, I'm finally ready to go back to when *he* was little, and we'll see how he likes it!
https://redd.it/1g5464j
@r_jokes
When I was young, everyone wore wristwatches. Now everyone has a clock on their phone.
Boy..how times have changed.
https://redd.it/1g4x26g
@r_jokes
A Guy Applied For a Job and the Interviewer Said, "Why I There a Four Year Stretch Where You Did Nothing?"
The guy said, "I was in Yale."
The interviewer was very impressed. He said, "Yale? Wow, you're hired."
The guy said, "Thanks. I really need this yob."
https://redd.it/1g4khg4
@r_jokes
A guy is in a job interview. The interviewer asks “What do you consider to be your greatest weakness?”. The guy thinks for a moment and replies “Well I do believe in being totally honest.” The interviewer looking surprised says “I think that is a strength not a weakness.” …
“I don’t give a f@ck what you think!” The guy replies.
https://redd.it/1g4gj0y
@r_jokes
A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
https://redd.it/1g45a24
@r_jokes
I finally found out what the disorder is called when you can't sleep and just eat instead.
It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-mia.
https://redd.it/1g6vxys
@r_jokes
My son's math teacher told me he doesn't get that there is a number between 9 and 11
His current understanding of math is untenable
https://redd.it/1g6k3de
@r_jokes
Today during my driving lesson i asked my instructor:
"Do you think there is any correlation between driving skills and sex?"
He replied: " In my experience my driving skills are a lot worse when i'm having sex."
https://redd.it/1g6g1ee
@r_jokes
I was in a restaurant the other day with my wife and child and the waitress, a girl I used to date, came up and said to me 'You've done too much, much too young, now you're married with a son
when you should be having fun with me' then she asked if i was ready to order....
I said not yet, but can i hear the Specials again...
https://redd.it/1g6cubt
@r_jokes
Why is a penis like a paycheck?
Because, with both, you never want to hear your partner ask "is it in yet?".
https://redd.it/1g64row
@r_jokes
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she made him a full breakfast with a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring the coffee, he noticed a $5 bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this is just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the money for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you and he said, ‘Fuck him, give him a fiver.’”
The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
https://redd.it/1g5re3t
@r_jokes
My English teacher stopped me at the end of class and said, "Tom, I'd like a word with you."
"Urchin," I replied
https://redd.it/1g5oyht
@r_jokes
The man who invented autocorrect has died.
May he roast in piss.
https://redd.it/1g5mlmp
@r_jokes
A good percentage of my friends are murderers
Its 0. That’s a good percentage.
https://redd.it/1g5b5xx
@r_jokes
What begins with V, every woman has, and they can use it to get what they want?
Voice
https://redd.it/1g5b6v6
@r_jokes
A guy is in a job interview. The interviewer asks “What do you consider to be your greatest strength?”. The guy thinks for a moment and replies "I'm very responsible."
"In fact, at my last job any time something went wrong all my coworkers said I was responsible."
https://redd.it/1g4z676
@r_jokes
A man in an interview is asked: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
He replies: i’d say my biggest weakness is listening
https://redd.it/1g4kf05
@r_jokes
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a suspect on the road toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?" The sarge replied,
"He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
https://redd.it/1g4nly4
@r_jokes
An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, " I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales." The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, "
" Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son."
https://redd.it/1g4hk1c
@r_jokes
I beat a kid in a video game and told them I banged their mom last night
My son was very upset.
https://redd.it/1g4a9v3
@r_jokes