1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Coffee has been banned in France.
You probably haven’t heard because the French press isn’t covering the story.
https://redd.it/1g43sh0
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Do you want to hear the most average joke I know?
I probably shouldn't tell you, it's really mean!
https://redd.it/1g3y4rk
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If a male pumpkin is named Gord, what is his wife's name?
>!Melonie!<
https://redd.it/1g3l0c0
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A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. "How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"
https://redd.it/1g3gzm3
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The difference between cocaine and meth is
Coke is what you do when you want to go out and dance. But meth is what you do when you want to conquer all of Europe in four days.
https://redd.it/1g3c7dy
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The shortest complete sentence in the English language is “I am”. The longest sentence is also just 2 words with 3 letters total….
“I do”
https://redd.it/1g2vixd
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My gf said “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis". I replied...
...that’s 15 love
https://redd.it/1g2yupv
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My wife says I’m hung like a horse
A seahorse is still a horse goddamn’t.
https://redd.it/1g2qy58
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Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!
And the woman was thinking to herself: My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!
https://redd.it/1g2qf6p
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I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes. Edit: Apparently he’s stuck in traffic and he’s going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He’s making better progress than thought, he will be here-
...in 12 minutes. Edit 3: Apparently now it will take him 5 days.
https://redd.it/1g2i0yn
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What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
https://redd.it/1g2a3s2
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During Lamaze class, the instructor was teaching the husbands how to help their wives. "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner." A guy in the back raises his hand and asks,
"Is it OK for her to carry a golf bag as we walk?"
https://redd.it/1g219nq
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My wife told the therapist, “I’m sick of him taking everything literally.”
Therapist, to me: Do you know what she means?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
https://redd.it/1g1xx31
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This stoner finds a genie in a bottle on the beach.
"Three wishes," the genie says.
"First wish," the stoner grins, "let's smoke a joint." They do.
Then, "Second wish, let's smoke another." They do.
For the third wish, he says, "Let's smoke one more."
The genie, looking concerned, says, "Are you sure? You have only one wish left."
"Yeah, man, I'm sure," the stoner replies. They smoke, and the genie goes back in the bottle.
A little while later, the genie comes out of the bottle and says, "Alright, what's your fourth wish?"
https://redd.it/1ftbay6
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"So, officer, let me get this straight. You're telling me it's illegal to have 12 glasses of wine and fall asleep on a 5 hour flight? I wasn't rude or rowdy, I didn't yell at anyone. At least two of the passengers were more drunk than me and you didn't arrest them"
Arresting officer: "Well sir, that may be so, but you were the pilot"
https://redd.it/1ft5yhd
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Have you heard the new joke about statistics?
You probably have.
https://redd.it/1g3uad9
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Adam, a fresh Navy recruit, was eager on his first day aboard the submarine. He reported to the officer, who sized him up and gave his first order.
"Adam, I need you to stand by the periscope entry and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch it. Understand?"
"Yes, sir!" Adam responded and stood at his post. Fifteen minutes later, the officer returned.
"Adam, I’m reassigning you. Head to the mess hall and start washing dishes."
Without hesitation, Adam complied, scrubbing away at the sink. But after washing only a few dishes, the officer appeared again.
"Adam, change of plans. You're needed in the supply room. Make sure everything’s secured in case of rough waters."
Again, Adam followed the order and made his way to the supply room. Inside, he found another crewman stacking boxes. Adam, a bit frustrated, spoke up.
"Hey, is it normal to keep getting shuffled around like this? I’ve been reassigned three times already, and it’s only been 15 minutes!"
The crewman chuckled and said, "Welcome to the sub, Adam. This place is full of reposts."
https://redd.it/1g3y62e
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Linkedin is the complete opposite of Tinder
On linkedin beautiful girls message nerdy guys without getting any replies.
https://redd.it/1g3pwbi
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I once met a rude bread baker and told him to watch his damn language.
He said "Watch *my* damn language? Well right back the focaccia!"
https://redd.it/1g3dz7f
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My wife says that I have no empathy
I don't understand how she can feel this way
https://redd.it/1g38ods
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I have a dog named Rolex.
He's my watchdog.
https://redd.it/1g3368l
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Today I overheard my son talk back to my wife. She told him to do something and he told her, "No." So I had to pull him aside to talk to him and said,
"Son, can you teach me how to do that?"
https://redd.it/1g2z694
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Due to all the hurricanes, there is an acute toilet paper shortage and people are using newspapers instead.
Have to say——The Times are rough.
https://redd.it/1g2pfaf
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My girlfriend just dumped me. She said in a teary tirade: “I can’t take your shit any more. You’re so pedantic. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you....
.... I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”
She was about to close the door when I yelled **“No, no….waaait”**
She turned back, tears in her eyes, a glimmer of hope still remained.
That was when I uttered those three magic words. “Gary and I”
https://redd.it/1g2mhrp
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Why do ducks have tails?
To hide their butt-quacks.
https://redd.it/1g251o9
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When i tell people I met my girlfriend in a mental hospital,
they say Im fucking crazy.
https://redd.it/1g284x1
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I took a urine test at the hospital this morning.
My kleptomania is really pissing people off.
https://redd.it/1g229qk
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I was lying here on my back, and tried to pass gas. My nutsuck was saggy, though, and blocked it.
It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart.
https://redd.it/1ftfm57
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Why do theater people say "Break A Leg"?
Because if you break a leg it means you'll be in a cast!
https://redd.it/1ft4f59
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Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups?
Because they can’t even.
https://redd.it/1fszlvz
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