1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
I have a condition called photosynthesis
It's a rare condition where I use big words to sound smart without knowing what they mean
https://redd.it/1fe4mim
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Our daughter’s name is Love, but my parents hate that name.
My mom said “darling, you gave Love a bad name”
https://redd.it/1fdny5r
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How to you pronounce the capital of Kentucky?
20% of the people in Kentucky think you pronounce the capital of Kentucky as "LOO-ə-vəl" (Louisville)
The other 80% of the people in Kentucky think you pronounce the capital of Kentucky as "LUUV-əl".
But the correct answer is Frankfort.
https://redd.it/1fdlh66
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A young boy walks into a barber shop, and the barber quietly tells his customer, "This kid is the dumbest kid in the world."
A young boy walks into a barber shop, and the barber leans in and says to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch and see."
The barber then places a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, calling the boy over and asking, "Which one do you want, kid?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"See what I mean?" the barber says. "He never learns!"
Later, as the customer is leaving, he notices the same boy coming out of an ice cream parlor. "Hey, kid! Can I ask you something? Why did you pick the quarters over the dollar bill?"
The boy, enjoying his ice cream, replies, "Because if I took the dollar, the game would be over!"
https://redd.it/1fdizn7
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A man is struck by a bus on a busy street. As he lies dying, he calls out, “A priest! Somebody get me a priest!”
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street. As he lies dying, he calls out, “A priest! Somebody get me a priest!” A police officer checks the crowd—no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. Then out of the crowd an elderly man comes over. “Officer,” he says, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But for 50 years I’ve lived behind St. Elizabeth’s Church, and every night I’ve listened to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.” The officer agrees, and the elderly man kneels down over the injured pedestrian and solemnly intones: “B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72 ...”
https://redd.it/1fde1up
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I uninstalled Facebook as I got depressed seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage.
I uninstalled LinkedIn as I got depressed seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion.
I uninstalled instagram as I got depressed seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.
But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .
https://redd.it/1fd8c85
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Me: "Dad, do you know the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?"
Dad: "No."
Me: "So it was you."
https://redd.it/1fcyi6i
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I used to go out with a girl who collected magazines...
She had a lot of issues
https://redd.it/1fcpkei
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My grandfather came to America from Ireland to find a better life.
My grandmother came not long after, tracked him down, and put a stop to that.
https://redd.it/1fcjvxa
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Cows kill significantly more people every year than sharks.
In fact, they don't kill any sharks at all.
https://redd.it/1fc8dob
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Officer Sex
A young woman meets an army officer in a hotel bar and after a few drinks they’re getting rather close so she asks him when the last time he had sex was.
The officer thinks for a second and then says “2015.”
The woman gasps in shock, immediately books a room and rocks the guy’s world.
Afterwards they’re cuddling and she asks him if he wants to go for dinner and he says, “I can’t; I have to be back at the base by 2300.”
https://redd.it/1fc643z
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A customer in an Italian restaurant is so pleased with his meal that he insists on telling the chef personally.
A customer in an Italian restaurant is so pleased with his meal that he insists on telling the chef personally. The owner proudly leads him into the kitchen. “Your pizza is superb,” the customer tells the chef. “I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there.” “Naturally,” the chef says. “Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!”
https://redd.it/1fbz9r7
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I just had a UTI that stung horribly and made my urine come out cloudy, but I think the antibiotics finally took it out.
I can pee clearly now; the pain is gone.
https://redd.it/1fbolsd
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“Will I ever be President?” William Henry Harrison asked the fortune teller
“Not only will you get to be President” she said, “but you’ll get to hold the office for life!”
https://redd.it/1fbmvfc
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The young rabbi was an avid golfer.
Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.
On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.
An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, “This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?”
“Of course it is,” said the Lord, smiling. “Who can he tell?”
https://redd.it/1fbeb95
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A sheep is made king of the animals for a month…
He calls the wolf over, which bows obediently before his throne. The sheep hits him over the head with his scepter and shouts “You’re not wearing a helmet!” The wolf runs off clutching his head.
The next day rolls around, and the wolf is called in front of the sheep again. Again, the sheep hits him over the head and shouts “You’re not wearing a helmet!”
This goes on for a week, before one of the sheep’s advisors says “My lord, you can’t keep hitting higm over the head for the same reason every day! You have to come up with something else.”
The sheep ponders this, “What do you suggest?” The advisor answers “Ask him to go to the shop and get you some cigarettes. If he gets you filtered cigarettes, say you wanted filterless. If he gets you filterless cigarettes, say you wanted filtered!”
“Genius!” The king responds and they go to bed for the night.
The next morning, the sheep calls the wolf to the throne, who cautiously approaches. “Take this money,” the sheep says “and get me some cigarettes.”
The wolf is estatic and runs off to get the cigarettes. He comes back after some time. “My lord! I didn’t know if you wanted filtered or filterless, so I got you both.”
The sheep hits the wolf over the head, shouting “You’re not wearing a helmet!”
https://redd.it/1fdu5gg
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A man walks into a bar...
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you do that."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
https://redd.it/1fdr9wf
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Two men die and show up at the Pearly Gates together
St Peter greets them. "Gentleman, welcome to Heaven. I've got bad news and good news for you. The bad news is that Heaven is currently full. There was some sort of screw-up in the scheduling department, and we don't have rooms for you guys. We won't have available rooms for 2 weeks. The good news is we'll send you back to Earth for those two weeks, doing whatever you want, in whatever form you want. What would you like?'
"Well," says the first man, "I've always loved majestic, breathtaking vistas, and I've always wondered what it would be like to be able to fly. So I want to be an eagle, soaring over the Rocky Mountains."
The second man hesitates. "Did you say we could do anything we want at all? And we'll still get into Heaven?"
"Yes, anything at all, and your admission to Heaven has already been approved and can't be revoked."
"Okay, then. It's been a pretty lonely life, and I've never gotten much... action, if you know what I mean. So I want to be a stud in Las Vegas."
Two weeks go by, and Peter calls over the Archangel Gabriel.
"Remember those two guys that were here a couple of weeks ago? Their rooms are ready now, so I'm going to need you to go down to Earth and bring them back."
"The first one should be easy to find. There aren't too many eagles in the Rocky Mountains. Just find the one that's soaring the highest and it will probably be him."
"The second one may be trickier. There are an awful lot of housing projects under construction in Las Vegas..."
https://redd.it/1fdoy84
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I went to the hairdressers and said, “Can I have a haircut like Tom Cruise?”
So they gave me a cushion to sit on.
https://redd.it/1fdi76i
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What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?
It depends on where you put the cucumber.
https://redd.it/1fd2c9h
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A man is in the restroom and a cop walks in....
The cop tries to be friendly and ask, "How are you doing?" so the man awkwardly smiles and says, "Oh, you know, just holding my own" and the cop says "That's good. I'd arrest you if you were holding someone else's"
https://redd.it/1fd1cpj
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Helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative?
Sure, but what does "ternative" mean?
https://redd.it/1fclsh6
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I was watching some vintage porn last night when my wife walked in. That was a shock...
I didn't even know she used to work in the porn industry
https://redd.it/1fcq84m
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What's the difference between your nose and your best friend?
Nobody bats an eye when you blow your nose.
https://redd.it/1fcht6g
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Two nuns were riding their bicycles in the back streets and alleys of Rome. One turns to the other and says "I've never come this way before!"
The other replied "it's the cobblestones!"
https://redd.it/1fc6eth
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I asked my GF if she likes 6 inch or 12 inch
She got offended and said it is a matter of personal choice. Going to Subway for a sandwich can be difficult.
https://redd.it/1fc2f1x
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My math teacher said I was just average
That's mean
https://redd.it/1fbvh8l
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Why is giving a hairy man a handjob so hard?
You have to beat around the bush.
https://redd.it/1fbn86w
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Did you hear about the archeologist who got fired?
His life was in ruins.
https://redd.it/1fbk2ci
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Why are gay guys so mean and hateful?
Because they’re fucking assholes.
https://redd.it/1fbfbdj
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