1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
I just had a near-sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
https://redd.it/1fbc3pl
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Yo mama is like "Cheer's"
Everybody knows her name and she's always glad they came.
https://redd.it/1famw0z
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Why don’t blind people do pole vaulting?
Their dog doesn’t like it.
https://redd.it/1fasdv2
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Our friend Jose has this annoying habit of yelling “Que?’ in the middle of a conversation, and we all get startled.
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.
https://redd.it/1fakoa7
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On trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection, the judge asks the wife, "First offender?"
She replied "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."
https://redd.it/1fah6sb
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A Roman wakes up in the hospital.
A Roman wakes up in the hospital, he is drowsy and notices a needle in the back of his hand.
A nurse comes in and he asks her, “Hey… what’s this… for?”
The nurse says, “No sir, that’s your IV.”
https://redd.it/1f9xjwy
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Got drunk and made a pass at my girlfriend's mom and now my girlfriend's furious.
She yelled: "Why the fuck did you just throw that football at my mom?!"
https://redd.it/1f9ys8q
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A woman goes up to her husband and says "honey, I've shaved, do you know what that means?"
He replies "that the drain is blocked again"
https://redd.it/1f9udr6
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A man tries on a made-to-order suit and says to the tailor,
“I need this sleeve taken in! It’s two inches too long!”
The tailor says, “No, just bend your elbow like this. See, it pulls up the sleeve.”
The man says, “Well, okay, but now look at the collar! When I bend my elbow, the collar goes halfway up the back of my head.”
The tailor says, “So? Raise your head up and back. Perfect.”
The man says, “But now the left shoulder is three inches lower than the right one!”
The tailor says, “No problem. Bend at the waist way over to the left and it evens out.”
The man leaves the store wearing the suit, his right elbow crooked and sticking out, his head up and back, all the while leaning down to the left.
The only way he can walk is with a herky-jerky, spastic gait.
Just then, two passersby notice him.
Says the first: “Look at that poor crippled guy. My heart goes out to him.”
Says the second: “Yeah, but his tailor must be a genius! That suit fits him perfectly!”
https://redd.it/1f9k4qd
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A joke is like a frog..
When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.
https://redd.it/1f9ifhf
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I was wearing my pajamas having a coffee on my front porch this morning.
My nextdoor neighbor yelled over "hey can you change a tire?" I ran back in my house and came out wearing my tuxedo.
https://redd.it/1f960x4
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A man is at the airport counter checking in his luggage.
The man said to the agent, "I'm flying to Los Angeles but I would like this bag to go to Portland, this one to Albuquerque, and this one to Sioux Falls."
The agent looked suitably shocked and said, "Sir, there is no way we can do that."
"Why not?", replied the man, "You did it last time".
https://redd.it/1f8ygv9
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A woman is playing with her one year old baby. “You’re so lucky… you slept, you ate, you played, you pooped, and then you slept again.”
Her husband’s voice from the bathroom: “Hey, it’s my day off!”
https://redd.it/1f8rzfy
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Two Clever Nuns
There were two nuns.
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical!
Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
S : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be a dirty story.......
The Moral of the Story is:
LOGIC BEATS MATHS ANYTIME.
And Maths cannot survive without Logic
https://redd.it/1f8n1j1
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I signed up for Binary 101 in college, but failed it miserably.
Turns out..it’s a Level 5 course.
https://redd.it/1f8jku1
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Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?
I heard there was nothing left but de Brie.
https://redd.it/1fb41ev
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I cut a bunch of 25 cent pieces in half
I cut a bunch of 25 cent pieces in half, then cut them in half again and put them in a pint glass until it was filled halfway up, and sat it in my room. Now I have a quarter quart of quartered quarters in my quarters.
https://redd.it/1fayi5i
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My wife said her gynecologist recognized her at the supermarket.
I told her she needs to start wearing longer skirts.
https://redd.it/1fau05k
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On Monday morning, a teacher asks his 2nd graders what they did over the weekend:
Timmy goes first: “I went to the movies with my mommy and daddy”.
“Great!” The teacher replies “but I want you to use big kid words. Next time, say you went to the movies with mom and dad”
Next up is Rose “I rode the choo choo with my family”
“Sounds fun!” The teacher replies “but again, we use big kid words. You rode the train with your family”
Then it’s Johnny’s turn to talk about his weekend, he thinks for a second, then says “this weekend I watched Winnie the Shit with my brother”
https://redd.it/1fah6rc
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Why should you never get undressed in front of a Pokemon?
They might Pikachu!
https://redd.it/1faeewm
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man overseas fighting a war
While a man was overseas fighting a war he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.
To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).
He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
https://redd.it/1fa36om
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An old couple are sitting in church when the old woman turns to her husband and says “I just let out a silent fart what should I do?”
The Husband says “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
https://redd.it/1f9xnfs
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"I'm sorry" & "I apologize" mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.
https://redd.it/1f9rqc8
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What has 9 heads, 5 legs and 2 arms?
An orgy at the Paralympic village.
https://redd.it/1f9j1g8
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A young co-owner of an oil refinery company walks into the restaurant.
(The original joke is in russian, joke is personally translated and told from memory and may be inaccurate)
A young co-owner of an oil refinery company walks into the restaurant and is being seated by staff.
Once sat, he can't find the menu and calls for waitress.
Waitress arrives and the co-owner asks for menu, but waitress replies:
"Oh, actually we don't have a menu in this restaurant, it's an unusual one. See, everyone in here can do whatever they want as long as they have enough money"
The co-owner with surprised look on his face asks:
"Like, everything?"
"Yes, if you're unable to pay, the executioner will come over and chop off one of your limbs, of your choice of course."
The co-owner sitting here for couple of seconds thinking, and shortly after says:
"Alright, then blow me."
The waitress starts to kneel on her knees and unzips the co-owner's pants, giving him a blowjob.
The co-owner looks around, and no one bats an eye, like everything is on its own place.
The co-owner then starts to have sex with the waitress, once finished, tips over the table he once was seated.
Every visitor had the same demeanor as before, like nothing weird happened.
Later then, the guy smashed every window in the restaurant, got the head from every cook, every waitresses, the head chief, tipped every table and threw chairs all around the premise.
After he had all the fun, co-owner said:
"Alright, call in the executioner."
*Executioner comes over*
*Co-owner pulls his cock out*
Executioner says:
"I mean, aren't you a quite a young feller? You know, this thing might come in handy in the future, feels bad to chop this off, maybe like a hand or a leg"
"The fuck you mean chop off? Blow me, I have all the money in this world!"
https://redd.it/1f997ll
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Woman goes to see a gynaecologist for the first time and is laying back when she hears him gasp
Worried she asks if everything is OK and the gynaecologist responds.
"Sorry, no, everything's fine and healthy don't worry. It's you just have the largest vagina I have ever seen, and I'm a gynaecologist"
"Realy, is it that big?" ask the woman
"oh yes, go home and stand over a mirror and have look"
So she heads home and follows instructions, and is stand over the mirror when her husband walks in sees her, and throws her across the room.
"What the hell, you nearly broke my fuckng arm" screams the woman
The husband responds - "If you'd fell down that hole, you'd have broke your fucking neck"
https://redd.it/1f95u5y
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I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot.
I was annoyed because I was gonna eat that later but now it's gonna taste like carrot.
https://redd.it/1f8z1vv
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A defendant was on trial for murder.
There was strong evidence indicating his guilt, but there was no corpse. In his
closing statement, the defense attorney resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,” he said. “I have a surprise for
you all—within one minute, the person presumed dead will walk
into this courtroom.”
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, stunned,
all looked eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally
the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the business about the dead
man walking in. But you all looked at the door with anticipation. I
therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case
as to whether anyone was killed, and I must insist that you return
a verdict of ‘not guilty.’”
The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, they
returned and pronounced a verdict of “guilty.”
“But how could you do that?” bellowed the lawyer. “You must
have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door.”
The jury foreman replied, “Oh, we looked, but your client
didn’t.”
https://redd.it/1f8qo4m
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A Chinese Man and a Jewish Man walk into a Bar
A couple drinks in, they start arguing, and the Jewish man says "You know, I never really liked your kind." The Chinese man asks him why. The Jew replies "Because you bombed Pearl Harbor." The Chinese man scoffs. "That was the Japanese!" "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese--it's all the same to me," says the Jew.
"Well, I don't like your kind either" counters the Chinese man. "What, why?" aks the Jew. "Because you sunk the Titantic!" The Jewish man rolls his eyes. "That was an iceberg!" "Oh Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg--it's all the same to me!"
https://redd.it/1f87tic
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My favorite sex position is the JFK
It's when I splatter all over her face as she screams and tries to get out of the car.
https://redd.it/1f8gpxl
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