1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
What has two butts and kills people ?
An assassin.
https://redd.it/1lemz1i
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Guys eyesight starts failing and he goes to the doctor
The doctor does a bunch of tests and says
I’ve got good news and bad news….
The guy says give me the good news first ….
The doc says …..
You’re getting a new dog
https://redd.it/1lef7xs
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A masochistic man fell for a sadistic woman
He loved her so much because every day she would haul off and punch him in the face. After 50 years of happiness, he contracted a fatal disease and was given two weeks to live. The man told his wife, on his death bed, "honey, I love you so much, but I've always wanted to be punched by a man, at least once before I die. Could you arrange that for me?" His wife replied "of course, my love. I would do anything for you, you know that. I'll go out and find a group of men to deck you in the face, because I love you so much."
3 days later, she returned and said, "my dear, I've found quite a few men who would be happy to fulfill your wish. They're all waiting outside for you!" The man got up, and walked to the door, opened it and greeted the punch line..........
..but there wasn't one.
https://redd.it/1le6gbp
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A man and his girlfriend died and go to heaven
A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?" To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?" Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer." Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. 6 weeks later, Peter returns and says, "OK, I've found your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together." The couple responds by saying, "We have another question. Eternity is a very long time and we are not sure if our relationship will last. If things don't work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?" To which Peter replies, "Fucking Christ! It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"
https://redd.it/1le51e4
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A sailor was caught AWOL
as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer shouted an ordered to the sailor, saying,“You get a broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning, or it's the brig for you!”The sailor picked up a broom and commenced performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a Tern landed on the broom handle. The lad picked the Tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss.The Tern left, only to return and land once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine over and over again. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returned. In the morning, the chief petty officer came to check the sailor and his work.“What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?” barked the chief.The sailor replied, “Honest, chief, I tossed a Tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!”
https://redd.it/1ldr9fz
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Three drunk men are walking back home on a Thursday night.
(Originally a Jordanian joke)
Three drunk men are walking back home on a Thursday night. They get lost on their way and mistakenly take a wrong route. They enter a narrow alley and walk through it just to find themselves standing in front of a big wall blocking their way.
-“What do we do now?” the first guy asks.
-“I don’t know” the second replied.
-“Why don’t we just push the wall down the alley till we find an exit?” the third suggests.
-“What a wonderful idea!” All of them agree.
So each took off his shirt, threw it behind his back, flexed their muscles and started pushing against the wall with all their strength.
A few moments later an old man walks by and sees the three drunkards trying to push a solid wall that isn’t going anywhere. He laughs, steals the pile of shirts behind them and leaves.
After a long while of pushing, —exhausted, one of the men stops and takes a look behind his back. He immediately notices the pile of shirts are no where to be seen. Quickly he turns around to his buddies:
-“Boys stop, stop… we went too far”.
https://redd.it/1ldn27v
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Mid priced sex doll
A guy goes into a sex shop looking to buy a sex doll.
The salesman behind the counter goes through the various ranges, from quite cheap to ultra-high tech.
The salesman shows the guy ones that look almost lifelike and can do just about everything - even walk and talk and hold conversations, and then shows him the ones that are nothing more than a cheap inflatable.
Eventually he settles on around the middle of the range, nothing too high tech, but it had to be inflatable so he could hide it more easily when not using it.
He takes it home and realises he has no kind of pump, and didn’t buy the ones that self inflate, so he gets down to blowing this thing up manually.
After much huffing and puffing, he’s so exhausted he goes off to have a rest before trying to make use of it.
When he comes back, the doll has completely deflated and he has to start all over again.
Lots more huffing and puffing and inflates her again, but again has to rest.
When he gets back and she has again deflated, he decides to try one more time and this time to watch to see why she’s deflating. Sure enough the doll subsides quite quickly.
The guys shoves her back into her box, and takes her back to the shop. He puts the box on the counter and says, “This doll has gone down on me three times!!”
The salesman said, “Wow, if I’d known she could do that, I’d have charged you more”
https://redd.it/1ld4wxi
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Two Latvian workers came to Ireland to paint a house in the countryside.
They liked to have a drink before work, but didn't have a penny, so amid the house owner's absence they sold the paint, bought booze and began to have fun. Later, when they saw the housemaster approaching, they quickly smothered the horse's snout with the remaining bits of paint.
-Hey, why isn't anything painted?! - asks the owner.
-Cause the fucking horse drank all the paint!
The owner immediately takes his rifle and shoots the horse.
-Man, what the hell?! You just killed a horse over a few buckets of paint? - the shocked painters ask.
-I don't need such a horse. Last year, when I had some Polish masons here, the fucker wolfed down 10 bags of cement!
https://redd.it/1ld5vss
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My family found out about my humiliation fetish and staged an intervention to shame me.
I came to it.
https://redd.it/1lcxg5l
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Which Spice Girl can carry the most petrol?
Geri can
https://redd.it/1lcqnq9
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A lovely Czechoslovakian-born British woman approached a pawnbroker at a local mall.
She said to him in almost perfect English, "Please, I am looking for one night stand."
Liking her accent, the man closed his shop, and they both went to a bar for a couple of drinks, a nice restaurant, a club with a good floorshow, then afterwards headed back to his place for a romantic interlude.
As the sun began to use the next morning, he smiled sweetly at her sleepy face and said, "So how was that?"
"Was wonderful," she replied, "But I still have no place to put bedside lamp."
https://redd.it/1lcilg9
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A man is driving when he sees a hitchhiker on the side of the road
A man is driving in the early morning hours when he sees a hitchhiker at the side of the road, standing next to a suitcase, holding a bottle of rum.
The driver stops his car and rolls down the window, and asks "Hey buddy, do you need a lift?"
The hitchhiker limps to the car, his eyes are red with tears.
He says "Oh my god, thank you so much. I've had the worst week of my life. I went to South America on a safari for my friend's bachelor party. One night we we're camping in the jungle, sitting around a fire drinking the local rum. And this rum is incredibly strong, so after 3 or 4 shots we're all completely hammered.
All of a sudden, a female monkey comes and sits right next to us. And my friends dare me to give her the rum, and I'm pretty drunk so I do.
The monkey takes a swig of the rum and puts her hand down my trousers and starts jerking me off. Then she takes another swig of rum and starts blowing me! Then she takes another swig of rum and climbs on top of me, and starts riding me reverse cowgirl. My friends all find this hilarious and start taking photos and videos and cheering me on. And I'm pretty drunk so I end up having sex with the monkey in a bunch of different positions. Me on top of the monkey, the monkey on top of me, side by side, wheelbarrow. At one point we were 69ing, and I came harder than I've ever cum before. I was so exhausted I passed out.
The next morning I wake up and find my penis is covered in massive green warts, and when I try to pop them, bright orange liquid comes out. I freaked out and took an early flight back home. But the smell from my penis is so bad that no taxi driver wants to take me. So I tried walking up the highway but my penis hurts too much to walk."
The hitchhiker stops talking to adjust his trousers, his eyes welling with tears. The driver says "Thats terrible, you're obviously in pain. Do you want me to take you to the hospital?"
The hitchhiker says "Actually I still have some rum left. Can you drop me off at the zoo?"
https://redd.it/1lc7v37
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An elderly couple in Downeast Maine are in bed one night when the old man wakes up and realizes his wife has passed away…
So he calls up his son and says, “Son, I need you to come down and give me a hand, your mother’s gone.”
The son comes over, and together they lift her up and carry her down the stairs. Just as they reach the bottom, the son loses his grip and bumps her head on the newel post, and incredibly, she wakes up, calls them both idiots, and lets them hear about it for the next two years.
Then, one morning, the old man wakes up and finds his wife really has passed away. So he calls his son again. His son comes over, they lift her up, and start down the stairs, and the old man says, “Hang on, son… be EXTRA careful this time.”
https://redd.it/1lc0g5w
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I recently joined a nudist colony
The first few days were the hardest
https://redd.it/1lbsr91
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A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
https://redd.it/1lbnwwk
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Three logicians enter a bar. The bartender asks them "Do y'all want something to drink?"
The first logician says "I'm not sure"
The second logician says "I'm not sure"
The third logician says "Yes."
https://redd.it/1lej9zy
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My wife says I ruined her birthday.
Which is impossible! I didn't even know it was her birthday.
https://redd.it/1ledgbv
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Boss: "Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life"!!
Me: "Well it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago 2011"
Boss: "Really"?
Me: "No"
https://redd.it/1ldnl09
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Three vampire brothers hold a competition..
The first brother who is the strongest.
"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.
"You see that mansion over there?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead."
"Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest."
The second brother to go is the oldest.
"Watch and learn, boys," he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour.
Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood.
"What happened?!" His brothers exclaimed.
"You see that village over there?"
"Yeah?" They said.
"Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive."
"Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience."
The third brother who is the fastest.
Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it."
He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at least 200mph. In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.
"You see that giant tree over there?"
"…Yeah?"
"Well I didn't…"
https://redd.it/1le15dt
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A short guy was walking in a hookers street. Everybody could see he was very shy.
He saw a nice-looking hooker sitting on a stool, so he stopped and looked at her with interest.
She noticed his lack of confidence, obviously because he was too short, so she told him, "Don't worry, mine fits all sizes."
So the guy smiled and asked her, "How much?"
She replied, "For you it'll be $90."
So he gave her the money, took the stool, and left.
https://redd.it/1ldkkf4
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A woman goes to her pastor and says, "I hate my manicure place because nobody speaks English...
... and there are Buddhas everywhere. Am I being unreasonable? What would Jesus do?"
The pastor thinks for a moment and replies, "The Bible tells us that Jesus was welcoming of people from all different places and faiths....
In fact, Matthew 27:35 tells us that some Roman guy did his nails."
https://redd.it/1ldj4kq
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A mother walks up to her only son and says "John, am I a bad mother?"
And her son says "My name is Paul!"
https://redd.it/1ld6syf
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Vladimir Putin calls one of his generals.
He says, "I hear that our soldiers are having trouble grasping their weapons. Their gloves are too slippery. We need to give them better gloves. Gloves really good for grasping."
The general replies "Yeah. I know this company called RaRa. They're really good at making non-slip gloves".
Putin: "Excellent. I want them to design a new machine to make the best grasping gloves in all of Russia."
General: "You got it boss."
Putin: "Oh, and I want the project to be named after myself because it was my idea."
G: "No problem."
So time passes, and finally the new glove machine is built. At the inauguration there is a giant banner that reads:
"***RaRa's Grasp-Putin. Russia's Greatest Glove Machine***"
https://redd.it/1lcxu3b
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My neighbor just got arrested for growing marijuana in his yard.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was
https://redd.it/1lcvf8c
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John was telling his friend about his skydiving class.
John said he had gone through training and was in flight on a plane for the first jump. All his class mates had already jumped and besides the pilot, only he and the instructor were left. John tells his friend, "I looked out the door and froze with fright and told the instructor I wouldn't be able to jump."
His friend is glued to the story and asks what happened next. He continues. "My instructor was a muscular, intimidating fellow. He leaned over and clearly stated, "If you don't jump you'll ruin my record of 100% of my students graduating. So either jump or I'm pulling down your pants, bending you over, and f@#$ing that ass of yours."
His friend was almost speechless at this. A few seconds later he asked, "Did you jump?!?"
John replied "Just a little."
https://redd.it/1lciidw
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Credit to my 9 year old daughter for this one:
“Dad, is One Direction still together?”
“No, I think they broke up”
“Ohhhh, so they all decided to go their own way”
(She didn’t realize she made a joke until I pointed it out)
https://redd.it/1lccuh4
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A man and his wife decided to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by going out to dinner at an expensive restaurant.
After wishing each other 'Happy Anniversary', they ordered their food, and when it arrived, the husband said to his wife, “Our food is here and looks great! Let’s eat!”
His wife quickly reminded him, “Honey, we always say our prayers at home before dinner!”
Her husband replied, “That’s at home, darling ... in this place the chef can actually cook!”
https://redd.it/1lby1tw
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I've dated a lot of women with bizarre fetishes. The one the that bothered me the most was a German girl who insisted we roleplay as different types of processed meats.
She was the wurst.
https://redd.it/1lbt5xe
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Beethoven was attracted to women with kinks. Countess Giulietta Giucciardi liked bondage. Josephine Brunsvik was into roleplaying. And then there was Elisabeth Roeckel, better known as
Furry Elise.
https://redd.it/1lbq8ly
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Why aren't color blind people allowed to join the police force?
...they wouldn't know who to shoot.
https://redd.it/1lbk1ic
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