1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Bangkok STD
A man goes to Bangkok on a business trip. While he's there, he decides to sample the carnal pleasures.
When he gets back home he notices there's something wrong with his male member. He goes to a doctor who recoils in horror and says the only thing we can do is amputate.
He goes to another doctor who also recoils in horror and says the only thing we can do is amputate.
So depressed, he thinks this is an Asian disease I should go to an Asian doctor.
He goes down to his local Chinatown and meets with an Asian doctor. He tells the doctor what the other doctos said.
"They want to cut off your dick?"
Said the doctor. "We won't have to do that."
As the man sighed in relief, the doctor said "two or three days it'll fall off by itself"
https://redd.it/1l8202v
@r_jokes
An elderly woman visited a produce store...
She requested 6kg of potatoes. The owner was delighted to help and started packing the potatoes. However, the woman stopped him and requested that each potato be wrapped individually. The man complied and asked if there was anything else he could help with.
The woman then decided she needed 4kg of onions to be wrapped in a similar manner. The shop owner packed the onions and asked if there was anything else. The woman asked for 8kg of carrots.
"Let me guess," said the owner with a sour face, "you want them wrapped individually."
"Oh, that would be grand." she said.
The shop owner fulfilled her request and packed all her items in a bag.
The woman then asked: "What are in those crates behind you?"
The man flushed red and said "Madam, these are grapes and they are not for sale!"
https://redd.it/1l7t0ka
@r_jokes
What did the South Korean traveler say at the currency exchange when he received his money without being told the exchange rate?
I have won, but at what cost?
https://redd.it/1l7post
@r_jokes
Marvin was walking through the state fair looking at the rides and attractions when he saw a huge sign on a tent proclaiming, "Come see The Magnificent Bob".
So he goes to the entrance, pays his two dollars, and goes inside. After about ten minutes, the act was to begin. Magnificent Bob came on stage wearing nothing but a bathrobe. Before him was a short table with five walnuts on it. Bob removed the robe revealing the largest penis ever. He grabbed it and, going down the line, smacked each walnut crushing them into tiny bits. The crowd went wild.
About twenty-five years later, Marvin again was walking through the same state fair and saw the same sign. "Come see The Magnificent Bob". So of course he had to see if it were the same performer. It was. The act was the same except there are five coconuts on the table. Bob comes out, takes off the robe, big Johnson, smashed coconuts, and crowd goes wild. After the performance, Marvin sees Bob on the Midway and talks with him. "Bob", Marvin starts, "I was here twenty-five years ago and saw your act but you were using walnuts. This time you used coconuts. Why did you switch?" Bob replied, "Well, after twenty-five years, my eyesight just ain't what it used to be".
https://redd.it/1l7iwf9
@r_jokes
A guy wanted a chaste woman and a virgin
A guy wanted a chaste woman and a virgin. So he went looking for one such. To test this, he would lower his pants and show his penis. Than he would ask:
"What is this?"
"Dick"
If the girl knew, that would mean she was too experienced and not chaste. So he was looking for a chaste woman in many places, but the answer was always "Dick", "dick", "dick".
He decided to look further, so he went somewhere completely desert of people. There he met a gorgeous innocent looking young girl.
"What is this?"
"I don't know" she answered
This was it. So they got married. On the first wedding night, he lowers his pants
"Do you know what this is?"
"I don't know" the girl responded.
"It's dick."
"Really? Never before have I seen such a tiny dick."
https://redd.it/1l79990
@r_jokes
Three dogs - Command, Conquer, and Control - are at a research laboratory when they are put back in the kennel after a long day of testing.
With his mind alone, Command levitates a pen and paper off the nearby desk, and writes on it, "So did today's training suck or what?"
Conquer simply speaks! "It was particularly brutal today, with all the jabs and exercises."
They turn to Control and ask him, "So how do you think today was?"
And Control looks up and says, "Ruff."
https://redd.it/1l6x0c7
@r_jokes
Two seventy-year-old friends meet one has a girlfriend in her 20's
They all go to get a bite. When the 20-something girlfriend excuses herself to use the bathroom, The first one has to ask,
"I'm so impressed! How did you land such a young, attractive girl like that?"
"Well, I had to lie about my age!"
"Really, that must have been quite the lie! How old did you say you were?"
"85"
https://redd.it/1l6vx3n
@r_jokes
Shaggy God story
A grandmother wants to take her grandson to the beach. The child’s mother, is worried the old woman will not be attentive to the child…”please” the grandmother begs “I’ve even bought him a sailor suit with a little hat!” Finally the mother relents.
At the beach, a huge wave rolls in from the horizon, crashes onto the beach and pulls the small boy out to sea without a trace.
The grandmother is in shock. She falls to her knees, looking to the sky. She begs…“God, please return my grandson. I’ll never ask for anything ever again!”
On the horizon, a second huge wave, rolls towards the beach, crashes at the grandmother’s feet and deposits the child wet but unharmed.
Again looking to the sky, the grandmother says
“He had a hat.”
https://redd.it/1l6mvw3
@r_jokes
My wife went deer hunting for the first time.
She said I go every year and she wanted to see what was so great that I kept coming back to hunt, year after year.
I taught her how to operate and fire a rifle accurately. How to spot where deer frequented. How to use camouflage. By the time deer season arrived I felt she was ready.
I took her to her deer bind and told her if she shoots...stay put. I would hear her shoot then I'd come from my blind, 300 meters away, and help her track her deer. No sooner was I out of sight I heard her fire her rifle.
I turned and headed her way. Before 10 seconds passed I heard lots of yelling. I ran to her blind and before long I could see a strange man with his hands up and my wife, rifle aimed, holding him in place. There was a dead horse laying nearby. Running closer to them, I finally could hear that the man was desperately pleading with her....
"Ok lady! It's a deer! It's a deer! Just let me get my saddle off it and I'll leave!"
https://redd.it/1l6djsl
@r_jokes
My neighbors banged on my door at 3:30 am last night.
Luckily, I was still up,playing my guitar. They shouted "how about a little respect?" I said, "honestly I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan, but okay. This one's for you!"
https://redd.it/1l6822x
@r_jokes
My patient asked, "Doctor, will i be alright?"
I said, Let's see, mercury is in uranus right now.
He said, I am not in this astrology stuff.
Me: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.
https://redd.it/1l5pjra
@r_jokes
A man and his wife were sitting in their living room one evening.
He said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on a machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, poured out all of his beer, and unplugged the TV.
https://redd.it/1l5jk10
@r_jokes
There's an old joke about the difference between American and Russian corruption.
An American legislator hosts a Russian legislator at his very nice, upscale home on a lake. The Russian is impressed and asks him how he affords this on a legislator's salary. The American points and says "See that $50 million bridge?" The Russian nods. "I got $55 million allocated to it, and through various means, I funneled $5 million of that to my own pocket in the process." The Russian looked very impressed.
Later, the American visits the Russian, and was amazed when he saw that the Russian had an entire mansion. He asks him how he afforded it. The Russian points and says, "See that $50 million bridge?"
"*No*" says the American.
"*Exactly*" says the Russian.
https://redd.it/1l5czwy
@r_jokes
A widower goes to a psychic to contact his late wife. “Honey,” he says. “Are you happy?”
“Yes, my husband,” she says.
Relieved, the man asks, “Are you happier than when you were with me?”
“Yes, my husband,” she replies, “I’m much, much happier.”
The husband smiles. “Heaven must be an amazing place.”
“I wouldn’t know,” she says. “I’m not in heaven.”
https://redd.it/1l584c7
@r_jokes
In Russia, two guys are queuing to buy potatoes
Two guys are queuing in front of a grocery store to buy some potatoes.
It's been hours, queue's moving at a snails pace. One of them snaps out, "that's it, I've had enough, I'm going to buy a gun and shoot Putin", and he leaves.
One hour later, he returns and takes back his place in the queue, silently.
"Well ?" asks the other guy.
"Nevermind, queue's even longer"
https://redd.it/1l4wenw
@r_jokes
A little heavy set boy is sitting on a bench eating chocolate bars.
A guy in his mid 30's walks up to him and says "Hey kid, you shouldn't eat so much chocolate, it's bad for your health, and it looks like you could already lose a few pounds.
The boy says "My grandpa lived to be 99 years old"
The man comes back with "Well I'm sure he didn't live that long from stuffing his face with chocolate bars!"
"No, he lived that long from minding his own fucking business"
https://redd.it/1l7zwgf
@r_jokes
A CNN reporter covering the Middle East heard a story about an elderly Jew
who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray twice a day, every day, for a number of years. So she went to the Wailing Wall and, after waiting around for an hour or so, she spotted him. When he had finished his prayers, she approached him for an interview.
“Sir,” she asked, “how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?”
“Forty years.”
“Tell me, what do you pray for?”
“For peace between Jews and Arabs; for all the hatred to stop; for all of our children to grow up as friends.”
“And how do you feel after doing this for forty years?”
“Like I’m talking to a wall!”
https://redd.it/1l7ryi8
@r_jokes
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar during a lightning storm.
As they drink, the first man says, "The FBI's been following me ever since I exposed their weather control program."
The second nods and says, "Me too, when I exposed their 5G mind control."
The third agrees, but just as he goes to raise his glass, he begins to slur his words. He cries out, "It's the 5G in here! I can feel it frying my neurons!"
This terrifies the first man, and he darts out into the rain toward his car only to be immediately zapped into human charcoal. The other two go back to sipping their drinks, unbothered.
The bartender stares at them and goes, "Jesus! Aren't you two traumatized?"
And they clink glasses, set two FBI badges on the bar and say, "Nope! Cheers to number six!"
https://redd.it/1l7hiqh
@r_jokes
Nun returns to the convent after a round of golf and speaks to her Mother Superior.
Nun: Mother Superior. I have to confess that today I took the name of our Lord Jesus Christ in vain.
Mother Superior: What happened my child?
Nun: I was on target to break 80 for the first time. I just needed a par on the 18th. I hit a lovely drive right down the middle but a gust of wind blew it into the rough.
Mother Superior: Oh no. Was that when you took the name of our Lord Jesus Christ in vain?
Nun: No Mother Superior. I was able to control my frustration. Then I hit a great 8 iron to the middle of the green but a squirrel grabbed my ball and dragged it into a bunker.
Mother Superior: What bad luck my child. Was that when you took the name of our Lord Jesus Christ in vain?
Nun: No Mother Superior. Again I controlled myself and was able to hit a brilliant bunker shot to within 18 inches of the hole.
Mother Superior: You missed the fucking putt didn’t you!
https://redd.it/1l7fv1g
@r_jokes
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
https://redd.it/1l78giv
@r_jokes
I was using a urinal when ...
a midget walked up and began using the urinal next to me. From the corner of my eye I thought I saw him look at me. I turned my head to find him looking up and winking at me. I looked forward, not knowing how to respond. This happened another two times.
Finally, I said, "Hey guy I'm flattered, but I'm not gay".
He replied, "Neither am I... You keep splashing me in the eye."
https://redd.it/1l70oqc
@r_jokes
An owner had a racehorse that had never won a race.
Finally the owner lost patience and warned the horse: “Either you win this afternoon or you’ll be pulling a milk wagon tomorrow morning.”
That afternoon, the horse was lined up with the others in the starting gate. As the stalls opened, the rest of the field raced away, but as the gate was removed, the owner saw his horse fast asleep on the track.
Angrily he ran over, kicked the horse and yelled: “Why are you sleeping?”
The horse wearily lifted its head and replied: “I have to get up at three in the morning.”
https://redd.it/1l6unzp
@r_jokes
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks, nice guy. He's a web designer.
https://redd.it/1l6isc4
@r_jokes
A guy goes into a bar where he meets a pair of beautiful conjoined twins who are joined at the side. They hit it off and proceed to booze the night away.
Closing time comes around and they decide to take the party back to his house. He gets in the door and the twins immediately drop and one starts blowing him while the other tounges his balls and asshole. They had a rest and more drinks and then make it onto the bed and while he's pumping away the other twin is fondling his sack. The third time they grease up the spot where they're connected and they let him fuck it while they make out.
Two weeks later the twins are walking and they pass by his house. The first twin says "We should go and say hello? We had a lot of fun there." The second twin says "I dunno, do you think he'll remember us?"
https://redd.it/1l6b6i2
@r_jokes
Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't talk about it.
"For I did not speak of my own Accord" --John 12:49 (NIV)
https://redd.it/1l5orxa
@r_jokes
One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently.
Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida. Clyde said his dad got drunk all the time. Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period. He said: "Hell if I know but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy nextdoor killed himself."
https://redd.it/1l5qsxj
@r_jokes
A man tells his doctor "Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How can she be pregnant?"
The doctor considered his question for a moment, and then began to tell a story:
“I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day, he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a large beaver sitting at the water’s edge. Since he only had his umbrella, he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature."
"Whimsically, he raised his umbrella, aimed it at the animal as if it were his hunting rifle, and said ‘bang, bang’. Miraculously, the beaver flinched twice as if it had just been shot, then fell over dead.”
"Now, what do you think of that ?” asked the doctor.
The man said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied, “Exactly! Next patient, please.”
https://redd.it/1l5gmi1
@r_jokes
A man wakes up hungover in an alley with his pants off, and notices two colored rings painted on this dick, one brown, one red
He freaks out and goes to see a doctor to find out what the rings are. The doctor examines them and says "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"
The man asks "What's the good news?"
Doctor "The red ring is lipstick. Just ordinary red lipstick."
Man "Oh that's great! But what's the bad news?"
Doctor "The bad news is the brown ring is tobacco chew spit..."
https://redd.it/1l56cyj
@r_jokes
Scientists took out the left half of a man’s brain
They asked him to count to 10 he goes “246 810“ so they put the left half back in and remove the right half. They ask him to count to 10 again he goes “37215. They put the right half back in and go ahead and remove both halves and ask him to count to 10 he goes “look I’m the best at counting and I have the best numbers no one has better numbers then me And my fourth grade math teacher and let me tell you she was the greatest math teacher at the time she said you have the best numbers ever so watch I’m going to count to 10“ on my phenomenal counter. I’m going to count them tremendously.
https://redd.it/1l55nxs
@r_jokes
Doctor’s advice for premature ejaculation didn’t go as planned
guy goes to the doctor and says:
“Doc, I’ve got a problem. I finish way too fast during sex. I can't enjoy it at all.”
The doctor nods and says,
“Okay… take this starter pistol.”
“A pistol?!”
“It's just a blank-firing gun. Every time you feel like you're about to finish, shoot it. The loud sound will startle you and delay the climax.”
“Worth a try,” the guy says and leaves.
The next day he comes back, limping and visibly upset.
The doctor asks, “So, how did it go?”
“Horrible!” he replies.
“Last night I was doing 69 with my girlfriend. Just when I was about to finish, I fired the gun.”
“And?”
“Well...
First, she shit herself from the shock.
Second, she bit me… hard.
And third… some dude jumped out of the closet with his hands in the air!”
https://redd.it/1l4v4lg
@r_jokes