1990
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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance."
"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: "No Jews please."
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers."
"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design."
"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate."
"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."
"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow inTrauma Surgery at Bethesda ."
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
https://redd.it/1fjxepc
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The day after his wife vanished in a kayaking accident, Long, a man from Anchorage, opened his door to find two serious-looking Alaska State Troopers standing before him.
"Mr. Wilkens, we regret to inform you that we have news regarding your wife," one trooper began.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens blurted out, anxiously.
The troopers exchanged glances. One spoke, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some fantastic news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Bracing himself, a pale Mr. Wilkens responded, "Give me the bad news."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we recovered your wife's body in Kachemak Bay this morning."
"Oh no!" gasped Wilkens.
After a moment, he gathered himself and asked, "So, what's the good news?"
The trooper explained, "Well, when we brought her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and six large Dungeness crabs attached to her. We're confident you’re entitled to a share of the catch."
Stunned, Wilkens asked, "If that's the good news, then what's the fantastic news?"
With a straight face, the trooper replied, "We're pulling her up again tomorrow."
https://redd.it/1fjzgmu
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Did you know that diarrhoea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans !
https://redd.it/1fjolpn
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The Neighbors girlfriend
I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbours girlfriend next door.
One day, when speaking to her boyfriend, he said: "I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy was asking me for an arm and a leg ..."
At that moment, I just had a brilliant idea.
"Don't sweat it, neighbor! I'm on vacation and painting is my favorite hobby! It would be a pleasure to do this task."
The guy accepted the offer and was really happy.
I don't want to brag about my conversation skills, but I barely started to paint the apartment and I already had that woman in bed with me.
But as bad luck would have it...We were just starting and I did not expect the boyfriend to forget his documents and for that very reason he had to return home at that specific moment.
The woman, listening to her boyfriend opening the door, runs to the bathroom, and the guy enters the room and finds me, naked, at the top of the ladder, giving a few strokes on the wall.
Screaming, he asked,
-"What the fuck is this? ... You started painting in my bedroom, and naked?"
-"Fuck you, I'm working for free, so I start wherever I want!"
-"But naked? ..."
-"You really wanted me to stain my new clothes with paint?"
-"And with a boner, you son of a bitch?"
-"And where am I going to hang the fucking bucket ?! ..."
https://redd.it/1fjeytx
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What does a stoner with arthritis say when he can’t pick up his weed?
“Agh, my joints!”
https://redd.it/1fjdi6k
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My friend claims that he scaled Mount Everest, but no one believes him.
I think… he made it up.
https://redd.it/1fiwzf0
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Today CEO of my company came in to the office in a brand new BMW. “Nice car”, I complimented him.
“Well”, he said, “if you put in enough time, effort, and dedication, and work as hard as you can then next year I’ll have even a better car.”
https://redd.it/1fixgb8
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Why are there no good Christian stand-up comedians?
After Jonestown, they all learned to be extremely wary of punch-lines.
https://redd.it/1fiq5u2
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My wife prepared a list of 33 items I needed to get from the market. She warned me not to forget a single thing.
I forgot the shopping list
https://redd.it/1figfcj
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Screaming Wife
Three friends decided to bet each other 100 pounds on who could make their wives scream more during sex. They all went home to have sex with their wives and make them scream. The next day the met up again. The first friend said, "I made love to my wife for two hours and she was screaming for at least one-and-a-half hours." The second friend countered, "That's nothing. I started licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and a half-hour after that." Then the third friend said, "That's pathetic. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times, I wiped my dick in the curtain, and she's still screaming..
https://redd.it/1fi9hha
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At the pearly gates
A minister died and was waiting
in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him was a guy
in sunglasses, a loud shirt,
leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter asked the guy,
“Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replied, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, New York City."
Saint Peter consulted his list, smiled and said, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter
the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver entered Heaven with his robe and staff, and it was the minister's turn.
He stood erect and boomed out,
“I am Joseph Snow, pastor of
Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consulted his list
and said, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Just a minute," said the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver
and he got a silk robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here we work by results,"
said Saint Peter. "While you preached people slept.
While he drove people prayed."
https://redd.it/1fi0tzu
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What's the difference between a brown-noser and an ass-kisser?
Depth perception.
https://redd.it/1fhprli
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Two male deer walk out of a gay club.
One turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks in there!"
https://redd.it/1fhgrjb
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I never understood why childbirth is called delivery.
It should have been called takeout instead.
https://redd.it/1fharmz
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Little Johnny asks his teacher if she would punish him for something he didn't do?
The teacher says “of course not”
Little Johnny says “ well i didn’t do my homework”
https://redd.it/1fh0r7g
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The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden...
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
https://redd.it/1fk39hm
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Tupperware files for bankruptcy, which is a surprise.
I thought their finances would have been airtight.
https://redd.it/1fjn560
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My niece calls me her ankle
I started calling her my knees
https://redd.it/1fjoi56
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If an all male flight crew sits in a cockpit, where does a female flight crew sit?
A cockpit as well, but I like how your mind works!
https://redd.it/1fjah1c
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A 17-year-old boy, who works part-time at Pizza Hut, pulls up to his house in a stunning Porsche.
His parents are immediately suspicious, knowing there's no way his after-school job could have paid for such an expensive car. "Where did you get that car?" they shout, astonished.
"I bought it today," the boy replies calmly.
"With what money?" his mom demands. "We know how much a Porsche costs, and there's no way you can afford it!"
The boy shrugs. "It’s used, and I got a great deal. I only paid $20 for it."
His parents are even more shocked. "Who would sell a Porsche for $20?!"
"The woman up the street," the boy explains. "She just moved in. I delivered a pizza to her, and she offered to sell me the Porsche for $20."
Baffled, his parents rush to the neighbor’s house, ready for an explanation. They find her calmly planting flowers in her yard. "I'm the father of the boy you sold a Porsche to for $20," the dad says. "We need to know why you sold it so cheap!"
The woman, without looking up, responds, "I got a call from my husband this morning. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it turns out he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't plan on coming back."
The boy's mom, still confused, asks, "But what does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?"
With a satisfied smile, the woman replies, "My husband told me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money—so I did."
https://redd.it/1fj6zae
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A guy hired a blind prostitute
He pulled down his pants and put his dick in her hands
She: "Sorry, I don't smoke!!"
https://redd.it/1fj4b5y
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The barman asks, “Why the non-linear story structure?”
Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.
https://redd.it/1filqyw
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A woman goes to her family doctor:
“My husband has terrible dandruff, what should we do?”
Doctor: “Give him Head & Shoulders.”
Wife: “Allright, but, what’s shoulders?”
https://redd.it/1fim89b
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Wine-making had been banned, and under strict surveillance, anyone caught making wine was executed.
When grape harvest season arrived, a Bektashi began filling large jars with grape juice. Informed of this, the sultan came to the Bektashi's place and angrily asked:
"Why are you filling these jars with grape juice?"
Caught off guard, the Bektashi nervously replied, "I'm filling them so they'll turn into vinegar."
The sultan, softening a bit, said, "You say vinegar, but what if it turns into wine?"
Seeing the sultan's softened demeanor, the Bektashi smiled and said, "Well, that's up to God!"
https://redd.it/1fid4x3
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A woman has her 100 birthday.
As usual, local newspaper sends a guy to interview her. What is your secret? How do you stay healthy?
Well, nothing special. If I get up with a stomach bug, I drink a glass of beer. High blood pressure? A glass of whiskey. Low blood pressure? A glass of red wine. No appetite? A glass of white wine. Cold, Flu? A shot of vodka.
The shocked correspondent understands whom is he talking to, so he decided to ask just one more question. So when do you drink water?
Water? Let's see... No, I've never been that sick!
https://redd.it/1fi3c81
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A guest at a couple's 70th anniversary says to the husband, "You're such a wonderful guy. You always call your wife - honey and sweetie."
The husband replies, "That's because I forgot her name twenty years ago."
https://redd.it/1fhygoy
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I went to the dentist for the first time in 5 years. The dentist asked me when I last flossed.
I told him “bro, you were there!”
https://redd.it/1fhrkdy
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How does the potion master please his girlfriend?
Elixir
https://redd.it/1fhf4yi
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I asked out my crush and she told on me to the principal
I got fired
https://redd.it/1fh9bg7
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Grandma does not know best
A nine-year-old boy came inside and asked,
"Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
Taken aback, she decided to be honest, "It's called sexual intercourse."
"Oh, okay,,” he said and he went back to play with his friends.
A few minutes later he returned, saying angrily, "Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds and Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you."
https://redd.it/1fh3jiq
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