1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A 60 year old man goes for his annual checkup
After receiving a clean bill of health be asks the doc. If he's going to live to be 100. Doc asks "do you smoke cigars?" "Nope" replies the man. Doc then asks " do you drink?" "Nope" Replies the man a second time. Doc then asks " do you drive fast cars and chase loose women? " no and no" says the man.
Doc replies " then why the fuck do you want to live to be 100?"
https://redd.it/1fh0o9k
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A 60 year old millionaire got married with a 20 year old model.
When his friends asked him how he did it, he said: "I lied about my age." They then asked: "Ah, so you said you were 40?" He answered: "No I said I was 90."
https://redd.it/1fgxra6
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Wife in a coma
A man's wife was in a coma and the doctors were not able to bring her out of it. The doctor is talking to the husband and says, "There might be one way to being her out of the coma. It's unusual, but it has worked in the past."
The husband, desperate to help his wife asks the doctor what it is. The doctor says, "Well, if you have oral sex with her it can cause her to awaken."
The husband is quite taken aback and says he just can't do that to her while she is unconscious, nevermind they are in a hospital. The doctor says he doesn't have any other suggestions at this time. So the guy decides he will try it. He goes into her hospital room and after a few minutes comes running back out, calling for the doctor. The doctor asks, "Did it work? How is she doing?"
The husband responds, "No, it didn't fucking work. She's choking!"
https://redd.it/1fgjk3j
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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.
The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man frowns and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass.
The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.
“Enough!” he turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy."
The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him, smiles and says, "Pepper."
https://redd.it/1fggbk8
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I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes, and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?" I responded,
"The gas, electric, and cable company."
https://redd.it/1fgeebu
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Armed robbers burst into a bank
Armed robbers burst into a bank, line up customers and staff against the wall, and begin to take their wallets, watches, and jewelry.
Two of the bank’s accountants are among those waiting to be robbed.
The first accountant suddenly thrusts something in the hand of the other.
The second accountant whispers, “What is this?” The first accountant whispers back, “It’s the fifty bucks I owe you.”
https://redd.it/1ffzmn9
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I told my wife, “I drew the entire Himalayan mountain range from memory.”
Her: Is it to scale?
Me: No…it’s to look at.
https://redd.it/1ffuoci
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Breaking news: Scientists have finally discovered how the ancient Egyptians built the Great Pyramid.
Turns out, the Pharaoh placed the first block himself, then got two guys to place the next two blocks, telling them they'd get a cut if they found four guys to place the next four blocks, who then found eight guys to place the next eight blocks, who found sixteen guys to place the next sixteen blocks...
https://redd.it/1ffp84d
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A bunch of scrap metal dealers are all killed together in a bus accident…
They end up at the pearly gates and are greeted by St. Peter.
Peter: What are you guys supposed to be?
A big dirty guy in the crowd: We’re scrap metal dealers!
Peter: How come there are so many of you?
Big guy: We were at a scrap metal convention and were killed on the same bus.
Peter: This is highly unusual. I better go check with the boss.
Peter leaves the group waiting and goes to see God on his throne.
Peter: Dear Lord, there are about 50 scrap metal dealers at the gates and they all want in.
God: Fifty? Oh no, that’s way too many. Go back and pick the 10 or 12 best of the bunch and send the others away.
So off St. Peter runs towards the gates, but a moment later he is standing back in front of God with a horrified look on his face.
Peter: They’re gone!
God: what do you mean gone? Where could they all go?
Peter: No, the pearly gates! They’re gone!
https://redd.it/1ff7fht
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My wife said she would leave me if didn’t stop making jokes about European cities.
I’m determined not Toulouse her.
https://redd.it/1ffbeny
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A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender points to a sign that says, "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks them to leave. They head out without a word.
The next day, a horse walks in. Same deal—bartender points to the sign, and with a long face, the horse leaves.
The following day, a chicken walks in. The bartender points to the sign again and says, "Sorry, no jokes served here."
The chicken, annoyed, asks, "Fine, but where can I get a drink?"
The bartender replies, "There's a bar across the road."
https://redd.it/1ff65cl
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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
https://redd.it/1fexvoa
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I like saying the word “Perineum.”
It just feels good on the tongue.
https://redd.it/1felj4m
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Why was 10 so traumatized?
It was in the middle of 9/11.
https://redd.it/1fegylg
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My friends were arguing for hours on who won the debate last night
I think i won because I didn’t watch it.
https://redd.it/1fea4k1
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How did David Navarro know he was about to get shoved?
He saw it coming out of his Perry-Farrell vision.
https://redd.it/1fgrp8b
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Snoopy’s official resignation letter was leaked out into the public. It simply stated:
“I’m tired of working for Peanuts.”
https://redd.it/1fgmp0i
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I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
https://redd.it/1fgk8k5
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So you don't like my joke about ghosts having sex with owls?
Well boo-fucking-hoo
https://redd.it/1fgbi3w
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A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of 21-year-old whiskey.
He takes a sip, then immediately spits it out.
“I asked for a 21-year-old whiskey! This is only 18 years. I’m not paying for this! Bring me a 12-year-old cognac instead.”
The bartender complies, but again,
the man spits it out.
“This is only 10 years old! I’m not paying for that either!”
Frustrated after several rounds of the same routine, the bartender pours another drink and says,
"This one’s on the house."
The man takes a sip, spits it out once more.
"This tastes like piss!"
The bartender sighs and replies,
"Alright, genius, now guess how old I am?"
https://redd.it/1fg95yz
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A young couple is watching a movie in a movie theater.
She: "I think the guy next to me is jerking off.""
He: "Why would you think that?"
She: "He's using my hand."
https://redd.it/1fftgtl
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Why don't fat people like being told the truth about their weight?
They prefer things sugar-coated
https://redd.it/1ffotr3
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There once was a man from Cork...
There once was a man
from Cork, who got limericks
and haiku confused
https://redd.it/1ffff0t
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An Amazon driver stopped and asked me what time it was today.
I told him it was between 9am and 3pm.
https://redd.it/1ffexyw
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Hooker and the taxi driver
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge £50 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £55…”
https://redd.it/1ff3vof
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An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's just someone having the holes bored in their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what's happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."
"'You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but hey! I've already got the holes for that!"
https://redd.it/1fexhl5
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Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 83.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
https://redd.it/1feuvix
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Me: "Remember when I rubbed you out?"
Genie: "Don't say it like that..."
https://redd.it/1feo5z8
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I told my date I didn’t like her talking about her late boyfriend
She told me she’d stop whenever I start showing up on time.
https://redd.it/1fegbyi
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What's black and white and red all over?
A nun caught watching p0rn.
https://redd.it/1fe5wry
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