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Кто хочет знать английский как англичанин, тот читает тут рассказы на настоящем королевском английском языке. В оригинале . Реклама @neznayca или по ссылке telega.in/c/one_story
ATTENTION
The supervisor of a school was trying to prove that children are lacking in observation.
To the children he said, "Now, children, tell me a number to put on the board."
Some child said, "Thirty-six." The supervisor wrote sixty-three.
He asked for another number, and seventy-six was given. He wrote sixty-seven.
When a third number was asked, a child who apparently had paid no attention called out:
"Theventy-theven. Change that you thucker!"
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Mark Twain at a dinner at the Authors' Club said: "Speaking of fresh eggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. In my early lecturing days I went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, arriving in the afternoon. The town seemed very poorly billed. I thought I'd find out if the people knew anything at all about what was in store for them.
So I turned in at the general store. 'Good afternoon, friend,' I said to the general storekeeper. 'Any entertainment here tonight to help a stranger while away his evening?' The general storekeeper, who was sorting mackerels, straightened up, wiped his briny hands on his apron, and said: 'I expect there's goin' to be a lecture. I've been sellin' eggs all day."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
The amateur artist was painting sunset, red with blue streaks and green dots.
The old rustic, at a respectful distance, was watching.
"Ah," said the artist looking up suddenly, "perhaps to you, too, Nature has opened her sky picture page by page! Have you seen the lambent flame of dawn leaping across the livid east; the red-stained, sulphurous islets floating in the lake of fire in the west; the ragged clouds at midnight, black as a raven's wing, blotting out the shuddering moon?"
"No," replied the rustic, "not since I give up drink."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
ARMIES
A new volunteer at a national guard encampment who had not quite learned his business, was on sentry duty, one night, when a friend brought a pie from the canteen.
As he sat on the grass eating pie, the major sauntered up in undress uniform. The sentry, not recognizing him, did not salute, and the major stopped and said:
"What's that you have there?"
"Pie," said the sentry, good-naturedly. "Apple pie. Have a bite?"
The major frowned.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," said the sentry, "unless you're the major's groom."
The major shook his head.
"Guess again," he growled.
"The barber from the village?"
"No."
"Maybe"—here the sentry laughed—"maybe you're the major himself?"
"That's right. I am the major," was the stern reply.
The sentry scrambled to his feet.
"Good gracious!" he exclaimed. "Hold the pie, will you, while I present arms!"
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
APPLAUSE
A certain theatrical troupe, after a dreary and unsuccessful tour, finally arrived in a small New Jersey town. That night, though there was no furore or general uprising of the audience, there was enough hand-clapping to arouse the troupe's dejected spirits. The leading man stepped to the foot-lights after the first act and bowed profoundly. Still the clapping continued.
When he went behind the scenes he saw an Irish stagehand laughing heartily. "Well, what do you think of that?" asked the actor, throwing out his chest.
"What d'ye mane?" replied the Irishman.
"Why, the hand-clapping out there," was the reply.
"Hand-clapping?"
"Yes," said the Thespian, "they are giving me enough applause to show they appreciate me."
"D'ye call thot applause?" inquired the old fellow. "Whoi, thot's not applause. Thot's the audience killin' mosquitoes."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
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AMBITION
Oliver Herford sat next to a soulful poetess at dinner one night, and that dreamy one turned her sad eyes upon him. "Have you no other ambition, Mr. Herford," she demanded, "than to force people to degrade themselves by laughter?"
Yes, Herford had an ambition. A whale of an ambition. Some day he hoped to gratify it.
The woman rested her elbows on the table and propped her face in her long, sad hands, and glowed into Mr. Herford's eyes. "Oh, Mr. Herford," she said, "Oliver! Tell me about it."
"I want to throw an egg into an electric fan," said Herford, simply.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
There was once a remarkably kind boy who was a great angler. There was a trout stream in his neighborhood that ran through a rich man's estate. Permits to fish the stream could now and then be obtained, and the boy was lucky enough to have a permit.
One day he was fishing with another boy when a gamekeeper suddenly darted forth from a thicket. The lad with the permit uttered a cry of fright, dropped his rod, and ran off at top speed. The gamekeeper pursued.
For about half a mile the gamekeeper was led a swift and difficult chase. Then, worn out, the boy halted. The man seized him by the arm and said between pants:
"Have you a permit to fish on this estate?
"Yes to be sure," said the boy, quietly.
"You have? Then show it to me."
The boy drew the permit from his pocket. The man examined it and frowned in perplexity and anger.
"Why did you run when you had this permit?" he asked.
"To let the other boy get away," was the reply. "He didn't have none!"
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Laksti — это блог Константина Лакстигаля, художника, студента академии живописи в Милане.
На своём канале он рассказывает о своём творчестве и о путешествиях по Италии и Европе.
Загляните: /channel/laksti_art
As every southerner knows, elderly colored people rarely know how old they are, and almost invariably assume an age much greater than belongs to them. In an Atlanta family there is employed an old chap named Joshua Bolton, who has been with that family and the previous generation for more years than they can remember. In view, therefore, of his advanced age, it was with surprise that his employer received one day an application for a few days off, in order that the old fellow might, as he put it, "go up to de ole State of Virginny" to see his aunt.
"Your aunt must be pretty old," was the employer's comment.
"Yassir," said Joshua. "She's pretty ole now. I reckon she's 'bout a hundred an' ten years ole."
"One hundred and ten! But what on earth is she doing up in Virginia?"
"I don't jest know," explained Joshua, "but I understand she's up dere livin' wif her grandmother."
@one_story
Mark Twain and Chauncey M. Depew once went abroad on the same ship. When the ship was a few days out they were both invited to a dinner. Speech-making time came. Mark Twain had the first chance. He spoke twenty minutes and made a great hit. Then it was Mr. Depew's turn.
"Mr. Toastmaster and Ladies and Gentlemen," said the famous raconteur as he arose, "Before this dinner Mark Twain and myself made an agreement to trade speeches. He has just delivered my speech, and I thank you for the pleasant manner in which you received it. I regret to say that I have lost the notes of his speech and cannot remember anything he was to say."
Then he sat down. There was much laughter. Next day an Englishman who had been in the party came across Mark Twain in the smoking-room. "Mr Clemens," he said, "I consider you were much imposed upon last night. I have always heard that Mr. Depew is a clever man, but, really, that speech of his you made last night struck me as being the most infernal rot."
@one_story
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The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to the repairer's. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to a woman beside him, for he was in the habit of carrying one. The woman cried "Stop thief!" rescued her umbrella and covered the man with shame and confusion.
That same day, he stopped at the repairer's, and received all eight of his umbrellas duly restored. As he entered a street car, with the unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold glaring at him the lady of his morning adventure. Her voice came to him charged with a withering scorn:
"Huh! Had a good day, didn't you!"
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THE GRIFFIN AND THE MINOR CANAAN By Frank R. Stockton (1834-1902)
This is the story of an old church in a faraway country, over the large door of which a large griffin is carved.
The author of this text is Frank R. Stockton (1834-1902). He was an American writer and humorist best known for his short stories and novels. Among his famous works is "Lady or Tiger?" , "The Griffin and the Lesser Canon" and "The Bee from Orn".
Read 24 mins
Секретные аудиокниги, которые вам не дадут спать! Узнайте, почему эти аудиокниги стали мировым феноменом.
Слушайте и погружайтесь в увлекательные истории, которые заставят ваше сердце биться быстрее.
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Какие секреты хранили писатели?
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💥 Будьте готовы узнать о скандалах в жизни писателей, о тайных любовных историях, которые вдохновили на произведения💔
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📖Библик | Литература
The friend had dropped in to see D'Auber, the great animal painter, put the finishing touches on his latest painting. He was mystified, however, when D'Auber took some raw meat and rubbed it vigorously over the painted rabbit in the foreground.
"Why on earth did you do that?" he asked.
"Why you see," explained D'Auber, "Mrs Millions is coming to see this picture today. When she sees her pet poodle smell that rabbit, and get excited over it, she'll buy it on the spot."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
ARITHMETIC
"Two old salts who had spent most of their lives on fishing smacks had an argument one day as to which was the better mathematician," said George C. Wiedenmayer the other day. "Finally the captain of their ship proposed the following problem which each would try to work out: 'If a fishing crew caught 500 pounds of cod and brought their catch to port and sold it at 6 cents a pound, how much would they receive for the fish?'
"Well, the two old fellows got to work, but neither seemed able to master the intricacies of the deal in fish, and they were unable to get any answer.
"At last old Bill turned to the captain and asked him to repeat the problem. The captain started off: 'If a fishing crew caught 500 pounds of cod and—.'
"'Wait a moment,' said Bill, 'is it codfish they caught?'
"'Yep,' said the captain.
"'Darn it all,' said Bill. 'No wonder I couldn't get an answer. Here I've been figuring on salmon all the time.'"
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
ANCESTRY
A western buyer is inordinately proud of the fact that one of his ancestors affixed his name to the Declaration of Independence. At the time the salesman called, the buyer was signing a number of checks and affixed his signature with many a curve and flourish. The salesman's patience becoming exhausted in waiting for the buyer to recognize him, he finally observed:
"You have a fine signature, Mr. So-and-So."
"Yes," admitted the buyer, "I should have. One of my forefathers signed the Declaration of Independence."
"So?" said the caller, with rising inflection. And then he added:
"Vell, you aind't got nottings on me. One of my forefathers signed the Ten Commandments."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
They thought more of the Legion of Honor in the time of the first Napoleon than they do now. The emperor one day met an old one-armed veteran.
"How did you lose your arm?" he asked.
"Sire, at Austerlitz."
"And were you not decorated?"
"No, sire."
"Then here is my own cross for you; I make you chevalier."
"Your Majesty names me chevalier because I have lost one arm. What would your Majesty have done had I lost both arms?"
"Oh, in that case I should have made you Officer of the Legion."
Whereupon the old soldier immediately drew his sword and cut off his other arm.
There is no particular reason to doubt this story. The only question is, how did he do it?
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
AMERICANS
Eugene Field was at a dinner in London when the conversation turned to the subject of lynching in the United States.
It was the general opinion that a large percentage of Americans met death at the end of a rope. Finally the hostess turned to Field and asked:
"You, sir, must have often seen these affairs?"
"Yes," replied Field, "hundreds of them."
"Oh, do tell us about a lynching you have seen yourself," broke in half a dozen voices at once.
"Well, the night before I sailed for England," said Field, "I was giving a dinner at a hotel to a party of intimate friends when a colored waiter spilled a plate of soup over the gown of a lady at an adjoining table. The gown was utterly ruined, and the gentlemen of her party at once seized the waiter, tied a rope around his neck, and at a signal from the injured lady swung him into the air."
"Horrible!" said the hostess with a shudder. "And did you actually see this yourself?"
"Well, no," admitted Field apologetically. "Just at that moment I happened to be downstairs killing the chef for putting mustard in the blanc mange."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
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Ищете модные и необычные заведения? Или уютную кофейню, где можно поработать в ноутбуке? Хотите устроить шумную ночь или пройтись по выставкам?
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The clergyman, absorbed in thinking out a sermon, rounded a turn in the path and bumped into a cow. He swept off his hat with a flourish, exclaiming:
"I beg your pardon, madam."
Then he observed his error, and was greatly chagrined. Soon, however, again engaged with thoughts of the sermon, he collided with a lady at another bend of the path.
"Get out of the way, you brute!" he said.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
ALIBI
A party of Manila army women were returning in an auto from a suburban excursion when the driver unfortunately collided with another vehicle. While a policeman was taking down the names of those concerned an "English-speaking" Filipino law-student politely asked one of the ladies how the accident had happened.
"I'm sure I don't know," she replied; "I was asleep when it occurred."
Proud of his knowledge of the Anglo-Saxon tongue, the youth replied:
"Ah, madam, then you will be able to prove a lullaby."
@one_story
Это — выжимки бессонниц,
Это — свеч кривых нагар,
Это — сотен белых звонниц
Первый утренний удар…
Это — тёплый подоконник
Под черниговской луной,
Это — пчелы, это — донник,
Это — пыль, и мрак, и зной.
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ADVERTISING
Not long ago a patron of a café in Chicago summoned his waiter and delivered himself as follows:
"I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece of beef. See its size. Last evening I was served with a portion more than twice the size of this."
"Where did you sit?" asked the waiter.
"What has that to do with it? I believe I sat by the window."
"In that case," smiled the waiter, "the explanation is simple. We always serve customers by the window large portions. It's a good advertisement for the place."
📘 Отправь репост другу и подпишись на Сеть Культурных Каналов: t.me/addlist/c7ngCUTkDLw0ODZi — есть что почитать, посмотреть и послушать
The editor of the local paper was unable to secure advertising from one of the business men of the town, who asserted stoutly that he himself never read ads., and didn't believe anyone else did.
"Will you advertise if I can convince you that folks read the ads.?" the editor asked.
"If you can show me!" was the sarcastic answer. "But you can't."
In the next issue of the paper, the editor ran a line of small type in an obscure corner. It read:
"What is Jenkins going to do about it?"
The business man, Jenkins, hastened to seek out the editor next day. He admitted that he was being pestered out of his wits by the curious. He agreed to stand by the editor's explanation in the forthcoming issue, and this was:
"Jenkins is going to advertise, of course."
Having once advertised, Jenkins advertises still.
📘 Отправь репост другу и подпишись на Сеть Культурных Каналов: t.me/addlist/c7ngCUTkDLw0ODZi — есть что почитать, посмотреть и послушать
Annie Lennox - Sweet Dreams
https://youtu.be/qeMFqkcPYcg
Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something
Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused
Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something
Hold your head up, keep your head up movin' on
Hold your head up movin' on, keep your head up movin' on
Hold your head up movin' on, keep your head up movin' on
Hold your head up movin' on, keep your head up
Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused
Hold your head up, keep your head up movin' on
Hold your head up movin' on, keep your head up movin' on
Hold your head up movin' on, keep your head up movin' on
Hold your head up movin' on, keep your head up
Sweet dreams are made of this
Sweet dreams are made of this
Sweet dreams are made of this
...
Перевод:
Сладкие мечты сделаны из этого
Кто я не согласен?
Я путешествовал по миру и семь морей
каждый что-то ищет
Некоторые из них хотят использовать вас
Некоторые из них хотят привыкнуть Вами
Некоторые из них хотят оскорбить вас
Некоторые из них хотят быть оскорбленными
Сладкие мечты сделаны из этого
Кто я не согласен?
Я путешествовать по миру и семь морей
каждый что-то ищет
Держите голову вверх, держать голову Movin 'на
Держите голову вверх Movin 'на, держать голову Movin' на
Держите голову вверх Movin 'на, держать голову Movin' на
Держите голову вверх Movin 'на, держать голову
Некоторые из них хотят использовать вас
Некоторые из них хотят привыкнуть Вами
Некоторые из них хотят оскорбить вас
Некоторые из них хотят быть оскорбленными
Держите голову вверх, держать голову Movin 'на
Держите голову вверх Movin 'на, держать голову Movin' на
Держите голову вверх Movin 'на, держать голову Movin' на
Держите голову вверх Movin 'на, держать голову
Сладкие мечты сделаны из этого
Сладкие мечты сделаны из этого
Сладкие мечты сделаны из этого
...
THE FATHER By Björnstjerne Björnson
This is a short story written by the Norwegian writer and Nobel laureate Bjornstern Bjornson in 1860. The story follows Thord Overaas, a wealthy and powerful peasant who is proud of his only son, Finn. This is a story about the complex relationship between parents and children.
Read 5 mins
