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Кто хочет знать английский как англичанин, тот читает тут рассказы на настоящем королевском английском языке. В оригинале . Реклама @neznayca или по ссылке telega.in/c/one_story
ELECTIONS
In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries and Germans. In a recent election a local option question was up.
After the election some Germans were counting the votes. One German was calling off and another taking down the option votes. The first German, running rapidly through the ballots, said: "Vet, vet, vet, vet,..." Suddenly he stopped. "Mein Gott!" he cried: "Dry!"
Then he went on—"Vet, vet, vet, vet,..."
Presently he stopped again and mopped his brow. "Himmel!" he said. "Der son of a gun repeated!"
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
🐱 А мы тут пейзажи показываем
/channel/art_gallery
John D. Rockefeller tells this story on himself:
"Golfing one bright winter day I had for caddie a boy who didn't know me.
"An unfortunate stroke landed me in clump of high grass.
"'My, my,' I said, 'what am I to do now?'
"'See that there tree?' said the boy, pointing to a tall tree a mile away. 'Well, drive straight for that.'
"I lofted vigorously, and, fortunately, my ball soared up into the air; it landed, and it rolled right on to the putting green.
"'How's that, my boy?' I cried.
"The caddie stared at me with envious eyes.
"'Gee, boss,' he said, 'if I had your strength and you had my brains what a pair we'd make!'"
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
EGOTISM
In the Chicago schools a boy refused to sew, thinking it below the dignity of a man of ten years.
"Why," said the teacher, "George Washington did his own sewing in the wars, and do you think you are better than George Washington?"
"I don't know," replied the boy seriously. "Only time can tell that."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
EFFICIENCY
An American motorist went to Germany in his car to the army maneuvers. He was especially impressed with the German motor ambulances. As the tourist watched the maneuvers from a seat under a tree, the axle of one of the motor ambulances broke. Instantly the man leaped out, ran into the village, returned in a jiffy with a new axle, fixed it in place with wonderful skill, and teuffed-teuffed off again almost as good as new.
"There's efficiency for you," said the American admirably. "There's German efficiency for you. No matter what breaks, there's always a stock at hand from which to supply the needed part."
And praising the remarkable instance of German efficiency he had just witnessed, the tourist returned to the village and ordered up his car. But he couldn't use it. The axle was missing.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
A catalog of farming implements sent out by the manufacturer finally found its way to a distant mountain village where it was evidently welcomed with interest. The firm received a carefully written, if somewhat clumsily expressed letter from a southern "cracker" asking further particulars about one of the listed articles.
To this, in the usual course of business, was sent a type-written answer. Almost by return mail came a reply:
"You fellows need not think you are so all-fired smart, and you need not print your letters to me. I can read writing."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
The city editor of a great New York daily was known in the newspaper world as a martinet and severe disciplinarian. Some of his caustic and biting criticisms are classics. Once, however, the tables were turned upon him in a way that left him speechless for days.
A reporter on the paper wrote an article that the city editor did not approve of. The morning of publication this reporter drifted into the office and encountered his chief, who was in a white heat of anger. Carefully suppressing the explosion, however, the boss started in with ominous and icy words:
"Mr. Blank, I am not going to criticize you for what you have written. On the other hand, I am profoundly sorry for you. I have watched your work recently, and it is my opinion, reached after calm and dispassionate observation, that you are mentally unbalanced. You are insane. Your mind is a wreck. Your friends should take you in hand. The very kindest suggestion I can make is that you visit an alienist and place yourself under treatment. So far you have shown no sign of violence, but what the future holds for you no one can tell. I say this in all kindness and frankness. You are discharged."
The reporter walked out of the office and wandered up to Bellevue Hospital. He visited the insane pavilion, and told the resident surgeon that there was a suspicion that he was not all right mentally and asked to be examined. The doctor put him through the regular routine and then said,
"Right as a top."
"Sure?" asked the reporter. "Will you give me a certificate to that effect?" The doctor said he would and did. Clutching the certificate tightly in his hand the reporter entered the office an hour later, walked up to the city editor, handed it to him silently, and then blurted out,
"Now you go get one."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Economy is a way of spending money without getting any fun out of it.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
ECONOMY
An economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down some other person's expenses.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
DYSPEPSIA
"Ah," she sighed "for many years I've suffered from dyspepsia."
"And don't you take anything for it?" her friend asked. "You look healthy enough."
"Oh," she replied, "I haven't indigestion: my husband has."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
On a pleasant Sunday afternoon an old German and his youngest son were seated in the village inn. The father had partaken liberally of the home-brewed beer, and was warning his son against the evils of intemperance. "Never drink too much, my son. A gentleman stops when he has enough. To be drunk is a disgrace."
"Yes, Father, but how can I tell when I have enough or am drunk?"
The old man pointed with his finger. "Do you see those two men sitting in the corner? If you see four men there, you would be drunk."
The boy looked long and earnestly. "Yes, Father, but—but—there is only one man in that corner."—W. Karl Hilbrich.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
A noisy bunch tacked out of their club late one night, and up the street. They stopped in front of an imposing residence. After considerable discussion one of them advanced and pounded on the door. A woman stuck her head out of a second-story window and demanded, none too sweetly: "What do you want?"
"Ish thish the residence of Mr. Smith?" inquired the man on the steps, with an elaborate bow.
"It is. What do you want?"
"Ish it possible I have the honor of speakin' to Misshus Smith?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"Dear Misshus Smith! Good Misshus Smith! Will you—hic—come down an' pick out Mr. Smith? The resh of us want to go home."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
⚡️ Известные личности теперь в Telegram!
😄 Карл Густав Юнг — мысли одного из самых цитируемых психологов.
🫠 Фаина Раневская — самая цитируемая актриса. Истории из жизни, иронические и саркастические мысли на все случаи жизни.
🥲 Фридрих Ницше — мысли самого цитируемого философа.
😂 Эрих Мария Ремарк — цитаты из произведений и писем великого писателя.
🥰 Артур Шопенгауэр — мысли одного из самых цитируемых философов.
🙂 Андрей Тарковский — канал о жизни и творчестве великого режиссёра.
Присоединяйтесь!
A pompous little man with gold-rimmed spectacles and a thoughtful brow boarded a New York elevated train and took the only unoccupied seat. The man next him had evidently been drinking. For a while the little man contented himself with merely sniffing contemptuously at his neighbor, but finally he summoned the guard.
"Conductor," he demanded indignantly, "do you permit drunken people to ride upon this train?"
"No, sir," replied the guard in a confidential whisper. "But don't say a word and stay where you are, sir. If ye hadn't told me I'd never have noticed ye."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
A Scotch minister and his servant, who were coming home from a wedding, began to consider the state into which their potations at the wedding feast had left them.
"Sandy," said the minister, "just stop a minute here till I go ahead. Maybe I don't walk very steady and the good wife might remark something not just right."
He walked ahead of the servant for a short distance and then asked:
"How is it? Am I walking straight?"
"Oh, ay," answered Sandy thickly, "ye're a' recht—but who's that who's with ye."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Focus ____ your goals
(Фокусируйся на своих целях)
The late Marshall Field had a very small office-boy who came to the great merchant one day with a request for an increase in wages.
"Huh!" said Mr. Field, looking at him as if through a magnifying-glass. "Want a raise, do you? How much are you getting?"
"Three dollars a week," chirped the little chap.
"Three dollars a week!" exclaimed his employer. "Why, when I was your age I only got two dollars."
"Oh, well, that's different," piped the youngster. "I guess you weren't worth any more."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
📹 Федерико Феллини, Ингмар Бергман, Джим Джармуш, Стэнли Кубрик.
Работами культовых режиссеров теперь можно наслаждаться в одном месте.
На канале "Art Cinema" публикуют авторское кино разных эпох, от европейского артхауса 20-х до андеграунда последних лет.
Подписывайтесь, чтобы не тратить время на посредственное кино:
t.me/Art_Cinema
A curious little man sat next an elderly, prosperous looking man in a smoking car.
"How many people work in your office?" he asked.
"Oh," responded the elderly man, getting up and throwing away his cigar, "I should say, at a rough guess, about two-thirds of them."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Любителей литературы, музыки, искусства приглашаем в культурно-просветительский канал "Марципановый чай", где вы найдете информацию о творческих встречах, лекциях, вечерах и концертах на различных площадках Москвы, а также читательском клубе в стенах РГБ.
Знакомьтесь с литераторами, музыкантами и художниками, переходите по ссылке /channel/+_kn2ZPpseYIwZTgy
EDUCATION
Along in the sixties Pat Casey pushed a wheelbarrow across the plains from St. Joseph, Mo., to Georgetown, Colo., and shortly after that he "struck it rich"; in fact, he was credited with having more wealth than any one else in Colorado. A man of great shrewdness and ability, he was exceedingly sensitive over his inability to read or write. One day an old-timer met him with:
"How are you getting along, Pat?"
"Go 'way from me now," said Pat genially, "me head's bustin' wid business. It takes two lid-pincils a day to do me wurruk."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Recipe for an editor
Take a personal hatred of authors,
Mix this with a fiendish delight
In refusing all efforts of genius
And maiming all poets on sight.
—Life.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Economy is going without something you do want in case you should, some day, want something which you probably won't want.—Anthony Hope.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
ECHOES
An American and a Scotsman were walking one day near the foot of one of the Scotch mountains. The Scotsman, wishing to impress the visitor, produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the echo returned clearly after nearly four minutes, the proud Scotsman, turning to the Yankee exclaimed:
"There, mon, ye canna show anything like that in your country."
"Oh, I don't know," said the American, "I guess we can better that. Why in my camp in the Rockies, when I go to bed I just lean out of my window and call out, 'Time to get up: wake up!' and eight hours afterward the echo comes back and wakes me."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
William R. Hearst, who never touches liquor, had several men in important positions on his newspapers who were not strangers to intoxicants. Mr. Hearst has a habit of appearing at his office at unexpected times and summoning his chiefs of departments for instructions. One afternoon he sent for Mr. Blank.
"He hasn't come down yet, sir," reported the office boy.
"Please tell Mr. Dash I want to see him."
"He hasn't come down yet either."
"Well, find Mr. Star or Mr. Sun or Mr. Moon—anybody; I want to see one of them at once."
"Ain't none of 'em here yet, sir. You see there was a celebration last night and—"
Mr. Hearst sank back in his chair and remarked in his quiet way:
"For a man who don't drink I think I suffer more from the effects of it than anybody in the world."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
That clever and brilliant genius, McDougall, who represented California in the United States Senate, was like many others of his class somewhat addicted to fiery stimulants, and unable to battle long with them without showing the effect of the struggle. Even in his most exhausted condition he was, however, brilliant at repartee; but one night, at a supper of journalists given to the late George D. Prentice, a genius of the same mold and the same unfortunate habit, he found a foeman worthy of his steel in General John Cochrane. McDougall had taken offense at some anti-slavery sentiments which had been uttered—it was in war times—and late in the evening got on his legs for the tenth time to make a reply. The spirit did not move him to utterance, however; on the contrary, it quite deprived him of the power of speech; and after an ineffectual attempt at speech he suddenly concluded:
"Those are my sentiments, sir, and my name's McDougall."
"I beg the gentleman's pardon," said General Cochrane, springing to his feet; "but what was that last remark?"
McDougall pronounced it again; "my name's McDougall."
"There must be some error," said Cochrane, gravely. "I have known Mr. McDougall many years, and there never was a time when as late as twelve o'clock at night he knew what his name was."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
A pompous little man with gold-rimmed spectacles and a thoughtful brow boarded a New York elevated train and took the only unoccupied seat. The man next him had evidently been drinking. For a while the little man contented himself with merely sniffing contemptuously at his neighbor, but finally he summoned the guard.
"Conductor," he demanded indignantly, "do you permit drunken people to ride upon this train?"
"No, sir," replied the guard in a confidential whisper. "But don't say a word and stay where you are, sir. If ye hadn't told me I'd never have noticed ye."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
A man in a very deep state of intoxication was shouting and kicking most vigorously at a lamp post, when the noise attracted a near-by policeman.
"What's the matter?" he asked the energetic one.
"Oh, never mind, mishter. Thash all right," was the reply; "I know she'sh home all right—I shee a light upshtairs."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
A man in a very deep state of intoxication was shouting and kicking most vigorously at a lamp post, when the noise attracted a near-by policeman.
"What's the matter?" he asked the energetic one.
"Oh, never mind, mishter. Thash all right," was the reply; "I know she'sh home all right—I shee a light upshtairs."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
MAGISTRATE—"And what was the prisoner doing?"
CONSTABLE—"E were 'avin' a very 'eated argument with a cab driver, yer worship."
MAGISTRATE—"But that doesn't prove he was drunk."
CONSTABLE—"Ah, but there worn't no cab driver there, yer worship."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы