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Кто хочет знать английский как англичанин, тот читает тут рассказы на настоящем королевском английском языке. В оригинале . Реклама @neznayca или по ссылке telega.in/c/one_story
GAS STOVES
A Georgia woman who moved to Philadelphia found she could not be contented without the colored mammy who had been her servant for many years. She sent for old mammy, and the servant arrived in due season. It so happened that the Georgia woman had to leave town the very day mammy arrived. Before departing she had just time to explain to mammy the modern conveniences with which her apartment was furnished. The gas stove was the contrivance which interested the colored woman most. After the mistress of the household had lighted the oven, the broiler, and the other burners and felt certain the old servant understood its operations, the mistress hurried for her train.
She was absent for two weeks and one of her first questions to mammy was how she had worried along.
"De fines' ever," was the reply. "And dat air gas stove—O my! Why do you know, Miss Flo'ence, dat fire aint gone out yit."
GARDENING
Th' only time some fellers ever dig in th' gardens is just before they go a fishin'.—Abe Martin.
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When P.T. Barnum was at the head of his "great moral show," it was his rule to send complimentary tickets to clergymen, and the custom is continued to this day. Not long ago, after the Reverend Doctor Walker succeeded to the pastorate of the Reverend Doctor Hawks, in Hartford, there came to the parsonage, addressed to Doctor Hawks, tickets for the circus, with the compliments of the famous showman. Doctor Walker studied the tickets for a moment, and then remarked:
"Doctor Hawks is dead and Mr. Barnum is dead; evidently they haven't met."
On a voyage across the ocean an Irishman died and was about to be buried at sea. His friend Mike was the chief mourner at the burial service, at the conclusion of which those in charge wrapped the body in canvas preparatory to dropping it overboard. It is customary to place heavy shot with a body to insure its immediate sinking, but in this instance, nothing else being available, a large lump of coal was substituted. Mike's cup of sorrow overflowed his eyes, and he tearfully exclaimed,
"Oh, Pat, I knew you'd never get to heaven, but, begorry, I didn't think you'd have to furnish your own fuel."
FATHER (impressively)—"Suppose I should be taken away suddenly, what would become of you, my boy?"
IRREVERENT SON—"I'd stay here. The question is, What would become of you?"
FURNITURE
GUEST—"That's a beautiful rug. May I ask how much it cost you?"
HOST—"Five hundred dollars. A hundred and fifty for it and the rest for furniture to match."
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They say, and I am glad they say,
It is so; and it may be so;
It may be just the other way,
I cannot tell, but this I know—
From quiet homes and first beginnings
Out to the undiscovered ends
There's nothing worth the wear of winning
Save laughter and the love of friends.
—Hilaire Belloc.
The conductor of a western freight train saw a tramp stealing a ride on one of the forward cars. He told the brakeman in the caboose to go up and put the man off at the next stop. When the brakeman approached the tramp, the latter waved a big revolver and told him to keep away.
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"I let my house furnished, and they've had measles there. Of course we've had the place disinfected; so I suppose it's quite safe. What do you think?"
"I fancy it would be all right, dear; but I think, perhaps, it would be safer to lend it to a friend first."—Punch.
Here's to the four hinges of Friendship—
Swearing, Lying, Stealing and Drinking.
When you swear, swear by your country;
When you lie, lie for a pretty woman,
When you steal, steal away from bad company
And when you drink, drink with me.
Что здесь вообще происходит?!
Перед нами разворачивается гибель целой цивилизации, господа. И сложно сопоставить такую драму с именем одного из культовых театральных декораторов, модельера с мировым именем, задававшем тренды всем it girl Парижа рубежа веков.
Да, да. Лев Бакст - автор этой вещи. Эта работа - результат поездки художника в Грецию и активного увлечения античной культурой.
Сейчас мы разберемся, что здесь творится вместе с профессиональным искусствоведом, автором канала «Беллини и Бернини», автором книги «Главные шедевры мировой архитектуры» Дианой Трошиной.
Без занудных академических опусов, с юмором и «по делу» о действительно важных вещах.
Итак, это одна из самых знаменитых живописных работ Бакста - «Древний ужас», 1908 года. Полотно простреливают молнии, бушует морская стихия, готовая уничтожить все следы великой культуры. Но самое пронзительное и жуткое - это застывшая улыбка на губах античной архаической статуи…улыбка знания о неизбежности конца и, одновременно, абсолютного спокойствия перед этим.
Но посыл этой вещи гораздо более вдохновляющий, чем может показаться на первый взгляд. Бакст утверждает силу настоящего искусства. Оно остается неподвластным времени и разрушению, друзья.
Давайте вместе смотреть на прекрасное! Это тренирует взгляд и формирует вкус❤️
FREE THOUGHT
TOMMY—"Pop, what is a freethinker?"
POP—"A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn't married."
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FOURTH OF JULY
"You are in favor of a safe and sane Fourth of July?"
"Yes," replied Mr. Growcher. "We ought to have that kind of a day at least once a year."
FOUNTAIN PENS
"Fust time you've ever milked a cow, is it?" said Uncle Josh to his visiting nephew. "Wal, y' do it a durn sight better'n most city fellers do."
"It seems to come natural somehow," said the youth, flushing with pleasure. "I've had a good deal of practice with a fountain pen."
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MAUDE—"I've just heard of a case where a man married a girl on his deathbed so she could have his millions when he was gone. Could you love a girl like that?"
JACK—"That's just the kind of a girl I could love. What's her address?"
"I am going to start a garden," announced Mr. Subbubs. "A few months from now I won't be kicking about your prices."
"No," said the grocer; "you'll be wondering how I can afford to sell vegetables so cheap."
Archbishop Ryan once attended a dinner given him by the citizens of Philadelphia and a brilliant company of men was present. Among others were the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad; ex-Attorney-General MacVeagh, counsel for the road, and other prominent railroad men.
Mr. MacVeagh, in talking to the guest of the evening, said: "Your Grace, among others you see here a great many railroad men. There is a peculiarity of railroad men that even on social occasions you will find that they always take their lawyer with them. That is why I am here. They never go anywhere without their counsel. Now they have nearly everything that men want, but I have a suggestion to make to you for an exchange with us. We can give free passes on all the railroads of the country. Now if you would only give us—say a free pass to Paradise by way of exchange."
"Ah, no," said His Grace, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "that would never do. I would not like to separate them from their counsel."
An Irishman told a man that he had fallen so low in this life that in the next he would have to climb up hill to get into hell.
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"Look here, now, Harold," said a father to his little son, who was naughty, "if you don't say your prayers you won't go to Heaven."
"I don't want to go to Heaven," sobbed the boy; "I want to go with you and mother."
FUTURE LIFE
A certain young man's friends thought he was dead, but he was only in a state of coma. When, in ample time to avoid being buried, he showed signs of life, he was asked how it seemed to be dead.
"Dead?" he exclaimed. "I wasn't dead. I knew all that was going on. And I knew I wasn't dead, too, because my feet were cold and I was hungry."
"But how did that fact make you think you were still alive?" asked one of the curious.
"Well, this way; I knew that if I were in heaven I wouldn't be hungry. And if I was in the other place my feet wouldn't be cold."
FUNERALS
There was an old man in a hearse,
Who murmured, "This might have been worse;
Of course the expense
Is simply immense,
But it doesn't come out of my purse."
If a man does not make new acquaintances, as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep his friendship in constant repair.—Samuel Johnson.
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"Hoo is it, Jeemes, that you mak' sic an enairmous profit aff yer potatoes? Yer price is lower than ony ither in the toon and ye mak' extra reductions for yer freends."
"Weel, ye see, I knock aff twa shillin's a ton beacuse a customer is a freend o' mine, an' then I jist tak' twa hundert-weight aff the ton because I'm a freend o' his."—Punch.
Короткие истории о классической музыке – в авторском канале «Неля навостряет уши». Тексты пишет Неля Насибулина – музыковед, журналист, лектор, ведущая концертов Московской филармонии.
Избранные посты:
🔴Моцарт ушел с собственного концерта
🔴Чайковского бесило отсутствие ландышей
🔴Сальери сбегал из дома, чтобы послушать музыку
🔴Малер любил кататься на велосипеде
🔴Дебюсси дрессировал московского дрозда
There's fellowship
In every sip
Of friendship's brew.
"Father."
"Well, what is it?"
"It says here, 'A man is known by the company he keeps.' Is that so, Father?"
"Yes, yes, yes."
"Well, Father, if a good man keeps company with a bad man, is the good man bad because he keeps company with the bad man, and is the bad man good because he keeps company with the good man?"—Punch.
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One Fourth of July night in London, the Empire Music Hall advertised special attractions to American visitors. All over the auditorium the Union Jack and Stars and Stripes enfolded one another, and at the interludes were heard "Yankee Doodle" and "Hail Columbia," while a quartette sang "Down upon the Swanee River." It was an occasion to swell the heart of an exiled patriot. Finally came the turn of the Human Encyclopedia, who advanced to the front of the stage and announced himself ready to answer, sight unseen, all questions the audience might propound. A volley of queries was fired at him, and the Encyclopedia breathlessly told the distance of the earth from Mars, the number of bones in the human skeleton, of square miles in the British Empire, and other equally important facts. There was a brief pause, in which an American stood up.
"What great event took place July 4, 1776?" he propounded in a loud glad voice.
The Human Encyclopedia glared at him. "Th' hincident you speak of, sir, was a hinfamous houtrage!"
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"Percy" asks if we know anything which will change the color of the fingers when they have become yellow from cigarette smoking.
He might try using one of the inferior makes of fountain pens.
"Yes," said the old man to his young visitor, "I am proud of my girls, and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1,000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five again, and I shall give her $3,000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will have $5,000 with her."
The young man reflected for a moment and then inquired: "You haven't one about fifty, have you?"
HE—"I'd like to meet Miss Bond."
SHE—"Why?"
"I hear she has thirty thousand a year and no incumbrance."
"Is she looking for one?"—Life.