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1. Jokes
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During sex with my wife, I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said, "What are you doing?"
And I was like "Hush, I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."
Today, I saw a very sick article in the newspaper that read, "Wife kills husband for money in his bank account in order to spend it with her lover." To make matters worse they also had children.
The lesson learnt here is
ATM PIN na Mpesa PIN nazikwa nayo.
Pesa nitawithdraw kwa ule Mpesa agent atakuwa kazi jehanamu.
#Safaricom is everywhere.
If I was to ever trace my wife's family tree, it would probably be a cactus.
They're all pricks.
I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, "Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?"
"Yes I'm taking photos of her," I replied, "But it's not what you think."
"So what is it then?" she asked.
I said, "A Samsung Galaxy."
The worst place that I was ever caught masturbating was when I got stuck in a lift, and got bored waiting.
I was in fast stroke mode when I looked up and realised a security camera was pointing at me.
So now there was evidence.
It wasn't just my word against the other people in the lift.
My boss asked me to work through my lunch break today.
I shouted, "You fucking bastard! I come in at 8.30 and don't get thanks for it, work till 6 at night and don't get thanks for it, while lazy bastards like you leave at 2 just to play golf all fucking afternoon!"
Then I emailed him back and said, "Sure boss, no problem."
After my wife died of a heart attack I didn't want to settle down again straight away. I wanted to have some fun first. So I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with.
Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed. They thought I should have called an ambulance first.
I've always struggled with women
...
But usually I manage to overpower them.
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Join my 50 Telegram Channels and
1 Telegram Group and become part of Emmanuel's Untouchable Telegram Empire. Channel advertisements cost Kshs 400 which you send to the
M-Pesa number 0711737196 or you can Paypal 4 US Dollars to mycomuema@gmail.com or you can Skrill 4 Euros to emmanuelmichaelmuema@gmail.com
Having your channel link or product pinned on my group costs Kshs 400 for 2 days.
Mix and mingle in my Telegram Group called Hookups.
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Emmanuel's Advertising Company
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The WiFi went down during family dinner tonight.
One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.
I learnt 2 interesting facts today
1. You can fit 36 biros into a human anus.
2. I need to get a girlfriend.
In real life, I'm really quite an unattractive and shy person. In fact, the only reason I have sex at all is because of who I am.
A rapist.
My girlfriend wanted 25 K, I gave her 1 K and told her to watch K 24 for the rest. We laughed and laughed. And now I'm single again.
😭😥
Any woman willing to replace her?
The speed of light is approximately 186,000 miles per second.
This equates to how fast you can close your porn tabs on your laptop when you hear your wife approaching.
My friend asked me why I have sex noises saved on my ipod.
I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."
He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in bed?"
I replied, "No, I work in a mortuary."
In my day a selfie was what you did when your wife wasn't in the mood.
Читать полностью…
"I've got some good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Dave, you've clearly never worked as a news presenter before, have you?"
As my wife collapsed, clutching her chest I knew there was no time to waste. I grabbed my phone immediately.
My Tinder account won't open itself.
I got pulled over by the traffic police last night, the officer got out and said, "Any reason why you were so fast?"
"I was just keeping up with traffic," I replied.
He said, "There isn't any traffic."
I said, "And that's why I'm going fast, I'm so far behind."