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Crack your ribs everyday with laughter. Contact the admin @EmmanuelMuema Join my 50 Telegram channels by clicking here https://telegra.ph/Join-My-50-Telegram-Channels-02-04 This channel's link is https://telegram.me/sickjokes
If you are using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady.
That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
"Get in," I ordered the prostitute.
"Hey," she smiled.
I said, "I bet your mum wouldn't be too happy with you doing this."
"Selling my body for money?" she asked.
I said, "No, sitting in a car with a murderer."
A LADY IS IN TEARS AFTER THE GUY SHE IGNORED WINS KSHS 221 MILLION SPORTPESA JACKPOT. LADIES STOP BLUETICKING AND SNUBBING MEN.
http://wp.me/p3KU8G-39Z
There are plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a dick like mine.
Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.
The wife was giving me a bollocking after our daughter walked into the bedroom and caught me masturbating. "For fuck's sake Barry, she's six. SIX. And now she's asking me why daddy had his willy in his hand." She yelled. Why didn't you have your fucking back to the door?"
"Because then she'd be asking why daddy had his thumb up his arse."
A son walks up to his dad and tells him: "Dad, did you know in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?"
His dad replies: "It's like that everywhere son."
A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks, "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says, "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts, "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
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I slept like a baby last night. I woke up 3 times screaming and shit myself twice.
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Interviewer: What's your biggest strength?
Me: I'm a fast learner.
Interviewer: What's 11 * 11?
Me: 65.
Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.
Me: It's 121.
My wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow.
I said, "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?"
"Why, in case I shit myself?" She replied.
"No." I said, "In case your main chute doesn't fucking open."
Isn't it weird when you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating.
Welcome to click bait club.
You're not going to believe the first rule.
I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologise to the guy at the urinal next to me.
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My 16 year old daughter came home today and said "Dad, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend Mike."
"Are you kidding me?!" I said, "What the fuck are you doing with this ugly loser? Don't scrape the barrel, you can do much better than this."
"Dad!!" my daughter screamed, "Mike is lovely!"
"I know." I replied "I was talking to him."
I called for an ambulance today.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the operator."
I stubbed my big toe against the corner of the bed." I replied.
And you want an ambulance for that?" he laughed.
I said, "No, it's for my wife, she shouldn't have laughed."
My 16 year old daughter came home today and said "Dad, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend Mike."
"Are you kidding me?!" I said, "What the fuck are you doing with this ugly loser? Don't scrape the barrel, you can do much better than this."
"Dad!!" my daughter screamed, "Mike is lovely!"
"I know." I replied "I was talking to him."
I walked in on my daughter masturbating this morning.
She's still too young though to understand what I was doing.
"See a penny, pick it up, and all that day, you'll have good luck." Said this old lady as she bent down to pick a penny up off the ground. "Not true," I said as I punched her in the face and stole her handbag.
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A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Larry's whore."
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.
I said, "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity."
I'm not saying I drive a small car...
But whenever I get home, my garage asks if it's in yet.
If a guy remembers the colour of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs.
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