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Crack your ribs everyday with laughter. Contact the admin @EmmanuelMuema Join my 50 Telegram channels by clicking here https://telegra.ph/Join-My-50-Telegram-Channels-02-04 This channel's link is https://telegram.me/sickjokes
My wife has an identical twin sister that I've met once and only once.
I came home early one day and she was visiting and fucking some guy on my couch, but I've never seen her again since then.
Me and the wife have just been to the cinema to see that film Suffragette.
Two hours of a woman's struggle........full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.
Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park we rushed in and caught the credits...
My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her hard in the ass, pulled my cock out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
A man visits the doctor because of his severe stuttering problem.The doctor says, "It appears that your penis is four inches too long and is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing the stutter.""D-d-d-oct-t-tor. Wh-ha-a-at c-c-can I d-d-do?"The doctor tells him that he must remove the extra four inches to relieve the strain.Six months after the operation, the patient returns for his check-up. "Doctor, the operation was a success. I no longer stutter, I have a great job and my self-esteem is fantastic. However, my wife says that she misses the great sex we used to have. I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those four inches."The doctor hesitates for a minute and then says, "I d-d-d-on't th-th-think-k-k-k that wo-wo-wo-ould b-be p-p-pos-s-s-ib-b-ble."
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A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down again. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period." said the little boy.
"Well, OK, I can see that now," she said, "but what's so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my 14 year old sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mum fainted and the man next door shot himself."
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first ”
The lawyer says: "Your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are shortly going to be worth a minimum of £2 million, maybe more."
The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You have just made my day; what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: "The pictures are of you screwing your secretary."
I said to my doctor, "I've got a problem with my penis. Just before I'm about to make love to my wife, she laughs at it.
"He said, Don't worry that's quite common."
I said, "Really?"
"Yes." He replied. "She laughs at everyone's."
"Warning: May cause stress, impotence, poverty, adultery, murderous impulses and any other number of ailments."
I said.
"That's a serious warning, what's it on?" replied my wife.
"Wedding rings." I answered.
Yesterday afternoon, someone knocked at my door. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Dominos holding a cheese tomato pizza.
"I haven't ordered any pizza," I said, "This must be a mistake."
"I know," he replied, "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for lunch."
Roses are red,
Rohypnol is white,
That's why you are mine,
All fucking night.
My wife came into the lounge and asked why our two year old son was screaming.
"He kicked me in the balls," I snarled.
"He doesn't understand that it hurts," she said.
"He fucking does now," I replied.
Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?" "It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. "John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it.
"After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess."
I'll never forget what my wife said to me the first time we met. "Suckie suckie 10 dollar."
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A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
The dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That's confidential."
Sat down to watch a porno last night, but all I could see was some bloke having a wank. Then I realised I hadn't turned the fucking TV on.
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I went for a job interview today. The interviewer said, "Tell me a bit about yourself."
I said, "I've just done fifteen years in prison."
He said, "Er right .. what for?"
I said, "I killed a man after he turned me down for a job."
Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!...Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help..... Feel a bit guilty about the wank now.
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Two guys got arrested for smoking dope, and were due to appear in court the following Friday. In court, the judge says,
"If you can persuade more than 5 people to stop doing drugs, you won't be sent to jail." Two men readily agree to try this, so the judge tells them to come back on Monday morning to report on their efforts. The two guys come back on Monday as requested, and the judge asks how they did.
"I persuaded 17 people to get off drugs." says the first guy.
"That's a good result. How did you manage that?" asks the judge.
"I drew 2 circles." replied the first man, "I told them that the large circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's nothing!" said the second man. "I persuaded 156 people to get off drugs."
"That's most impressive." said the judge. "How did you achieve that?"
"Well, I drew 2 circles too. But I told them the small circle is your asshole before prison and the big circle...."