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Crack your ribs everyday with laughter. Contact the admin @EmmanuelMuema Join my 50 Telegram channels by clicking here https://telegra.ph/Join-My-50-Telegram-Channels-02-04 This channel's link is https://telegram.me/sickjokes
My daughter's school teacher rang me today.
She said, "Sarah didnt turn up for school today, is everything okay?"
I said, "Her mother died last night I'm afraid, she's still trying to get to grip with things."
"Oh no, how's she's getting on?" She asked.
"Very well," I replied. "She's just made tea and is on her second load of washing."
Reports suggest that licking a toilet seat is more hygienic than biting your nails. So why is everyone on the bus staring at me and my toilet seat?
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"Do you remember that row twenty years ago when we sat down and wrote down each others faults?" I said to my wife.
"Oh God yes, I still have mine somewhere," she said with a giggle.
"I've finished," I replied.
When my three-year-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?"
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A man is hitch-hiking when a lorry stops for him. As he climbs into the cab he notices a monkey sitting on the dashboard. After chatting for a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for. The driver says,
"I'll show you." He hits the monkey very hard with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the cab. The monkey picks itself up and disappears between the drivers legs, unzips his jeans, pulls out the driver's willy and proceeds to give him a blow job. Afterwards the monkey gets some tissues, cleans the driver up, zips it all back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker.
"Yeah, bloody amazing!" says the man. Then trucker asks the him,
"Do you want to give it a try?" The man says,
"OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey....."
There was a young lady and her mom strolling through the recreation center one day and they saw two youngsters engaging in sexual relations on a seat.
The young lady says, “Mummy, what are they doing?” The mother dithers then rapidly answers, “Ummm they are making cakes.”
The following day they are at a zoo and the young lady sees two monkeys engaging in sexual relations. Again she asks her mom what they are doing and her mom answers with the same reaction, “Making cakes.”
The following day the young lady says to her mom, “Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the parlor the previous evening?” Shocked, the mother asks, “How would you know?”
She says, “On the grounds that I licked the icing off the couch.”
A guy says to his wife,
"I'm in the mood for a 69er." She says,
"It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care." They go into the bedroom, and are 69ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings, so she tells him to answer the door.
"But my face is a mess! I can't go to the door like this!" he says. She says,
"It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich." So he opens the door and says,
"I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich." The postman says,
"I wasn't looking at the jam around your mouth, I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.
"Look at the size of his penis" says the man. "It's massive!"
"Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears."
A man went to his doctor for an eye examination. They were talking as the doctor was examining his eyes, and in the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually said,
"You need to stop masturbating." The guy replied,
"Why doc? Am I going blind?" The doctor said,
"No, but you've been upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
A man arrives home one evening and found his wife in bed with another man. The husband grabbed the offending man by his penis and dragged him to the garage. After putting his dick into a vice and removing the bar so it couldn't be loosened he walked over to the shelf and took down a saw. The naked man said,
"My gosh, you're not going to cut it off are you?"
The husband replied,
"Oh no sir, the saw is for you. I'm going to set fire to the garage and leave. What you do next is your decision.
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looked up from the page and said to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
"Oh yes? Prove it."
He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't orgasm, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure."
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Yesterday I walked in with a bunch of flowers and my wife said, "Ok, what have you done now?"
"I slept with your sister," I replied.
"What? And you think a bunch of flowers are going to make me forgive you?" she screamed.
"What the fuck are you on about?" I replied. "They're for your sister."
The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
Three guys compare their levels of intoxication from a party the previous night. The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks." The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch." The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute home to my wife." The first guy exclaims, "You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"
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Ex wangu ame-update status yake Fb ati "Wale wote nlitembea nao waende wakapimwe." Saa hii niko kwa fundi wa nguo, I think ni harusi anapanga.
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Dame yako akipata panty si yenye si yake kwa bed usitense, mshow ni mganga alikupea ndio ushinde jackpot ya Sportpesa. Nimeenda kuchimba kaburi.
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AN INCIDENT INVOLVING MY GIRLFRIEND
http://wp.me/p3KU8G-32b
I came home one day and my girlfriend was packing her bags. I asked her what was going on, and she said through her tears, "You're a pedophile!"
And I said, "That's an awfully big word for a 6 year-old."
A woman walked into the ladies' and saw a man standing up using the toilet. Shocked, she exclaimed,
"Excuse me, but this is for women !"
"So's this!" he replied.
Two repair men were walking along examining the railway track, chatting casually.
"I had a great shag near here the other day," said one of them, "a great girl, she had a lovely body and the longest smoothest legs you can imagine. Gagging for it she was. The best sex I've had in years!"
"Well," said the other, she must have been a bit of a dog to go with you. What did she look like? Blonde hair I suppose."
"Dunno," said the first, "I couldn't find her head."
NEVER LOSE A SHIP
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.