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Crack your ribs everyday with laughter. Contact the admin @EmmanuelMuema Join my 50 Telegram channels by clicking here https://telegra.ph/Join-My-50-Telegram-Channels-02-04 This channel's link is https://telegram.me/sickjokes
I had a rude awakening this afternoon.
I was asleep at my desk when my boss walked in and shouted, "Wake up, you cunt!"
Why is it that after having sex with women, they always seem to say the same thing to me?
"Where am I .....Who are you?"
A survey has found that majority of women assign a certain ringtone for their partner.
Men do that too. It's called silent.
A mother finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her son's bed. She calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss the issue.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
The father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question."
I noticed Google were advertising job vacancies.
I called them and asked if I could apply, and they said, "No need to, we have all your information and will get back to you."
You call it armed robbery.
I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun.
I went to the doctor's yesterday to complain about it hurting every time I go to the toilet.
"When did this start?" he asked.
"Last week," I replied. "My ex texted me saying I've got a tiny dick."
5 years ago, I married Miss Right. Unfortunately, her first name is "Always."
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My wife turned to me during her mother’s funeral and hissed, “When we get home later, I’m going to make you fucking pay for this!”
For the life of me I couldn’t think of what I had done wrong. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t sharing my popcorn.
My wife’s kinky. She likes me to fuck her ear.
Every time I try to put my dick in her mouth she turns her head to one side.
My wife asked, "What would you do if you lost somebody you loved? What would you do if I died?"
I said, "Fucking hell! One question at a time..."
Women really have no idea what they want. I met a girl on a dating site who said she wanted a man who would 'take her breath away'.
Yet on our date, I slip a plastic bag over her head, she kicks me in the balls and runs off screaming.
How to get over your fear of the dark:
As soon as you turn the lights off, start masturbating. No monster wants to see that shit. While doing it, stare at the corner and whisper tenderly, "This is for you."
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
My mother in law came for Sunday dinner, and while sitting at the table she moaned, "Why is the dog sitting here on the floor staring at me?"
I replied, "You're using his plate."
When a girl sends hearts and a lot of anonymous love notes, it's known as having a "secret admirer."
But when I do it, it's "stalking" and the police get called.
A doctor is speaking to a man. He says, "Do you want the good or the bad news first?"
The man replies, "The good news."
The doctor says, "You have 24 hours to live."
"WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN THAT?!" the man demands.
"I was trying to reach you yesterday."
I was chatting with a girl in the park.
"So," she said, "are you a lover or a fighter?"
"A bit of both," I replied, as I took out my knife.
I'm seriously bad at choosing women.
I've had 12 ex's ring me up and every one of them had AIDS. Not only that, they all had anger issues.
My wife is the only one I've ever been with. The rest were all 7's or higher.
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Daily Mail Online: "Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."
Hope so, I've got no tissues left.
I was badly beaten by a woman in an elevator today.
I was staring at her boobs then she said, "Would you please press one?"
I thought she was talking about her boobs.🙈🙈🙈
Just saw a woman parading about in front of her window in her bra and panties and when she saw that I was looking she started shouting things like "Pervert!" "I'm calling the fucking cops!"
I was so shocked I nearly fell off my ladder!!
"I've got good news and bad news," the doctor told me.
"Alright, I'll have the bad news first then," I replied.
"You have terminal cancer."
"What's the good news?"
"The good news is for the other patient."
Last night I fucked my wife in the ass then she sucked my shitty cock off till I came in her mouth.
But this morning I'm the disgusting pig for drinking milk straight from the bottle.