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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Teacher: What was that noise?
Student: Sorry, my jacket fell on the floor.
Teacher: Why was it so loud?
Student: Because I was wearing it when it fell.
#other
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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
#other
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My wife beamed at me and said, “I had no idea our son will go that far.”
I said, “I know. The trebuchet is amazing. Go get our daughter.”
#other
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In my twenties, I lived in a houseboat and I started dating the girl next door.
Eventually….we drifted apart.
#wordplay
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I have a rare condition that makes me orgasm every time I remember that I have a rare condition that makes me orgasm.
...come to think of it...
#wordplay
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I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
#wordplay
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Two cowboys are lost in the desert . One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon . “A bacon tree ! We’re saved !” He says . He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets .
It wasn’t a bacon tre , it was a ham bush
#wordplay
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After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant.
She has the worst stutter ever.
#other
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If joe biden’s wife is the First lady then what do we call his mother?
Joe Mama
#wordplay
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I suggested to my wife we go to the pub separately to relive our very first date.
So she walked over to me and asked "Can I buy you a drink handsome" I replied "Fuck off I'm not falling for that again"
#other
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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…
“Son, go get your Mother.”
#other
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Every morning when I go out of my house, a bike comes out of nowhere and tries to attack me.
It’s a ..vicious cycle.
#wordplaa
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My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding
She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!
#oldbutgold
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One day my dad pulled up a chair, sat me on his knee and said, "Son,...
... someday we'll have two chairs."
#other
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Little Johnny was doing his maths homework.
He says out loud, "One plus six, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a bitch is eight." His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, "What are you doing Johnny?" Johnny replies, "I am just doing my maths homework." " And is this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asks. "Yes," Johnny replies. The mother is now angry and immediately phones Johnny's teacher, "What on earth are you teaching my son in class?" she asks. The teacher replies, "Right now, we are learning mathematical addition." The mother asks, "And are you teaching them to say one plus six, that son of a bitch is seven?" After the teacher stopped laughing hysterically, she answers, "What I taught them to say was, one plus six, the sum of which is seven."
#wordplay
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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me..
She said “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
“Fair enough,” I replied and felt her breasts.
#sexandshit
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А scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords.
She got a pen and paper and said 'thank god for that, what are they'
#other
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Russian prime minister Mishustin comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
"I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Olaf Scholz to congratulate him on his birthday and he tells me he had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that plane crashed with Prigozhin on board? I called his family to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
#oldbutnew
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I shouted, “Squirting isn’t real, right!? It’s just urine, right!?”
“I meant any questions about the job." sighed the interviewer.
#other
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My girlfriend is the square root of -100
A solid 10 but imaginary.
#wordplay
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What do French people call marijuana ?
Oui'd
#wordplay
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Steal a man’s wallet and he’ll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life.
#other
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Why don’t Americans make jokes about mass shootings?
Because it’s always too soon.
#roast
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A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
#boomerhumor
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Mary comes home after tending to the garden….
Joseph has a warm pie on the table. He cuts Mary a peice of pie and she is thrilled by how amazing it tastes. So she asks Joseph, “Where did you get this pie from?”
Joseph tells Mary “I baked it!”
“Baked it?” Says Mary.
“Yes, right here in our home from scratch!” Says Joseph.
Mary looks at him confused then says “But we don’t have an oven.”
So Joseph looks her straight in the eyes and say “God helped me.”
Mary looks at Joseph annoyed, “Please, not this again.” as Joseph screams
“YOU SEE HOW THAT SOUNDS MARY?!?!?!?”
#religion
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“69” is now known as “96”.
Thanks to inflation the cost of eating out has gone way up.
#sexandshit
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A man is working out with a blonde nearby
He gets hot while doing his sets so he takes off his shirt. The blonde winks and says "Wow, you've got some nice pecs there."
The man smirks and says "100 pounds of pure dynamite, babe." and returns to his workout. A few minutes go by and he gets hotter so he takes off his pants.
The blonde winks again and says "Wow, you've got some nice calves too."
The man smiles and says "100 pounds of pure dynamite, babe." and returns to his workout.
After another few minutes he gets so hot that he takes off his underwear. With no hesitation, the blonde screams and runs away. The man chased her down and when he caught up to her, asked "What was that all about? Why did you run away from me like that?"
Blonde says, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was."
#sexandshit
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2 nuns were sitting on a park bench when a guy came running through and flashed them. One of the nuns had a stroke...
The other one couldn't reach.
#wordplay
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A guy was walking through the woods, and finds a lamp on the ground, he picks it up and rubs it and a genie comes out.
The dude goes "Whoa! A Genie!" And the genie looking really bored is like, "Alright go ahead, you got 2 wishes.." The dudes like, "Only 2? I thought everyone gets 3? What kind of bullshit genie are you?" And the genie says, "Look in your pants." And the guy does and says "Holy crap! My dick is huge!" And the genie says,"Yeah, I've been doing this a loooooooong time."
#sexandshit
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11:38 - Arrived at crime scene.
11:38 - Examined body. Signs of a struggle.
11:38 - Found murder weapon in drain.
11:38 - Realised watch was broken.
#other
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