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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Unfortunately, the cross-eyed teacher at my son's school was fired today.
It seems she couldn't control her pupils.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A hacker called and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said 'Thank God for that,
what are they?'
#other@Sickipedia
A man goes to the eye doctor
Doctor: your test results just came back.
Man: Can I see them?
Doc: probably not!
#other@Sickipedia
In Trinidad and Tobago it will cost you $2.50 for an apple pie, in Jamaica it will cost you $3.00
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you…
"You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what’s the catch?"
#other@Sickipedia
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A Yama-hahahaha
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Why do cows haves hooves and not feet?
Because they lactose
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A woman visits the Noah's Ark Museum
Once inside, she is fascinated by the one exhibit entitled "The Lion lays down with the Lamb". It is a zoo like enclosure with a lion and a lamb living in it.
The woman asks the tour guide, "So I guess this shows how the Lord made predators and prey coexist on the Ark."
The guide answers, "Exactly, just like it is happening in this exhibit"
"Do they ever fight?", she asks.
"Occasionally"
"What do you then?"
"We get another lamb"
#other@Sickipedia
A black guy goes into an electronics store
He tells the salesman "I'm here to see your hi-fis. Maybe Panasonic, Yamaha, or Sharp."
The salesman says "Oh right let me guess - you're going to blast that rap music at full volume. Probably going to piss off your neighbors."
The black guy says "Yes exactly. I'm here for the stereo types."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
So disappointed by Fox News...
Just watched Fox News for the first time and there were no foxes to be found anywhere. No fox stories, no fox newscasters, not even a fox on the logo.
This is almost as disappointing as the first time I watched BBC News.
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My grandmother said I inherited my grandfather’s lovely big brown eyes. It made me cry …
… because what I really wanted was his money.
#other@Sickipedia
My wife was reluctant for us to start spicing up our sex life.
Now she can’t stop cumin
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on the same book for years?
A Church
#religion@Sickipedia
A very frugal couple always used to brag to each other how much money they could save.
One day the husband arrived home from work and said, "Today I saved $1.50. I ran behind the bus rather than riding it."
The wife responded, "IDIOT! Had you run behind a cab, you could have saved $15.00!"
#other@Sickipedia
Cannibals aren’t picky when it comes to eating people in the military.
However, they do prefer seasoned veterans.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Did you know you can hear the blood running through your veins?
Yep! If you listen Varicosely.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I went to a friend's funeral and asked his wife if I could say a word.
"Of course" she said, so I stood up and said "plethora". As I sat down she said "thanks, that means a lot".
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I was in a restuarant last night and was unhappy with my meal. So, I called the waiter over and said, "Waiter, my soup is cold!" The waiter replied, "It's Gazpacho."
So I said, " Gazpacho, my soup is cold!"
#other@Sickipedia
In the UK, all Ford Galaxy Cars come with a Manual about picking up Strangers.
It's called "The Galaxy's Guide to the Hitchhiker."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Why do foot fetishists enjoy losing?
Because they crave the taste of defeat.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
We may all have our disagreements with others here on Reddit, but here is one comforting fact:
Everyone reading this joke……is on the same page.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I went to buy a sofa to put in my living room.
The salesman said:
"This sofa will seat five people without any problems".
Me: "Then i'm not interested."
Salesman: "Why?"
Me: "I don't think i know 5 people without any problems."
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
A million dollars won't make you any happier
I have $100 million now but I was just as happy when I had $99 million.
#other@Sickipedia
If you're feeling paranoid...?
Just know that you're not alone.
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
Did you hear about the man with 5 penises ?
His pants fit like a glove
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What do you get if you cut a policeman’s head into 4 pieces?
Police headquarters.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her.
She said "You're fucking that Welsh bitch from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, aren't you?!"
I said "How could you even say such a thing?"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A doctor doing a study on viability asked an 85-year-old man for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 85-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, "What happened? Why is the jar empty?”
“Well, doc, it's like this," the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing."
“She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arlene, our next-door neighbor and she tried too - first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor????"
"Yep," said the old man. "Not one of us could get the jar open.”
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia