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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "Those are enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card; it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My co-workers have given me “the least expressive person they have ever met” award three years in a row.
I can’t tell you how proud I am about this.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life….is a joke.
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
Told my Canadian pal I got into an argument with my wife.
"Why don't you buy her a bouquet?" he asked.
I said, "She isn't a big reader."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Leonardo DiCaprio has removed all his movies from Netflix.
Netflix turned 27 this year.
#other@Sickipedia
Me: "Thank you doctor, I feel like I am getting over my fear of the super natural"
Therapist: "Great! That's the spirit!" Me: "WHERE?!"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A police officer pulled me over and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors. I win!” and drove off.
I guess he wants a rematch because he’s been following me for about 45 minutes.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I’ve decided to apply my years of IT experience to fixing my marriage
I’ve successfully turned my wife off. Anyone know what I have to do to turn her back on again?
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
The guy will actually search for a golf ball.
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
What's the most masculine job in the world?
A mailman.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
How do you make the number one disappear?
Just add a G and it’s gone
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What type of doctor is Dr Pepper?
A Fizzician
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What do you call it when Optimus prime gets a handjob?
A carjacking.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Yo momma is so old...
When I told her to act her age she died
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
A Neutron walks into a bar. It asks “How much for a drink??”
To which the bartender replies with “For you?? No charge.”
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Man 1: what's the diffrence between toilet paper and drapes?
Man 2: Well drapes are thicker
Man 1: So it was you
#other@Sickipedia
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex.
He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter F.
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
How many noble gases are dyslexic?
Neon
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .".
Kid 1: "As if.".
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister.".
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister.".
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months.
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
I spent a whole day wondering how my friend’s great-great-great-great grandpa is still alive
Just realized he has a stuttering problem.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
"I heard, you're the brother of Sherlock and also solve criminal cases. Are you also such a brilliant mind?"
"No, unlike my brother I solve cases by accident", answered Sheer Luck Holmes.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Me: "Remember when I rubbed you out?"
Genie: "Don't say it like that..."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I remember the first time I made love to my wife.
After we finished, I asked her: "Am I the first one?"
She sighed, looked at me and said: "Why does everyone always ask me that?"
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
There are 86 billion neurons in your brain
Really makes you think
#wordplay@Sickipedia
When you are young, you have two kidneys.
Then when you grow up, you have two adult knees.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
"The thing about 'dad jokes' is..."
"...you just change the 'd' to 'b' and you have the truth."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My wife started putting a miniature Stallone doll in the middle of our bed a few months ago.
Things….have been a little Rocky between us ever since.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My low-fuel indicator keeps coming on even though I have plenty in the tank...
I think my car may be gas lighting me.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Every night for bedtime stories, my son insists I read the label on a can of WD-40.
He’s really into non-friction.
#wordplay@Sickipedia