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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
"The thing about 'dad jokes' is..."
"...you just change the 'd' to 'b' and you have the truth."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My wife started putting a miniature Stallone doll in the middle of our bed a few months ago.
Things….have been a little Rocky between us ever since.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My low-fuel indicator keeps coming on even though I have plenty in the tank...
I think my car may be gas lighting me.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Every night for bedtime stories, my son insists I read the label on a can of WD-40.
He’s really into non-friction.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My friend told me, “You have a Bachelor’s, a Master’s and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”
That….was a third degree burn.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry but we don’t serve bacteria here”
To which the bacteria reply with “But we work here, we’re Staph !!”
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Two guys walk into a bar. "Hey DONKEY get the beers in!" shouts one guy to the other."
The barman says to the guy, "That's a bit mean, why does he call you Donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, he aw... he aw... he always calls me Donkey."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A guy finds a genie who offers him one wish. Already rich and happy, he asks to always climax at the same time as his wife.
A few weeks later, he’s back rubbing the lamp.
“Genie, I need to undo that wish.”
The genie asks, “Why? Did something go wrong?”
“No, it works fine. But picture this: I’m at the bar with my buddies, playing cards, having a beer... then boom—orgasm.”
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
Curious what you guys think about one sixtieth of a minute?
I'm just looking for a second opinion
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What do you call a T-Rexs wife who sleeps with everyone?
A Dino's whore
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I lost my girlfriend because I was a compulsive gambler
All I can think of now is how to win her back.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Today on the street a man asked me for a dollar.
I told him that I only carry big bills. He said give me one of those. So I gave him my electric bill.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
"Dad," began my son, "what does GILF mean?"
Embarrassed, I said, "It's just another way of saying 'golf', son."
Then next day he said, "Dad, nobody at school wants to be my friend anymore."
"Why not?" I asked.
"I asked them if they wanted to try and help me find some gilf clubs."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
The other day a guy asked me if I wanted to pet his cocker spaniel.
Feeling kinda weird about the whole thing now… I think I should’ve chose the spaniel.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What's the difference between a Teacher and a Train?
The teacher will say "Get rid of that gum!!:
The train will say "Chew, Chew!!"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What do you call it when Optimus prime gets a handjob?
A carjacking.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Yo momma is so old...
When I told her to act her age she died
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
A Neutron walks into a bar. It asks “How much for a drink??”
To which the bartender replies with “For you?? No charge.”
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first "sex party" and doesn't know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, "Gender Reveal, Mom. It's called a Gender Reveal."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A screwdriver walks into a bar and the bartender says “Hey !! We have a drink named after you !!”
To which the screwdriver replies “You have a drink named Phillip??”
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
My buddy quit his job at BMW.
He of course gave no indication that he was leaving.
#roast@Sickipedia
What is the difference between Americans and IT support?
Americans don't have troubleshooting.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Un-bee-leavable
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey!"
The Horse replies "You just read my mind!!"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My girlfriend takes chess too seriously.
In bed, she can mate me in 4 moves.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see.
#other@Sickipedia
What do you call a pencil with two erasers?
Pointless.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
If I ever hit the lottery, I guarantee everyone around me will be rich.
I'll be moving to Beverly Hills.
#other@Sickipedia
My brother had to quit his job as a weightlifter because he wasn't strong enough.
He handed in his too weak notice yesterday.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My wife asked me, “Can we have some peace and quiet while I cook dinner?”
So I took out the batteries from the smoke alarm.
#roast@Sickipedia