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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Womb is pronounced as "woom" and tomb as "toom".
It's only fair that bomb should go "boom".
#wordplay
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Last week we took the kids to see "Disney On Ice" but it was very disappointing.
It was just some old dead guy in a freezer.
#wordplay
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Why do the British pronounce it "Bri'ish"?
Because the Americans dumped the T in Boston Harbor.
#wordplay
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Girl winks at the bartender and asks, "Is it true hot chicks don't pay for their drinks here?"
Bartender: "Yes, that's been our policy for years! Here's your check."
#roast
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My wife is one of the clumsiest people I know.
I'm so glad she fell for me
#wordplay
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What do you call a dying airport computer?
A terminal terminal terminal.
#wordplay
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Daughter asks her Mother for some advice...
"My boyfriend has asked me to give him a hand job" she says "But I have no idea how to do it?"
"It's pretty easy" her Mother replied "Just pretend you're shaking a bottle of sauce"
Later that evening, her boyfriend begged her to give him a hand job. "No problem" she said, so he unzipped his pants and she takes a firm hold of his cock. Then she repeatedly smashed his knob as hard as she could with the palm of her other hand.
#sexandshit
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A man gets pulled over by a police car....
"Excuse me sir, we've been searching for a sheep molester in the area. We'd like to ask you a few questions, and there's a reward being offered"
The man thinks for a second, "Okay sure, it's not my thing but I'll do it"
#sexandshit
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There have been numerous accusations that the moon landing was fake.
When Neil Armstrong was interviewed about it, it’s claimed he said the following; The government found the trip to the moon was going to be both expensive and difficult. There was significant doubt that it could even be done. So, the CIA decided that because the US needed the propaganda advantage over the Russians they enlisted Hollywood to make a moon landing movie. After weeks of work and millions of dollars sunk into the venture the Hollywood producer and director came to the CIA and said, “we can’t do it here, it’ll have to be done on site.”
#other
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Why don't boxers have sex before the big fight?
They usually don't like each other.
#other
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My now ex-GF said: “I don’t want to go out. I feel so fat”
I said: “don’t worry, you look great. Are you ready to roll?”
#wordplay
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My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it's because I actually have a condition that's pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol.
#other
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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
#wordplay
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My wife claims that I'm cheap
But I'm not buying it
#wordplay
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A mathematician comes home from a symposium to be met at the door by his furious wife.
"What's the big idea, coming home at three in the morning in this state?" she yells.
"Dear," says the moderately refreshed gentleman, "what time did I say I would be home?"
"Quarter of twelve, that's what you said!" screams the wife.
"...Well?" demands the mathematician.
#other
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A judge calls opposing council into his chambers and says "Gentlemen, I've called you here to discuss a very serious matter. Both of you have given me bribes to influence my decision".
The lawyers begin to squirm in their seats.
"Mr. Morgenstern, you have given me $40,000 to rule in your favor, and Mr. Atkinson, you have given me $50,000 to rule for you".
He hands Atkinson $10,000 in cash and says "Now that you are both even, I intend to decide the case purely on its merits".
#other
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Knock knock. Who's there? Grandad.
Shit stop the funeral!
#other
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My GF said that she will break up with me if I sing "I'm a believer"
I thought she was kidding, but then I saw her face.
#wordplay
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The beginning of the first class in college a professor wanted to stir things up, to make a point he said “If there are any idiots in this room, will you please stand up"
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inquired the professor in a snidely voice.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, “ I just hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
#oldbutgold
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Why did the transgender man only eat salads?
He was a herbivore.
#wordplay
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If, at first, you don't succeed...
I would not recommend skydiving.
#other
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'
#wordplay
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What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
#wordplay
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Three nuns die and arrive in heaven.
Three nuns arrive in heaven. Peter is standing at the gates, and he welcomes them into heaven, but tells them before they can enter they must answer a question.
Peter comes to the first nun and asks “what was the name of the first man on earth ?”
“Oh that’s an easy one!” the nun says. “Adam!” And the gates swung open.
Peter then goes to the second nun and asks “what was the name of the first woman on earth?”
“Oh that’s an easy one!” The nun says. “Eve!” And the gates swung open.
Peter then goes to the head nun, who being more senior is expected to be more knowledgeable. “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”
“Oh that’s a hard one” the nun says. And the gates swung open.
#wordplay
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My dad asked me, “Did you get an A in your Spanish exam?”
Me: C.
Dad: Well done. I knew you can do it!
#wordplay
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Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
"Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?" The girl, crying, replied, "Dad... I became a prostitute." "Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"What was it ye said ye had become?", says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "A prostitute, Daddy!"
"Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!"
#oldbutgold
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A couple's young daughter went to college.
After 6 months she happily let them know she was engaged to a student who is studying to be a pastor, and is bringing him home for the holidays.
And after the introductions the father and the boy sat and the father asked: " How old are you?"
Fiance:"19"
Father: "And where are you going to live?"
Fiance: "God will provide."
Father: "And where are you going to get money?"
Fiance: "God will provide."
Later that night the mother asked the father: "What do you think of him?"
And the father: "He seems to be a nice guy, he thinks I am God."
#religion
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A guy goes with his girlfriend to stay at her parents’ house for the holidays.
The couple live in the city and the parents live on a farm. The boyfriend is unused to the quiet country life and after a couple of days he’s pretty bored. His girlfriend’s father comes in and says “Hey young fella if you’re looking for something to do, why not take the dogs out for a bit of hunting? There’s a shotgun behind the laundry door.” Guy comes back a couple of hours later, the father says “How was it?”
“That was amazing! Have you got any more dogs?”
#other
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A 90 year old man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup.
Fifteen minutes later, the doctor says,"Your health is good physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"
The old man replies,"Me and God are tight. We are in a real connection. He has even fixed my eyesight for me! Whenever I go to the bathroom to pee, the light turns on and when I exit, the light turns off!"
The doctor, astonished, calls his wife and says,"Madam, your husband's physical heath is good. I'm calling as I'm surprised with his connection to God! Is it true that When he goes to the toilet to urinate the light turns on and when he exits, the light turns off?"
The wife says,"Stupid Robert! He's been peeing in the fridge again!"
#illness
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I was walking down the street last summer on a hot day. Sweltering hot. As I was looking for a way to break the heat, I see an ice cream parlor just up the street. I walk towards the door and I see the flavor of the day written on a placard:
Today's Special Flavor: Pussy
I think, "ah, why not!", walk inside and order two scoops of the special flavor. I make it back to the street and take a big ol' kick. "Uh! No way. It can't be this bad!" I think to myself.
I take another lick, "Uhl!" I almost vomit.
I turn around a walk back into the ice cream parlor and tell the guy behind the counter, "yeah - Hi. I just bought today's special..."
"Yes, I remember," said the man.
"This tastes like ass!", I say.
"Oh, that's because you took too big of a lick."
#sexandshit
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