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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Every night for bedtime stories, my son insists I read the label on a can of WD-40.
He’s really into non-friction.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My friend told me, “You have a Bachelor’s, a Master’s and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”
That….was a third degree burn.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry but we don’t serve bacteria here”
To which the bacteria reply with “But we work here, we’re Staph !!”
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Two guys walk into a bar. "Hey DONKEY get the beers in!" shouts one guy to the other."
The barman says to the guy, "That's a bit mean, why does he call you Donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, he aw... he aw... he always calls me Donkey."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A guy finds a genie who offers him one wish. Already rich and happy, he asks to always climax at the same time as his wife.
A few weeks later, he’s back rubbing the lamp.
“Genie, I need to undo that wish.”
The genie asks, “Why? Did something go wrong?”
“No, it works fine. But picture this: I’m at the bar with my buddies, playing cards, having a beer... then boom—orgasm.”
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
Curious what you guys think about one sixtieth of a minute?
I'm just looking for a second opinion
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What do you call a T-Rexs wife who sleeps with everyone?
A Dino's whore
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I lost my girlfriend because I was a compulsive gambler
All I can think of now is how to win her back.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Today on the street a man asked me for a dollar.
I told him that I only carry big bills. He said give me one of those. So I gave him my electric bill.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
"Dad," began my son, "what does GILF mean?"
Embarrassed, I said, "It's just another way of saying 'golf', son."
Then next day he said, "Dad, nobody at school wants to be my friend anymore."
"Why not?" I asked.
"I asked them if they wanted to try and help me find some gilf clubs."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
The other day a guy asked me if I wanted to pet his cocker spaniel.
Feeling kinda weird about the whole thing now… I think I should’ve chose the spaniel.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What's the difference between a Teacher and a Train?
The teacher will say "Get rid of that gum!!:
The train will say "Chew, Chew!!"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A blonde woman, tired of the stereotypes about blondes, decides one day to prove her intelligence to her husband...
Tired of the constant blonde jokes and the stereotype that blondes are not smart, a blonde woman decides to prove her intelligence to her husband. While he is at work, she takes it upon herself to paint a couple of rooms in their house.
The next day, as soon as her husband leaves, she dives into the project. When he returns home at 5:30, he immediately notices the strong smell of paint. Concerned, he walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor, drenched in sweat. To his surprise, she’s wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat.
Worried, he asks if she’s okay. She assures him she is fine. Curious, he inquires about her outfit. She explains that she wanted to prove that blondes can be smart by painting the house. When he asks why she's wearing both coats, she confidently explains, "I read the instructions on the paint can, and it said, 'For best results, put on two coats.'"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A Polar bear walks into a bar and says “I’ll take a rum…… and a coke.” The bartender says, “what’s with the pause??”
The Polar bear says “I was born with them.”
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
As their plane took off, the pilot asked the co-pilot, “Have you ever flown solo?”
Co-pilot: No, I usually fly much higher than this.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first "sex party" and doesn't know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, "Gender Reveal, Mom. It's called a Gender Reveal."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A screwdriver walks into a bar and the bartender says “Hey !! We have a drink named after you !!”
To which the screwdriver replies “You have a drink named Phillip??”
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
My buddy quit his job at BMW.
He of course gave no indication that he was leaving.
#roast@Sickipedia
What is the difference between Americans and IT support?
Americans don't have troubleshooting.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Un-bee-leavable
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey!"
The Horse replies "You just read my mind!!"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My girlfriend takes chess too seriously.
In bed, she can mate me in 4 moves.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see.
#other@Sickipedia
What do you call a pencil with two erasers?
Pointless.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
If I ever hit the lottery, I guarantee everyone around me will be rich.
I'll be moving to Beverly Hills.
#other@Sickipedia
My brother had to quit his job as a weightlifter because he wasn't strong enough.
He handed in his too weak notice yesterday.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My wife asked me, “Can we have some peace and quiet while I cook dinner?”
So I took out the batteries from the smoke alarm.
#roast@Sickipedia
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it's because I'm a groan man.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A man comes out of the bathroom and says to his wife..
Honey, I've just taken a dump that weighed a whole kilo!
His wife curls her lip and replies "Oh Carl, did you stand on the scales before and after going to the to loo?"
The husband responds: "Oh, I guess I could have done it that way too."
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.
This joke would be funny if it had a punchline, wooden tit?
#wordplay@Sickipedia