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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
My wife caught me sucking in my stomach while standing on the bathroom scale. "Ha! That’s not going to help" She said. "Sure, it does" I said...
It’s the only way I can see the numbers!
#other
@Sickipedia
You might think the lead singer is in charge of the band, but it's really the guitarist who is pulling all the strings.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I'm only ever sick on work days, thanks to my weekend immune system.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Supposedly 30% of the world's population lets their pets sleep in bed with them.
I'm really upset though, because I tried it yesterday and now my goldfish is dead.
#other
@Sickipedia
"No thanks, I'm a vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you a baby.
#oldbutgold
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You matter!
You have mass and occupy space.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm a Believer" by the Monkees because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding...
...But then I saw her face
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I used to run a dating service for chickens.
But I was struggling to make hens meet.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Mean girls aren’t as bad as people say.
In reality, they’re just about average.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Today, I told my really hot co-worker how I felt and she felt the same.
So I turned on the air-conditioner.
#other
@Sickipedia
I named my eraser Confidence because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.
#other
@Sickipedia
Once you accept that gravity exists everything falls into place.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
“There are no words in the English language that have all the vowels in alphabetical order,” he said facetiously.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I programmed a pirate game, but users said, the main character looks not enough like a pirate.
There will be a patch soon.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I'm having a hard time getting the yoga instructor I hired online to leave my house...
Every time I ask them to leave, they just say “namaste”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
When Google turned 25 years old, Leonardo DiCaprio switched to Yahoo.
#other
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After you’ve finished a case of beer, both you and the beer are drunk.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
#other
@Sickipedia
I prefer porn with subtitles, so that I can figure out what the animals are saying.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Why is the first episode of a tv series called a pilot?
Because it’s the first time it’s on the air.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
If life gives you melons
You probably have dyslexia
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
At dinner, my girlfriend suddenly told me, “It’s over between us”.
Me: Why?
Her: For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I see. And for the main course?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Your vet won't tell you this, but if your dog is running a fever, get it some ketchup. It really is the best thing for a hot dog.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Man addicted to drinking brake fluid claims he can stop anytime he wants.
#other
@Sickipedia
The word "misread" can be misread as "misread".
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Together, I can beat schizophrenia!
#other
@Sickipedia
What are two things you can never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner.
#other
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