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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
My father owned a coal company, but mostly kept it to himself.
He mined his own business.
#wordplay
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What do you get when you rub two oranges together?
Pulp Friction.
#wordplay
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I always have sex with the lights on.
Because I get scared alone in the dark.
#sexandshit
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What do you call an Irish lesbian?
Gaelic.
#wordplay
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A man walks into the doctor's office with an apple in his ear and a banana up his butt.
Doc, I don't feel very good, says the man.
I see your problem right here, says the Doc. You're not eating properly.
#other
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I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
#other
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The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in one language is priceless.
#other
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Why can't a nose be 30 cm long?
Because then it'd be a foot
#wordplay
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I got thrown out of a Hindu temple for saying YOLO
#other
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I dated a dolphin for a while until she broke up with me.
We just weren’t clicking.
#wordplay
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Adding an extra 's' to the word needles is needless.
#wordplay
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The Mafia leader asks his right-hand man if he would do anything he says.
The guy says he’ll do anything for his boss. "Ok then, take this plastic cup, go into the bathroom, jerk off, and bring it out."
Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out.
The Mafia leader says, "Good, good. Now do it again. Don't forget to bring it out."
The Mafia leader hands him a new cup. So the guy goes back into the bathroom and does the same thing. He walks out tired with much less in the cup than the first time. This routine goes on for three more times. The Mafia leader sees this and says, "Very good, very good. Do it one last time."
He hands him a new cup and the guy goes back into the bathroom. The guy is barely able to walk and drags himself out of the bathroom. He comes out and there's hardly a tiny drop in the cup.
The Mafia leader now says, "Alright Paulie, I want you to take my daughter to the movies and bring her back.
#sexandshit
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What's the worst part about sitting in traffic?
Drivers constantly yelling at you to stand up and get off the road.
#other
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My wife caught me sucking in my stomach while standing on the bathroom scale. "Ha! That’s not going to help" She said. "Sure, it does" I said...
It’s the only way I can see the numbers!
#other
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You might think the lead singer is in charge of the band, but it's really the guitarist who is pulling all the strings.
#wordplay
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I asked my mom If I was an accident.
She said, "No, of course not. Your brother was the accident. You were a mistake".
#roast
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In english, they have a word that roughly translates to "i'm surrounded by water, but I'm still breathing" and i think that's beautiful.
Scuba.
#other
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At a man’s funeral, the widow asked if anyone would like to say a word.
The first person stands up and says, “Plethora.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That means a lot.”
The next person stands up and says, “Earth.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That means the world.”
The next person stands up and says, “Watering hole.”
A bit confused, the widow says, “I know you meant well.”
The next person stands up and says, “Totality.”
The widow says, “Thank you, that means everything.”
The next person stands up and says, “Dynamite.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That’s powerful stuff.”
The next person stands up and says, “Nostalgia.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That’s a loving memory.”
The next person stands up and says, “Embrace.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That’s touching.”
The next person stands up and says, “Measurement.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That means so much.”
The next person stands up and says, “Incomprehensible.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That means more than you can imagine.”
The next person stands up and says, “Bargain.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That means a great deal.”
The next person stands up and says, “Beer.”
The widow says, “Thank you. He would have loved that.”
#wordplay
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I fell asleep in church but got up when I heard the preacher say, "Stand up!" And when I did, the whole congregation burst into applause.
Then the preacher said, "Thank you, Kathleen! And who else loves God enough to donate $2,000?"
#other
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Bill Clinton and the Pope die at the same day, but get messed up - the Pope goes to Hell and Clinton goes to Heaven.
Next day they swap places, and the Pope mentions "I am so excited, have always wished to see Virgin Mary", on which Bill comments "sorry pal, you are a day late".
#sexandshit
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What did the doctor say when the patient wanted to do their own stitches?
Suture self.
#wordplay
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Women tell me I’m like ‘The Beatles’ of lovemaking, because I’m half dead and only appealing to the elderly.
#other
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Life is full of complications, even when you’re born there’s a string attached.
#wordplay
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I met my recently divorced friend for a beer last week.
Obviously, I asked him how the divorce went.
"She got the best lawyers in the country, so I lost my kids, my house, my car and my dog," he said. "I have to pay half of my paycheck in child support and the other half in alimony. She gets most of my 401(k), and I even had to hand over my family's heirlooms. But I can't complain."
"Oh, so there's a bright side to all of this?"
"No, the settlement also says I can't complain."
#other
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What did the extraterrestrial say to the bottle of water?
Take me to your LITER!
#wordplay
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My SO likes to Play "All Star" During Sex
Well, they start coming, and they don't stop coming
#wordplay
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I keep forgetting my password so I changed it to "incorrect"
Now if I forget it I just put in anything and it says "your password is incorrect".
#other
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John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. "
What do you think you're going to do with the money?" John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him — he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."
Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
#other
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I'm having a hard time getting the yoga instructor I hired online to leave my house...
Every time I ask them to leave, they just say “namaste”
#wordplay
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When Google turned 25 years old, Leonardo DiCaprio switched to Yahoo.
#other
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