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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A father and his son were hanging out in the living room watching TV
When a sex scene started, the father told his son, “Son, it’s time for you to go bed.”
The son replied, “C’mon dad, I’m already fifteen.”
The dad answered, “I don’t care how old you are… you are not going to watch me jerk off!”
#sexandshit
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I learned Morse code and then I couldn't sleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
#other
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A guy and a parrot sit down on an airplane.
The guy find it weird, but if people can bring dogs, you can also bring parrots, he thinks.
Moments later, comes the flight attendant:
Good evening can I serve you anything?
The parrot says:
Bring a nice cold beer you whore!
The attendant is startled by it, but well, the client is always right.
She then comes back with beer. The parrot chugs it and say again:
Now Im the mood for some wine, bring me a red wine you bitch!
The man seeing the opportunity says:
Can you bring me a glass of water please? Thank you
The attendant grabs the wine, but forgets the glass of water, she comes back and the parrot says:
Goddammit your piece of shit, I've told you already I dont like dry wine, bring me a sweet one
And the guy says:
-And bring my water please? Just a small glass, pretty please
Then she goes back to the bar grabs the wine, but forgets the water again, as she walks back, the guy, annoyed, tries to use the parrot tactic and says
Jesus fucking christ you stupid bitch, I've told two times already to bring me my water!
The attendant is done with it:
Thats it! I wont tolerate this treatment no more!
She then goes to the pilot and tell him about the parrot and the man, the pilot goes to the both of them and says:
You two are cursing everybody in this airplane? Thats it you are out
He then grabs both, open the door and kicks them out of the airplane
As both of them are falling the parrot says:
Damn bro, for someone that doesnt have wings you're really fucking brave!
#oldbutgold
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What do you get when you cross a hippie and a ninja?
Peace and quiet.
#other
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My kid showed a drawing he made of his breakfast titled "Bacon and Egsg".
I said, "great picture, but you have a spelling error that can't be fixed."
"Why can't it be fixed?"
"Well, son, there's just no way to unscramble eggs."
#wordplay
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I'm not sure why my dog rushes to the front door every time someone knocks.
I mean, it's almost never for him.
#other
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In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night
This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation
#wordplay
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Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house?
Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
#wordplay
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Just seen an OnlyFans page where girls slam their bums together...
Fair play, they are just trying to make ends meet
#wordplay
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"Mamma I don't like grandma!"
"Eat only the potatoes then".
#other
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Stewardess: "Window or aisle?"
Window or you'll what?
#wordplay
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Me: I've met a girl with 12 breasts
Wife: That sounds strange.
Me: Dozen tit?
#wordplay
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Olympic Results for Sailing are out.
The British have taken the Gold medal.
The French have taken the Silver medal.
The Somalians have taken the boats.
#other
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Doctor: I'm afraid we'll need to remove your colon
Me why?
#wordplay
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What does a Polish girl get on her wedding night that’s long and hard?
New last name
#other
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For all the single people on this feed thinking of getting married, here are the pros and cons.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
#other
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The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.
#wordplay
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Anything can be a UFO...
if you're really bad at identifying things.
#other
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Why don't foot fetishists win races?
They love the smell of defeat.
#wordplay
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A traveling salesman's car breaks down way out in farm country late in the evening.
Luckily he's not too far from a quaint little farmhouse, so he goes and knocks on the door. The farmer and his wife answer the door, quite sympathetic to the salesman's plight.
They let him use their phone to call a tow company. Unfortunately the truck couldn't come out until morning, so the couple offer to let him stay with them overnight. They don't have a guest room, but their bed is large enough to fit three comfortably, so the salesman accepts gratefully.
A couple hours after going to bed, the wife turns to the salesman and whispers, "I want you!"
He answers, "But your husband is right there!"
She replies, "Pluck a hair from his butt. If he doesn't wake up, we can do it."
He plucks a hair; the farmer doesn't stir, and they quietly have sex.
A couple hours later, she says "I want you again!"
He plucks another hair from the farmer's butt, getting no reaction, so they have sex again.
Another couple hours later, she says, "I want you one last time before you go!"
And as the salesman reaches to pluck a hair, the farmer tiredly says, "Look, man, I don't mind if you do my wife, but could you please stop using my ass as a scoreboard?"
#sexandshit
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A captain aboard a battleship spots a light in the distance in the battleship's path.
Not wanting there to be a collision, he radios the source of the light: "Change your course ten degrees south."
The response is quick: "Change your course ten degrees north."
His pride slightly damaged, the captain responds testily: "I am an admiral, first class! Change your course ten degrees south!"
The response: "I am a lieutenant, second class. Change your course ten degrees north."
Now losing his patience, the captain angrily radios: "Change your course ten degrees south! I'm in a battleship!"
Comes the answer: "Change your course ten degrees north sir, I'm in a lighthouse."
#other
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Boeing does not make airplanes anymore.
It makes errorplanes.
#wordplay
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What's The biggest fear of Zeus?
Child support
#other
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I'm proud to say I had never paid for sex ever
I am a pretty fast runner.
#sexandshit
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I feel bad about misjudging my new girlfriend.
I thought she was a bit of a slut when she playfully called me her thirty second lover.
Then I realized that she was talking about time.
#wordplay
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I don’t usually make mathematical puns unless I’m desperate.
But I’ll make one if I half two.
#wordplay
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Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?
He lies awake at night and wonders if there is a dog.
#oldbutgold
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What do British people say when they show concern for you?
U k?
#wordplay
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Two surveyors, George and Mike, are out hunting in the woods...
when they suddenly realize they've become hopelessly lost. They look every which way, but the only things they see all around them are trees.
Mike sits down on a fallen log, his rifle across his lap, and says to George "Well, we're lost. What are we gonna do now?"
George thinks for a second before pulling a grade stake and a sharpie from his back pocket. He writes "Benchmark" on one side of the stake and "Do Not Disturb" on the other side. Then, he uses the butt of his rifle to drive the stake into the ground. With that complete, he sits down next to Mike on the fallen log.
Mike looks from the stake to George and back again before saying "How the hell is that supposed to help us?!"
George just holds up one finger and says "Wait."
After a few minutes, the two men can hear a rumbling sound off in the distance. It slowly gets louder and louder until finally a huge bulldozer comes crashing through the trees. It runs right over the grade stake George had put in the ground before continuing on its path through the woods.
George points in the direction the bulldozer had come from and says "That way."
#other
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A person who likes to be around people is an extrovert. A person who doesn't like to be around people is an introvert. I like to be around cats.
Does that make me a purrvert?
#wordplay
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