13643
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Guy walks to a fridge and notices a note pinned with a little magnet saying "Sorry, Tim, but I'm leaving you. You are incredibly stupid".
The guy exclaims "Where the fuck do you think you are going!" and yanks the fridge's plug out.
#other
@Sickipedia
If someone found a bug in his bed and named it a bedbug
Then who the hell named a cockroach?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A husband and wife are awoken at 3 AM by a loud pounding on the door.
The husband looks out the bedroom window through the pouring rain, and sees a car he does not recognize parked on the street out front. He gets up to answer the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the rain, asks for a push.
"Not a chance!" says the husband, "Do you have any idea what time it is? Get lost!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asks his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he grumbles.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"Absolutely not. It's 3 AM and pouring rain outside. I told him to get lost."
His wife retorts, "Don't you remember about 3 months ago when we broke down and those two guys stopped to help us? That man needs your help and you just left him out there? You should be ashamed of yourself. Go and help him!"
"Fine." the husband mutters. He reluctantly gets dressed, goes downstairs and heads out into the pouring rain.
"Hello? Are you still there?" he calls out into the dark.
"Yes!" a voice calls back.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
The drunk replies, "Over here on the swing set!"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Algebra is like divorce.
You look at your "X" and wonder "Y".
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
For his 90th birthday, an old man's friends ordered him a prostitute.
She went to his house and knocked on the door. When he went to open it, she coyly said, "Hi, Birthday Boy! Your friends called and asked me to come over for some super sex!"
The 90 year old replied, "At my age, I think I'd like the soup."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Chuck Norris can make a Jewish mother feel guilty.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I went on a trip to Australia. The immigration officer asked "Do you have a criminal record?"
Shocked, I responded "Is that still a requirement?"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A Redneck bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Redneck baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard.
A woman fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the proud father of an amazing Redneck baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds." The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?" The father drank the bottle of whisky at one go, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Why was Dracula a bad CEO?
He was always fighting with the stakeholders!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
David had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out David's Last Will and Testament.
To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and two million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Lexus, the new Jaguar and $250,000.
To my daughter Shriley I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my little brother Aaron, who never worked a day in his life, was always asking me for money and always said I would forget him in my will... Hello Aaron.
#other
@Sickipedia
I’ve found an entry level job where you start with 4000 people beneath you
Of course working at a graveyard isn’t for everyone
#other
@Sickipedia
Guy goes into a brothel and says to the Madame, "I want something kinky!"
So she takes him to a room with a bare wood floor, and a tiny light bulb hanging on a string. In the middle is a milk crate with a chicken sitting on it.
Guy says, "Are you serious?"
Madame says, "You've already paid. I don't care what you do. Take it or leave it.
So he decides to go for it. He has a great time. The bird is clucking, flapping its wings, flailing its legs and the guy is loving it.
He goes back a few days later and asks for the same.
Madame says, "That room is booked solid today, but I have something else you'll like."
She takes him to a room where there's a bunch of people sitting around a two way mirror. On the other side of it is a huge lesbian orgy, with whips, chains, shaving cream and toys everywhere.
Guy sits down and says, "Wow this is amazing!"
Old man next to him replies, "You think this is amazing? Last week there was a guy in there fucking a chicken!"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I tried doing 100 sit-ups but I didn’t finish.
My stomach couldn’t handle that kind of ab use.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Chuck Norris has a bear skin rug in his house.
The bear isn't dead, it's just too afraid to move.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me." she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right once I get to hospital." the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands between his legs. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered the most tender and artful massage for several long minutes until he exploded in his pants. She smiled shyly and asked, "How does that feel?". "Feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I asked my wife, “What’s a three letter word for eggs?”
Her: It’s ova.
Me: Why? Because I suck at crosswords?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man parks his car next to Congress, when a police officer says...
Politics
"Sir, you can't park here, there are politicians working inside." And the man replies, "Oh, it's okay. I locked the door."
#politics
@Sickipedia
The president of the US is taking a tour of a hospital
On the first floor, they walk by a room where a man is masturbating furiously. The president says "oh my God! What is going on??" The tour guide explains "he has to do that 5 times a day. If he doesn't, he will die." The president says "oh my, feel so sorry for him! I will try to clear up some federal funds for people like him!"
They continue on to the second floor. They pass a room, and a nurse is giving a blowjob to a male patient. The president says "oh my! What's his problem?"
The tour guide says "he's got the same problem as the guy on floor one, but he's got better insurance."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A beautiful princess comes upon a frog in a meadow near her castle. The frog hops into the princess' lap and says,
"My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be happy doing so." That night, as the princess dines on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckles to herself, "I don't f**kin' think so."
#sexism
@Sickipedia
My wife said “what starts with F and ends with K..”
I said, no it doesn’t.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A fisherman caught a goldfish, the goldfish said that it will grant three wishes if the man frees him.
Fisherman really thinks about the wishes, he pulls out a cigarette and a lighter from his pocket and drops the lighter near the goldfish, he said '' My first wish is for you to pick it up and light my cigarette'' the fish is confused, but he doesn't really care, he's actually happy that it's a simple task.
The moment the fish bends over to pick it up, the man fucks it from behind, the fish is shocked but moves on and asks the man for the second wish, the man took the lighter, dropped it again and said '' My second wish is for you to pick it up and light my cigarette'', the goldfish can't believe what it's hearing, but is hungry for freedom, so it bends over to pick the lighter back up and in that moment the fisherman once again fucks it from behind.
The goldfish is stunned by the wishes, he gains courage and asks about the third wish, the man takes the lighter and once again drops it near the fish and says '' My third wish is for you to pick it up and light my cigarette'', the goldfish can't do anything but to grant it, it bends over and the man fucks it from behind the third time.
The goldfish is horrified, it turns to the man and says '' One day we will meet and I'll do the same as you did to me''
A few years later the goldfish dies, it is in hell, the very first thought that comes to its mind is the fisherman it met years ago, so the fish goes looking around for him, while doing that it comes across multiple huge pots where different people are boiling in, he explores a bit more and finally sees him, the fisherman is in a huge cold pot, just swimming around having a blast, the fish calls out Satan and asks him ''How come he is the only one who is not boiling in here? '' Satan turns to the goldfish and says '' There's the lighter and pick it the fuck up if you want to''
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
How do you know apple is run my men?
The iPhone 6+ is only 5.5 inches.
#sexism
@Sickipedia
I was waiting in line at the bank today.
There was a lady in front of me, of Asian descent,, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. She seemed just a little bit pissed off. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get three hundred dollar of yen. Today I only get two hundred fifty ? Why it change?"
The teller nonchalantly replied, "Fluctuations." to which the Asian lady replied, "Fluc you white people too!"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer.
I told her it's because I actually have a condition that's pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol.
#other
@Sickipedia
As the old lady is walking, out of one of the bags there is a hole and every so often a $20 bill falls out. After a while a police officer sees this and approached the lady to tell her that money is falling out of one of the bags. The old lady, thankful for the kindness of the police man, starts praising him for his good deed as she starts walking back gathering as many bills as she can.
The police officer, whilst helping her out, asks the old lady, "Hold on, where have you gotten all this money from? You didn't steal it did you?".
The old lady replies, "no no, of course not. My house is next to the sports stadium and bar, so every day when there is a sports game, after a while in the evening people come and relieve themselves on my flowerbeds, making a mess everywhere. So what i do is i hide behind the flowers with my hedge trimmers and whenever someone comes to piss on the flowers i tell them "give me a $20 or I'll snip it!', and thats where i got the money from.".
The police officer, amused, congratulates the old lady on her idea but asks "so what's in the other bag then?",
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
My friends always make fun of me for rambling about logical operators.
They better not do it again, or else!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
The wife is in labor and screaming in pain. The husband is holding her hand.
Husband: I’m very sorry you are going through this pain. Wife: Don’t worry about it, it’s not your fault.
#other
@Sickipedia
Why don't Americans like the Metric System?
Because they rejected a foreign ruler!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia