A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"
#other@Sickipedia
Did you hear about the banker that kept mostly to himself?
He was a loaner.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, " I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales."
The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, "
" Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son."
#other@Sickipedia
The difference between cocaine and meth is
Coke is what you do when you want to go out and dance. But meth is what you do when you want to conquer all of Europe in four days.
#other@Sickipedia
A shark can swim faster than me…
But I can run faster than a shark, so in a triathlon it would all come down to who is a better cyclist.
#other@Sickipedia
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
#other@Sickipedia
Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!
And the woman was thinking to herself: My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
Did you know adam and eve owned a computer?
It was an apple but it was so bad that just 1 byte and everything would crash
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What does 6.9 and a vagina have in common ?
They're good things ruined by a period.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What do supportive fathers and unsupportive fathers have in common when they have a trans daughter?
“I have no son.”
#other@Sickipedia
I named my daughter after my mother-in-law.
Raving Psycho will soon be a year old.
#roast@Sickipedia
The guy who picked on me all through high school and then became a millionaire just placed a delivery order at KFC.
Now I get the last laugh. I gave him original recipe and he ordered extra crispy. Checkmate John, you fucking loser
#other@Sickipedia
My family recently discovered Grandpa is taking Viagra.
We were all rather surprised, but Grandma has been taking it hard.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My son’s teacher thinks my son has a low IQ judging by his homework.
That’s absurd! My son is perfectly normal! I did his homework.
#roast@Sickipedia
My wife texted me this morning and said, “Your great”. I replied, “No, you’re great”. She’s been in a great mood ever since.
I should correct her grammar more often.
#other@Sickipedia
My girlfriend asked me if I could imagine what it'd be like to have a vagina.
I said no I cunt.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Coffee has been banned in France.
You probably haven’t heard because the French press isn’t covering the story.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I beat a kid in a video game and told them I banged their mom last night
My son was very upset.
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
Linkedin is the complete opposite of Tinder
On linkedin beautiful girls message nerdy guys without getting any replies.
#other@Sickipedia
A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. "How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
My girlfriend just dumped me. She said in a teary tirade: “I can’t take your shit any more. You’re so pedantic. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you....
.... I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”
She was about to close the door when I yelled “No, no….waaait”
She turned back, tears in her eyes, a glimmer of hope still remained.
That was when I uttered those three magic words. “Gary and I”
#other@Sickipedia
I took a urine test at the hospital this morning.
My kleptomania is really pissing people off.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My wife told the therapist, “I’m sick of him taking everything literally.”
Therapist, to me: Do you know what she means?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says "Terror".
Then I can say to people "Look, it's a terrorwrist!"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
In other news, Bill Nye’s daughter, Dee, has come out as a flat earther and anti-vaxxer. She’s even started an organization to help support her “research.”
The Dee Nye Science Foundation
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Once there was a king that was only 12 inches tall...
He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?” The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.” The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.” “No, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?” “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I told my doctor "I broke my arm in two places"
Doctor says "You probably shouldn't go back to those places"
#other@Sickipedia