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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I beat a kid in a video game and told them I banged their mom last night
My son was very upset.
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
Linkedin is the complete opposite of Tinder
On linkedin beautiful girls message nerdy guys without getting any replies.
#other@Sickipedia
A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. "How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
What is twice as dangerous as a polar bear?
A bipolar bear
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My girlfriend just dumped me. She said in a teary tirade: “I can’t take your shit any more. You’re so pedantic. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you....
.... I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”
She was about to close the door when I yelled “No, no….waaait”
She turned back, tears in her eyes, a glimmer of hope still remained.
That was when I uttered those three magic words. “Gary and I”
#other@Sickipedia
I took a urine test at the hospital this morning.
My kleptomania is really pissing people off.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My wife told the therapist, “I’m sick of him taking everything literally.”
Therapist, to me: Do you know what she means?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says "Terror".
Then I can say to people "Look, it's a terrorwrist!"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
In other news, Bill Nye’s daughter, Dee, has come out as a flat earther and anti-vaxxer. She’s even started an organization to help support her “research.”
The Dee Nye Science Foundation
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Once there was a king that was only 12 inches tall...
He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?” The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.” The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.” “No, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?” “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I told my doctor "I broke my arm in two places"
Doctor says "You probably shouldn't go back to those places"
#other@Sickipedia
Over 20% of automobile accidents in Northern Ontario are caused by moose.
I say don’t let them drive.
#other@Sickipedia
Why do astronauts use Linux?
Because you can't open windows in space
#wordplay@Sickipedia
The difference between cocaine and meth is
Coke is what you do when you want to go out and dance. But meth is what you do when you want to conquer all of Europe in four days.
#other@Sickipedia
A shark can swim faster than me…
But I can run faster than a shark, so in a triathlon it would all come down to who is a better cyclist.
#other@Sickipedia
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
#other@Sickipedia
Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!
And the woman was thinking to herself: My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
Did you know adam and eve owned a computer?
It was an apple but it was so bad that just 1 byte and everything would crash
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What does 6.9 and a vagina have in common ?
They're good things ruined by a period.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What do supportive fathers and unsupportive fathers have in common when they have a trans daughter?
“I have no son.”
#other@Sickipedia
I named my daughter after my mother-in-law.
Raving Psycho will soon be a year old.
#roast@Sickipedia
The guy who picked on me all through high school and then became a millionaire just placed a delivery order at KFC.
Now I get the last laugh. I gave him original recipe and he ordered extra crispy. Checkmate John, you fucking loser
#other@Sickipedia
My family recently discovered Grandpa is taking Viagra.
We were all rather surprised, but Grandma has been taking it hard.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My son’s teacher thinks my son has a low IQ judging by his homework.
That’s absurd! My son is perfectly normal! I did his homework.
#roast@Sickipedia
My wife texted me this morning and said, “Your great”. I replied, “No, you’re great”. She’s been in a great mood ever since.
I should correct her grammar more often.
#other@Sickipedia
Wife: "I can't believe you went to a prostitute to have sex."
Husband: "What did you expect? We'd been doing nothing for months..."
Wife: "You could have told me you were willing to pay."
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
Whenever I tell someone I slept like a baby they always seem pleased.
I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming and covered in my own piss.
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
#wordplay@Sickipedia