13644
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Once you accept that gravity exists everything falls into place.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
“There are no words in the English language that have all the vowels in alphabetical order,” he said facetiously.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I programmed a pirate game, but users said, the main character looks not enough like a pirate.
There will be a patch soon.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked, “Are you going to put that up yourself?”
I said, “No, I’m putting it up in the living room.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
It's quite ironic that "strap on", backwards, spells 'no parts'.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
The thief who stole my iPhone could face time in prison!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A father and his son were hanging out in the living room watching TV
When a sex scene started, the father told his son, “Son, it’s time for you to go bed.”
The son replied, “C’mon dad, I’m already fifteen.”
The dad answered, “I don’t care how old you are… you are not going to watch me jerk off!”
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I learned Morse code and then I couldn't sleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
#other
@Sickipedia
A guy and a parrot sit down on an airplane.
The guy find it weird, but if people can bring dogs, you can also bring parrots, he thinks.
Moments later, comes the flight attendant:
Good evening can I serve you anything?
The parrot says:
Bring a nice cold beer you whore!
The attendant is startled by it, but well, the client is always right.
She then comes back with beer. The parrot chugs it and say again:
Now Im the mood for some wine, bring me a red wine you bitch!
The man seeing the opportunity says:
Can you bring me a glass of water please? Thank you
The attendant grabs the wine, but forgets the glass of water, she comes back and the parrot says:
Goddammit your piece of shit, I've told you already I dont like dry wine, bring me a sweet one
And the guy says:
-And bring my water please? Just a small glass, pretty please
Then she goes back to the bar grabs the wine, but forgets the water again, as she walks back, the guy, annoyed, tries to use the parrot tactic and says
Jesus fucking christ you stupid bitch, I've told two times already to bring me my water!
The attendant is done with it:
Thats it! I wont tolerate this treatment no more!
She then goes to the pilot and tell him about the parrot and the man, the pilot goes to the both of them and says:
You two are cursing everybody in this airplane? Thats it you are out
He then grabs both, open the door and kicks them out of the airplane
As both of them are falling the parrot says:
Damn bro, for someone that doesnt have wings you're really fucking brave!
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
What do you get when you cross a hippie and a ninja?
Peace and quiet.
#other
@Sickipedia
My kid showed a drawing he made of his breakfast titled "Bacon and Egsg".
I said, "great picture, but you have a spelling error that can't be fixed."
"Why can't it be fixed?"
"Well, son, there's just no way to unscramble eggs."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I'm not sure why my dog rushes to the front door every time someone knocks.
I mean, it's almost never for him.
#other
@Sickipedia
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night
This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house?
Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Man addicted to drinking brake fluid claims he can stop anytime he wants.
#other
@Sickipedia
The word "misread" can be misread as "misread".
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Together, I can beat schizophrenia!
#other
@Sickipedia
What are two things you can never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner.
#other
@Sickipedia
I've lived my entire life being absolutely positive that I'd never receive a phone call from a vegetable. Then, BOOM
Onion Rings.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Did you know if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg, you can actually hear them say, “What the hell are you doing?”
#other
@Sickipedia
If there's one thing that makes me throw up, it's a dart board on a ceiling.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
For all the single people on this feed thinking of getting married, here are the pros and cons.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
#other
@Sickipedia
The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Anything can be a UFO...
if you're really bad at identifying things.
#other
@Sickipedia
Why don't foot fetishists win races?
They love the smell of defeat.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A traveling salesman's car breaks down way out in farm country late in the evening.
Luckily he's not too far from a quaint little farmhouse, so he goes and knocks on the door. The farmer and his wife answer the door, quite sympathetic to the salesman's plight.
They let him use their phone to call a tow company. Unfortunately the truck couldn't come out until morning, so the couple offer to let him stay with them overnight. They don't have a guest room, but their bed is large enough to fit three comfortably, so the salesman accepts gratefully.
A couple hours after going to bed, the wife turns to the salesman and whispers, "I want you!"
He answers, "But your husband is right there!"
She replies, "Pluck a hair from his butt. If he doesn't wake up, we can do it."
He plucks a hair; the farmer doesn't stir, and they quietly have sex.
A couple hours later, she says "I want you again!"
He plucks another hair from the farmer's butt, getting no reaction, so they have sex again.
Another couple hours later, she says, "I want you one last time before you go!"
And as the salesman reaches to pluck a hair, the farmer tiredly says, "Look, man, I don't mind if you do my wife, but could you please stop using my ass as a scoreboard?"
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A captain aboard a battleship spots a light in the distance in the battleship's path.
Not wanting there to be a collision, he radios the source of the light: "Change your course ten degrees south."
The response is quick: "Change your course ten degrees north."
His pride slightly damaged, the captain responds testily: "I am an admiral, first class! Change your course ten degrees south!"
The response: "I am a lieutenant, second class. Change your course ten degrees north."
Now losing his patience, the captain angrily radios: "Change your course ten degrees south! I'm in a battleship!"
Comes the answer: "Change your course ten degrees north sir, I'm in a lighthouse."
#other
@Sickipedia
Boeing does not make airplanes anymore.
It makes errorplanes.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What's The biggest fear of Zeus?
Child support
#other
@Sickipedia