15217
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
What's black and white and red all over?
A nun caught watching porn.
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
I warned my friend to not play Russian Roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
I went to the hairdressers and said, “Can I have a haircut like Tom Cruise?”
So they gave me a cushion to sit on.
#other@Sickipedia
Helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative?
Sure, but what does "ternative" mean?
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
I was watching some vintage porn last night when my wife walked in. That was a shock...
I didn't even know she used to work in the porn industry
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
The punchline comes before the joke.
You know why I hate time travel jokes?
#other
@Sickipedia
I am on a train and the guy collecting tickets wants to charge me extra because he heard me telling dad jokes
I told him that's not fare!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
How do you circumsize a Redneck?
Kick his sister in the chin.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
My math teacher said I was just average
That's mean
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Why is there a K instead of a C in "dark"?
Because you can't c in the dark.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
The guy who invented umbrella was originally going to call it "brella"
But he hesitated
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My girlfriend is my rock
When I need her, she just stays there and does nothing.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
An old couple are sitting in church when the old woman turns to her husband and says “I just let out a silent fart what should I do?”
The Husband says “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A woman is playing with her one year old baby. “You’re so lucky… you slept, you ate, you played, you pooped, and then you slept again.”
Her husband’s voice from the bathroom: “Hey, it’s my day off!”
#other
@Sickipedia
A guy is walking around town when he sees a bar with a sign advertising "All the Beer You Can Drink for $1!"
He thinks that's a great deal so he goes in, sits down, hands the bartender a dollar, and asks for a beer.
"Sure, right away" says the bartender as he pulls out a tiny shot glass and fills it up halfway.
The man is stunned. "What the hell is this?" he asks.
"That's all the beer you can drink for $1."
#other
@Sickipedia
I told my date I didn’t like her talking about her late boyfriend
She told me she’d stop whenever I start showing up on time.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I'm furious that I can't write out 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.
In fact, I M LI VI D.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I couldn't help but notice the help wanted sign outside the bar."
"Our piano player unexpectedly died last week," says the bartender, "so we've been looking for a new one on short notice."
"Well, the timing seems to have worked perfectly!" says the guy. "I got fired from my job a week ago, and I don't like to brag, but I consider myself a pretty good piano player. I even wrote a few songs."
The guy sits down at the piano and starts to play a song.
"That's a very nice song you're playing," says the bartender.
"Thanks," says the guy. "I call it 'I Just Threw Up on my New Shirt'. It's the first song I ever wrote." Then he starts to play another song. "Of all the songs I've ever written, this is my favourite. I call it 'Holes in my Underwear'."
"I'm willing to hire you on one condition," says the bartender. "When you play your songs, don't announce the titles." The guy agrees to the condition and is hired.
A few days later, the guy is playing the piano at the bar. After finishing a song, he gets up to use the bathroom. When he comes back, everyone in the bar stares at him in shock. For a moment, there is complete silence.
Finally, someone says, "Do you know your fly is open?"
"Know it?" comes the reply. "I wrote it!"
#other@Sickipedia
Me: "Dad, do you know the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?"
Dad: "No."
Me: "So it was you."
#other
@Sickipedia
My wife said she is divorcing me saying that I was to un-American.
Saw it coming from a kilometer away.
#other
@Sickipedia
Why does ten plus ten equal eleven plus eleven?
Because ten plus ten equals twenty and eleven plus eleven equals twenty too
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My friend told me that he never heard of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity before today.
I said, “It’s about time!”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I asked my GF if she likes 6 inch or 12 inch
She got offended and said it is a matter of personal choice. Going to Subway for a sandwich can be difficult.
#other
@Sickipedia
A customer in an Italian restaurant is so pleased with his meal that he insists on telling the chef personally. The owner proudly leads him into the kitchen. “Your pizza is superb,” the customer tells the chef. “I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there.” “Naturally,” the chef says. “Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!”
#other
@Sickipedia
Sugar is the only word in English language in which "Su" is pronounced as "Shu".
I am pretty sure about it.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Women are refusing to sleep with men now that trump got re-elected
Apparently, my wife predicted the election two years ago!
#other
@Sickipedia
Got drunk and made a pass at my girlfriend's mom and now my girlfriend's furious.
She yelled: "Why the fuck did you just throw that football at my mom?!"
#worpdplay
@Sickipedia
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My favorite sex position is the JFK
It's when I splatter all over her face as she screams and tries to get out of the car.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I always get asked why I only sing when the car is in reverse.
I always tell them that it's because I'm a backup singer.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia