15217
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Chinese takeout: $10. Tip: $2. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
Riceless.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Recently my Girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back
And I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
They say during Sex you burn as many calories as running 5k race
Who runs a 5k in less than a minute?
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Einstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.
Einstein: “Tell me what you need. I’m here to help.”
Wife: “I just need two things right now: some space and time.”
Einstein: “Ok, so what’s the second thing?”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Do you know how long fish should be cooked?
Probably the same as short fish.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What do you call a shitty poem?
Pooetic
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What becomes shorter when you add two letters?
Short
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A woman came up to me and hit on me right in front of my wife.
She told me I was handsome and that I smell nice, asked me what kind of cologne I was using.
I said thank you, my wife bought it for me. It's called "leave-me-the-fa-cologne."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I've discovered the secret to happiness. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs or cheat on my girlfriend. Do you know what I do instead?
I lie.
#other
@Sickipedia
He gently slid her panties to one side...
So the rest of her socks would fit in the drawer
#other
@Sickipedia
If cardboard had a favorite sport, what would it be?
Boxing
#worpdplay
@Sickipedia
Cop pulls over a man and says
“You were driving on the wrong side of the road.”
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit??
#other
@Sickipedia
If we remove all of the margarine on Earth …
The world will be a butter place.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Me and my friends started a band it’s called 999 megabytes
We still don’t have a gig
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My wife complain that I only last for like two minutes in bed..
But it was in doggystyle, so that's like 14 minutes in dog minutes?!
#other
@Sickipedia
What is the worst insult you can say to a ghost?
Get a life!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A woman breaks up with a man with a small penis. His friends were amazed he didn't seem hurt or phased by the breakup.
It's okay," he said. "I wasn't that into her."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Programmer's handbook for seniors - The Old Man and the C.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
then Soviet
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I know a surgeon who puts organs back in upside down.
I told him that’s not funny, but he said it was an inside joke.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism ! It’s a light sentence but it gives them time to reflect!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Teacher: What’s the chemical formula for water? Student: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O. Teacher: How did you get that?
Well yesterday you said it was H to O
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My girlfriend called and said to me in a sexy voice “You should come over, no one is home”. So I went over….
No one was home.
#other
@Sickipedia
I don’t know why some people complain that games have too much LGBTQ+ content these days.
Every game you’ve ever played has come out.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I accidentally handed my girlfriend the glue stick instead of the chap stick.
She still isn’t speaking with me
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Orion's belt is a huge waist of space.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I just asked my 9 year old son what he learned in school today
He said “apparently not enough because I have to go back tomorrow”.
#other
@Sickipedia
A man walked into a Men's Warehouse and an employee asked if he needed any help trying on suits. He said "No thanks."
The employee said "suit yourself."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Stop looking for the perfect match
use a lighter!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia