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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Getting a haircut is sort of like having sex
You never want to hear someone say "uh oh" during it
#other
@Sickipedia
Apparently there are 3 marriage rings
The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
#wordplay
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My friend: "Bro, you want this pamphlet?"
Me: "Brochure"
#wordplay
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I paid $500 for a belt
It was a huge waist
#wordplay
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The sweet thing my wife says every time after sex:
Happy Birthday!
#sexandshit
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I walked into the bottle-o, the guy behind the counter asked, "Do you need help?"
I replied, "Yes, but I will take the Whiskey instead."
#oldbutgold
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Today, my optometrist told me that my prescription had worsened significantly.
I did not see that coming.
#wordplay
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What game do most of us play during working hours?
Call Of Duty
#wordplay
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Did you hear uber have a new food delivery service via catapult?
Uber yeets
#wordplay
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My religious girlfriend keeps going on about how God is everywhere. But one day I caught her out.
During some energetic sex I accidently thrust into the wrong hole causing her to scream out
“Oh GOD not in there”.
#wordplay
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Strong people don't put others down.
They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
#other
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The Englishman says “I will die for honor.”
The Frenchman says “I will die for liberty.”
The Spaniard says “I will die for God.”
The Russian says “I will die.”
#russians
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Me: "I am so tired of this workout."
Trainer: "that was the tour of the gym”
#other
@Sickipedia
Shrek was cursed by an evil witch...
The curse forced him to be unable to speak without singing.
Unsure of what to do, Shrek visited Juan the Wizard in the neighboring swamp. Juan told Shrek he'd need to make a potion from toadstools, eye of newt, and the bones of the freshly deceased.
Shrek said he could handle the toadstools and eye of newt but he refused to kill an innocent person to solve his problem.
Juan understood and said that for a modest fee he would break into the nearby morgue and steal one for him. Shrek agreed.
The following day Juan the Wizard delivered as promised. After he left, Shrek began to prepare the potion in a large cauldron. Just as he was about to add the cadaver, Donkey burst through the door.
Mortified, he screamed, "Shrek! What the hell is that?"
Shrek turned and sang, "Some body Juan stole me."
#wordplay
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Doctor: Your wife is in hospital.
Husband: How is she?
Doctor: She's critical!
Husband: Yeah you get used to that.
#wordplay
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Nothing worse than after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging there. Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started!
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
How many friendzoned guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they just compliment it and get pissed that it won’t screw.
#other
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What's the difference between a cougar and a leopard?
A leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree.
A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.
#worpdlay
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Dentist: "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
Patient: "I heard you the first time. You didn't have to say it twice."
Dentist: "I didn't. That was my echo."
#other
@Sickipedia
It's always so awkward when you're watching a movie with your parents and a sex scene comes on
Really ruined my family's screening of Backdoor Anal Sluts 5.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
My buddy said he's ambidextrous.
I said that must be pretty handy.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A woman is milking a cow when an angry bull busts loose and goes charging across the field straight for her.
A farmhand sees what is happening and starts yelling and waving his arms to warn her. The bull is charging, the farmhand is screaming his head off, but the woman just keeps milking the cow. At the last moment before she is trampled and gored, the bull checks up, lowers his head, and skulks off in another direction while she keeps on milking.
Seeing this, the astonished farmhand runs up and says, “Wow! I thought you were dead for sure! Weren’t you afraid of that bull?”
And she says, “I would have been, but this cow is his mother in law.”
#other
@Sickipedia
My wife gazed at me and bit her lip seductively.
Unfortunately it was her top lip so she just looked like a piranha.
#other
@Sickipedia
Leonardo DiCaprio, sitting on a park bench, watching a 26 year old girl walking by
he says, "I bet she was a looker in her day"
#other
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I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do.
And for the people who like country music, denigrate means "put down".
#other
@Sickipedia
Do you think Pavlov thought about feeding his dog every time he heard a bell ring?
#other
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What's the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant?
one is pho profit and the other is naan profit
#wordplay
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A pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand and an eyepatch walks into a bar.
The bartender says to him, "If you don't mind my asking, how'd you get that peg leg?"
The pirate answers, "Well, matey, I was knocked overboard during a terrible storm. I spent several hours clinging to a piece of flotsam before me ship found me, but not before a shark took me leg."
The bartender nods and asks, "What about the hook hand?"
The pirate answers, "A few months after I lost me leg, we were boarded by some Royal Marines. I got into a swordfight with one of them, and he managed to take me hand, but I took his life."
To complete the trifecta, the bartender asks, "and the eyepatch?"
An embarrassed look comes over the pirate's face, and he sheepishly says: "...A seagull pooped in me eye."
The bartender looks at him in confusion. "And you have to wear a patch because of that?"
The pirate rubs the back of his neck with his good hand. "Erm, kind of... it was me first day with the hook."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
What does a terrorist say when feeding their baby?
Here comes the plane!
#other
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What is another name for Anal Bleaching?
Changing your Ringtone
#wordplay
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