15217
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes, and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?"
I responded,
"The gas, electric, and cable company."
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
How do we know that Mike Tyson isn't very religious?
He punches people in the faith.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of 21-year-old whiskey.
He takes a sip, then immediately spits it out.
“I asked for a 21-year-old whiskey! This is only 18 years. I’m not paying for this! Bring me a 12-year-old cognac instead.”
The bartender complies, but again,
the man spits it out.
“This is only 10 years old! I’m not paying for that either!”
Frustrated after several rounds of the same routine, the bartender pours another drink and says,
"This one’s on the house."
The man takes a sip, spits it out once more.
"This tastes like piss!"
The bartender sighs and replies,
"Alright, genius, now guess how old I am?"
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
An Amazon driver stopped and asked me what time it was today.
I told him it was between 9am and 3pm.
#other@Sickipedia
Who was the least guilty American president?
Lincoln. He's in a cent.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My wife said she would leave me if didn’t stop making jokes about European cities.
I’m determined not Toulouse her.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Doctor said the bad news is that my organs are all shutting down since I've only been eating dried, salted meats
But the good news is that I'm cured.
cured meat - вяленое мясо
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.
Finally my school karate classes became useful.
#other@Sickipedia
My professor farted in front of the whole class today
I would have preferred a private tutor
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I told my date I didn’t like her talking about her late boyfriend
She told me she’d stop whenever I start showing up on time.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I'm furious that I can't write out 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.
In fact, I M LI VI D.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I couldn't help but notice the help wanted sign outside the bar."
"Our piano player unexpectedly died last week," says the bartender, "so we've been looking for a new one on short notice."
"Well, the timing seems to have worked perfectly!" says the guy. "I got fired from my job a week ago, and I don't like to brag, but I consider myself a pretty good piano player. I even wrote a few songs."
The guy sits down at the piano and starts to play a song.
"That's a very nice song you're playing," says the bartender.
"Thanks," says the guy. "I call it 'I Just Threw Up on my New Shirt'. It's the first song I ever wrote." Then he starts to play another song. "Of all the songs I've ever written, this is my favourite. I call it 'Holes in my Underwear'."
"I'm willing to hire you on one condition," says the bartender. "When you play your songs, don't announce the titles." The guy agrees to the condition and is hired.
A few days later, the guy is playing the piano at the bar. After finishing a song, he gets up to use the bathroom. When he comes back, everyone in the bar stares at him in shock. For a moment, there is complete silence.
Finally, someone says, "Do you know your fly is open?"
"Know it?" comes the reply. "I wrote it!"
#other@Sickipedia
Me: "Dad, do you know the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?"
Dad: "No."
Me: "So it was you."
#other
@Sickipedia
My wife said she is divorcing me saying that I was to un-American.
Saw it coming from a kilometer away.
#other
@Sickipedia
Why does ten plus ten equal eleven plus eleven?
Because ten plus ten equals twenty and eleven plus eleven equals twenty too
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A young couple is watching a movie in a movie theater.
She: "I think the guy next to me is jerking off."" He: "Why would you think that?" She: "He's using my hand."
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
A receptionist is sitting at a doctors office when a priest walks up to her window and says I’m here for an 8:30 appointment
She finds his appointment and says “well it seems everything is in order but we don’t seem to have an emergency contact for you” to which he responds “I do not require one, if my lord and savior has plans for me there is no one to contact, for he knows where I am”
she agrees and he takes his seat a few minutes later a monk walks up and says “I’m here for an 8:45 appointment” she says “ I see your appointment but it seems that you don’t have a preferred pharmacist chosen, where would you like to fill your prescriptions?”
And he replies “that is not necessary as I will meditate and heal my body without western medicine” and she agrees.
A few minutes later a rabbit hops up to the counter and says “Im here for an appointment at 9:00” she looks in the schedule and says “I see your appointment but we don’t have your blood type” he looks at the priest and monk and says “I think I’m a type o”
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Breaking news: Scientists have finally discovered how the ancient Egyptians built the Great Pyramid.
Turns out, the Pharaoh placed the first block himself, then got two guys to place the next two blocks, telling them they'd get a cut if they found four guys to place the next four blocks, who then found eight guys to place the next eight blocks, who found sixteen guys to place the next sixteen blocks...
#other@Sickipedia
My girlfriend dumped me while going up in an elevator.
It hurt me on many levels.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My doctor told me that I was going deaf.
That news was hard to hear
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender points to a sign that says, "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks them to leave. They head out without a word.
The next day, a horse walks in. Same deal—bartender points to the sign, and with a long face, the horse leaves.
The following day, a chicken walks in. The bartender points to the sign again and says, "Sorry, no jokes served here."
The chicken, annoyed, asks, "Fine, but where can I get a drink?"
#other@Sickipedia
Cigarettes are like Linkin Park
It starts with one
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I met a girl who said she wouldn’t date me because I used a dumb phone.
So I texted her back 222666666555066655022999333333.
#other@Sickipedia
not sure about the original version of this joke, but the working one is 22266666655506665502299933, which is COOL OK BYE
What's black and white and red all over?
A nun caught watching porn.
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
I warned my friend to not play Russian Roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
I went to the hairdressers and said, “Can I have a haircut like Tom Cruise?”
So they gave me a cushion to sit on.
#other@Sickipedia
Helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative?
Sure, but what does "ternative" mean?
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
I was watching some vintage porn last night when my wife walked in. That was a shock...
I didn't even know she used to work in the porn industry
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
The punchline comes before the joke.
You know why I hate time travel jokes?
#other
@Sickipedia
I am on a train and the guy collecting tickets wants to charge me extra because he heard me telling dad jokes
I told him that's not fare!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia