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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
All i do is crush cans all day
It's sodapressing
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
When the staff won’t let me on the airplane, my instinct is to become violent. Please don't judge me for it.
We all have a fight or flight response.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
In England, what is the most commonly used letter?
‘N’ - it appears twice.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I asked my wife what she wants for our anniversary, she said "a divorce."
I said, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
#boomerhumor
@Sickipedia
What do you call a man married to 4 musician wives?
Has band
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
"You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the world will get $100,000. Are you taking it?"
Me: "Of course! Why wouldn't I want $150,000?"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have a glass of h two o". The second says "I'll have a glass of h two o too".
Walks into a bar
They both get a glass of water because the bartender isn't a moron, and anyway what kind of bar even keeps hydrogen peroxide let alone sell it by the glass?
#other
@Sickipedia
Someone complimented my parking today.
There was a note on my windscreen that said "Parking Fine".
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals
It’s pointless
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
How does a male chemist flirt with a female chemist?
He says, "U and I are on the periodic table."
And how does the female chemist brush off the male one?
She says, "So is He."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man at the beach asked the lifeguard how he had so many pretty girls flocking around him. The lifeguard offered this advice “When you come to the beach, put a potato in your swim trunks”. The next day he approached the lifeguard asking why it is not working for him. “Next time, put the potato in front…”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Two Russians meet in the gulag:
How much did you get?
10 years.
And what did you do?
Nothing!
You're a liar. For nothing you only get 5 years.
#russians
@Sickipedia
What's the best part of dating a deaf girl?
She can still talk dirty with your cock in her mouth.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I just watched a documentary on marijuana...
I think all documentaries should be watched this way
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I’ve been told that icy is the easiest word to spell. Now that I’m looking at it…
I see why
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Most guys have a fantasy of having sex with 2 women at once...
I have fantasy's of having sex with 1 woman twice.
#other
@Sickipedia
There are many deaths caused by alcohol, but that's fine ...
... because the number of pregnancies caused by alcohol outweighs the deaths.
#other
@Sickipedia
If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books,
it spells out a secret message…
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My wife: "Are you drinking again?!"
Me: "No, it's just tea"
Wife: "Oh yeah?! What kind of tea?"
Me: "Tea... quila"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Do you know the difference between orphans and apples?
Apple gets picked.
#other
@Sickipedia
So a Termite walks into a bar and asks
"Is the bar tender here?"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Her: I’m sick of him misunderstanding every single thing.
Therapist, to me: What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
When you die people cry and beg for you to come back
but, when you do, they freak out
#other
@Sickipedia
What did the graphics card say to the monitor during sex?
"Maybe we should switch to a different position because 69 Hz."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Why are men more patriotic than women?
Because they were born with the pro-state gland.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sexy cousin.
It tastes the same but it just ain't right.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
25 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash!
I pray nothing happens to Alan Cumming!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.
Due to a clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven.
When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven.
The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?"
"Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary."
"Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."
#sexandhit
@Sickipedia
I've changed my name legally to become complete a new person
But they always ask me for my first name, doesn't matter wherever I go!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia