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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Someone stole my car last night but left their mobile phone in the parking space.
Went from Kia to Nokia overnight.
#wordplay
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My wife absolutely hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.
Personally, I'm on the fence.
#wordplay
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A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband and says, "I shaved down there; you know what that means?"
The husband responds, "Yeah, the drain is clogged."
#other
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Professor X: What’s your mutant superpower? New X-Men recruit: Hindsight Professor X: That won’t help us at all
Mutant: Yes, I can see that now
#other
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A guy goes to the doctor in a distressed state. He pulls down his pants and bends over and there piece of lettuce sticking out of his asshole.
The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "Ugh, that's nasty!"
Man, "Sorry Doc, but that's just the tip of the iceberg"
#wordplay
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I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: "Don't go in there! Don't go in the church, you moron!"
She was watching our wedding video again.
#oldbutgold
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What music genre do scissors not like?
Rock
#wordplay
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A guy wakes up with a massive hangover and stumbles into the kitchen, where he finds his wife.
“Hey, honey, did you upgrade the bathroom?” he asks.
“Why do you ask?” she replies, curious.
“Well, I opened the bathroom door, the light turned on by itself, and a cool breeze blew right into my face! It was amazing!”
His wife glares at him and says, “So you’re the idiot who pissed in the fridge last night!”
#other
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With great power comes a huge electric bill.
#wordplay
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My Grandma just discovered Kanye West and she loves him.
She's so excited. And I told her "look. I get it. He makes amazing music and he's really talented. But he's said a lot of bad things about black people and some horrible things about Jews." And she replied "Wait. He makes music? "
#other
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"What actually is ghee?" I asked my Indian friend.
"It's butter," he clarified.
#wordplay
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What did one frog say to the other frog?
Time’s fun when you’re having flies!
#wordplay
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I was flirting with the most gorgeous woman at the bar last night. At one point I told her “Believe it or not, I have the most famous last name in all of Ireland.”
She smiled and replied, “Oh really?” And I’m like “how did you know?!”
#wordplay
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Hi, I'm a termite and my name is Clint.
Clint Eatswood.
#wordplay
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My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now
#other
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Did you all hear about the guy that died in a coffee factory? He fell into a vat of hot coffee.
He didn’t suffer though. It was instant.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man poked his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long until I can get a haircut?"
Glancing at the full shop, the barber replied, "Around 2 hours." The man left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
#other
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What’s the difference between a newly married man, and a newly single man?
The one kisses the Mrs.
The other misses the kisses.
#wordplay
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"Will you marry me?" Is a marriage proposal
"Will, You, Mary, Me" is a foursome proposal
#wordplay
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What do you get when you cross Keanu Reeves with Kanye West?
A Neo Nazi.
#other
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A reporter heard that a man in town was turning 101 years old and went to interview him. He asked him "What's the secret to your long life?"
The old man said "The secret to long life is clean living: never drink alcohol, never smoke, never use foul language."
Just then they heard a commotion and string of expletives coming from the foyer. "Who's that?" the reporter asked.
"Oh, that's just my older brother coming home drunk from the cigar shop again."
#other
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How do you say non-binary in Italian?
Non-binaro or non-binara, based on gender
#other
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Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
#wordplay
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I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It's an oughtobiography.
#wordplay
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Recently my Girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back
And I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
#wordplay
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Two women friends run into each other on the street…
1: “Omg, it’s so good to see you! How have you been?”
2: “Not too bad. Just feeling a little bit under the weather.”
1: “What’s wrong?”
2: “Oh, it’s nothing really, just a sore throat.”
1: “You know, I actually have a trick for that. Whenever I have a sore throat, I go to my husband, and perform a bl*wjob on him. And I go down on him hard. It really does help. You should definitely try that.”
2: “I will. Thanks for the tip!”
They say goodbyes, and go their separate ways.
The very next day they run into each other again…
1: “How is your throat?”
2: “I gotta tell you, your advice actually helped. But your husband was very surprised when I showed up, and told him that you were okay with it."
#sexandshit
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My husband told me: "You are the kind of woman they write books about".
Turns out it's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition.
#other
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A friend of mine traded his car in for a phone.
Now he's got Nokia.
#wordplay
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My brother named his son after our father which I wanted to do so, I changed my name to my brothers name.
Now we're Evan.
#wordplay
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All i do is crush cans all day
It's sodapressing
#wordplay
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