15217
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A 15 year old girl goes out with her friends
She says to her mom: "Mom! I'm going out with my friends." Mom: "OK, don't forget to wear protection" Her: "Mom, I'm 15!"
Mom: "I'm 30"
#sexandshit
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So David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. "Ma", he said to his Mother, "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance."
Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him. "It's that one", said his mother, without blinking an eye. "Holy cow", exclaimed David, "how in the world did you know it was her?" "I just don't like her", she replied.
#other
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A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp.
The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, "Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts." The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first. The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink 'before the trouble starts.'
After several rounds of this, the bartender says, "Look Sailor, you've been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?" The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. "The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don't have any money."
#other
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If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
#wordplay
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First soldier: “Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?” Second soldier: “No way, Jose!”
First soldier: “Whyever not?” Second soldier: “It’s against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!”
#wordplay
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Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on!’
She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems.
"Hmm", said Mike. He thought that might be good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Jane, "Here try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jane took off her pants, and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here, you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Jane said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."
#other
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My wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
#oldbutgold
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A man goes in for a prostate exam...
The man takes off his pants and the proctologist goes, "I can't believe I'm about to say this, it's completely unprofessional, but I have to say... You must have the nicest ass I've seen in my entire life!"
The man timidly responds, "thank... you?"
Doc goes, "mind if I numb it a bit before the procedure?"
Man says, "uhh, okay?" The doctor takes a deep breath, leans in and goes, "num num num num num num."
#sexandshit
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If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that
I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
#other
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I asked my mom If I was an accident.
She said, "No, of course not. Your brother was the accident. You were a mistake".
#roast
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In english, they have a word that roughly translates to "i'm surrounded by water, but I'm still breathing" and i think that's beautiful.
Scuba.
#other
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At a man’s funeral, the widow asked if anyone would like to say a word.
The first person stands up and says, “Plethora.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That means a lot.”
The next person stands up and says, “Earth.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That means the world.”
The next person stands up and says, “Watering hole.”
A bit confused, the widow says, “I know you meant well.”
The next person stands up and says, “Totality.”
The widow says, “Thank you, that means everything.”
The next person stands up and says, “Dynamite.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That’s powerful stuff.”
The next person stands up and says, “Nostalgia.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That’s a loving memory.”
The next person stands up and says, “Embrace.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That’s touching.”
The next person stands up and says, “Measurement.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That means so much.”
The next person stands up and says, “Incomprehensible.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That means more than you can imagine.”
The next person stands up and says, “Bargain.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That means a great deal.”
The next person stands up and says, “Beer.”
The widow says, “Thank you. He would have loved that.”
#wordplay
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I fell asleep in church but got up when I heard the preacher say, "Stand up!" And when I did, the whole congregation burst into applause.
Then the preacher said, "Thank you, Kathleen! And who else loves God enough to donate $2,000?"
#other
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Bill Clinton and the Pope die at the same day, but get messed up - the Pope goes to Hell and Clinton goes to Heaven.
Next day they swap places, and the Pope mentions "I am so excited, have always wished to see Virgin Mary", on which Bill comments "sorry pal, you are a day late".
#sexandshit
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What did the doctor say when the patient wanted to do their own stitches?
Suture self.
#wordplay
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Kids are like grizzly bears
You can't run, fight, or hide - all you can do is pretend you don't see them and hope they leave you alone
#other
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A soldier shows up for military training but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.
The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.
"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout 'Stabbity stab-stab'. Now get moving."
The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts "Bangity bang-bang!" the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts "Stabbity stab-stab!" and he too goes down, pretending to be dead.
So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting "Bangity bang-bang" and occasionally "Stabbity-stab-stab", until eventually he realizes he's the last man standing.
He's feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.
The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, "Bangity-bang-bang!"
But the other soldier doesn't go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground.
The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, "Bangity bang-bang!"
But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.
Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, "Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!"
But to his dismay, nothing works.
Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground.
He stands over the fallen soldier and says:
"Tankity tank-tank."
#other
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Last Christmas my mom bought me a t-shirt saying, 'I'm a nudist.'
I haven't worn it yet.
#other
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I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken and met a girl dressed as an egg
An age old question was answered, the chicken
#other
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A couple just had their first son, the husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife half Chinese and half Italian both wanted to have their son's name reflecting their heritage. After much argument they decided on the name...
Ravi O'Lee.
#oldbutgold
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“May ya live as long as ya want, and not want for as long as ya live” is an Irish toast.
“Bread, cinnamon, eggs, and maple syrup” is a French toast.
#wordplay
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— Sooo, did Danny like his birthday presents?
— Not really.. he got excited and destroyed all the gifts with a hammer. RC car, electric train, the dollhouse, the wristwatch.. almost everything.
— Oh no!.. Did he destroy my present, too?
— No. Your fucking hammer is not damaged.
#other
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What happens when Bruce Willis overdoses on viagra?
He Dies Hard.
#wordplay
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My father owned a coal company, but mostly kept it to himself.
He mined his own business.
#wordplay
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What do you get when you rub two oranges together?
Pulp Friction.
#wordplay
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I always have sex with the lights on.
Because I get scared alone in the dark.
#sexandshit
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What do you call an Irish lesbian?
Gaelic.
#wordplay
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A man walks into the doctor's office with an apple in his ear and a banana up his butt.
Doc, I don't feel very good, says the man.
I see your problem right here, says the Doc. You're not eating properly.
#other
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I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
#other
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The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in one language is priceless.
#other
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