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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A man is wandering deep in the forest when he comes upon a strange looking pub...
The man walks inside and is immediately greeted by the barkeep.
"What can I get you?" the barkeep asks.
"I'll just have a beer," the man replies.
"Unfortunately, the guy who just left drank our last beer," the barkeep says. "However, I do have another drink I can offer you... the Elixir of the Forest Elves."
"What's that?" the man inquires.
"Ah," the barkeep responds. "It's a potent mix of dragon blood, unicorn hair, and fairy tears."
The man thinks for a moment. "Alright, I'll try one of those."
The barkeep gets to work behind the bar, mixing the mystical ingredients: lights flash, colors change, smoke billows. He returns with a goblet, its contents bubbling out of the sides.
Intrigued, the man takes a nervous sip.
"Jesus Christ," the man exclaims. "That tastes horrible."
"No shit," says the barkeep. "Why do you think the last guy drank all the beer?
#other
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I'm not bragging or anything
but when I get naked, the shower gets turned on
#wordplay
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Two conspiracy nuts end up at the gates of heaven before God
God says to them "You may ask any question of me."
The first man asks "Was the Maui fire started by a space laser to clear out residents so the rich could buy up all the land?
God says "No my child. It was a combination of poor agriculture and climate change."
The first man turns to his friend and says "This goes up higher than we thought"
#other
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I DON'T USE LOWER CASE LETTERS LIKE SOME SOCIALIST.
I'M IN FAVOR OF CAPITALISM.
#wordplay
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My dad always wanted me to be a millionaire and thankfully I didn't disappoint him.
He died before he got the chance to see how poor I became.
#other
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Not really a dad joke, but yesterday my coworker noticed that the clock on the wall had stopped and asked "when did that happen?"
So I said, "Well, from the looks of things, I'd say it was about 8:47."
#other
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A groom gets drunk at his wedding reception and wakes up with a hangover. He says to his best man, "What happened last night?"
"Well," says the best man, "your new wife got drunk, got up from the table, and started dancing like mad. Then I got drunk, and I started dancing with her. Then you got drunk, and you saw us dancing together, and you got so angry at us that you kicked her in the crotch."
"Ouch!" says the groom. "That must have hurt."
"It sure did!" says the best man. "Two of my fingers got broken."
#sexandshit
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I threw a gender reveal party
But the judge called it indecent exposure
#sexandshit
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All those years of gaming are finally paying off..
Doc says I'll get atrophy any day now.
#wordplay
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My wife said I look like a Greek god...
Her actual words were, “Put your clothes on you idiot, we’re in a museum!” but I know what she really meant!
#sexandshit
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Both of my parents were dwarfs..
I’ll never forget how they struggled to put food on the table.
#wordplay
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My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
#wordplay
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Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
#wordplay
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In the US, it’s called an elevator. In the UK, it’s a lift
I guess we’re just all raised differently
#wordplay
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Ivan was working at a vacuum cleaners factory in USSR, but couldn't afford to buy one himself...
One day his wife said: Vanya, you are an idiot, you can steal a single part of a vacuum cleaner every day, after a month or two we will have all the parts we need, and you'll assemble it yourself.
After two months of stealing parts Ivan locked himself in a workshop and begun assembling vacuum cleaner. Wife waited for six hour for him to finish and then knocked and asked if something wrong.
- You see, - answered distressed Ivan - I've assembled and re-assembled it six times, and still getting a grenade launcher!
#other
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Three physicists went out for a drive
Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm went out for a drive one sunny summer afternoon. Everything was going great when Heisenberg noticed flashing blue and red lights in his rear view mirror.
"Aw scheiße," he muttered as he pulled over to the side of the road.
The cop sauntered up to the driver's side window. "Good afternoon, sir," he said to Heisenberg. "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
"No, officer," Heisenberg responds with a bit of a grin. "But I know exactly where I am."
"This isn't a joke, sir," the cop says. "I clocked you doing 74mph in a residential area. That's more than double the posted limit and qualifies as reckless driving, a 2nd degree misdemeanor that can get you 90 days in jail."
"74 miles per hour?" says Heisenberg. "That's just great. Now I'm lost!"
"Sir, based on the speeding and now your behavior I suspect that you're driving under the influence. Have you and your friends been drinking this afternoon or maybe hanging out with that Hofman fella down at Sandoz? I'm gonna need you all to step out of the car so I can search your vehicle."
So the three physicists have a seat on the side of the road while the cop searches the car.
The cop looks under the seats. He pokes through the glove box. Finally he pops the trunk and gives a startled shout.
"Are you three psychos seriously driving around with a dead cat in the trunk?!?!" he screams.
"If Fluffy is dead it's your fault for looking you filthy pig," says Schrödinger.
"That's it," says the cop. "Enough's enough. I'm arresting all three of you."
Ohm resisted.
#wordplay
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The mafia forced my brother-in-law to go on a creative writing course..
They made him an author: he couldn’t refuse.
#wordplay
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So an old Jewish man, an Auschwitz survivor, lives into old age but finally dies.
He learns that there actually is a heaven, and to gain acceptance you have to tell God a joke or funny story.
In front of God, he relays an anecdote that happened to him during the Holocaust - a story that the man found amusing in spite of what was happening.
"Um, I don't get it", says God.
"I guess you had to be there", says the man.
#oldbutgold
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My wife told me she wants another baby.
It's a relief I don't like this one either.
#wordplay
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Soviet Union. A parrot is flying over the streets of a city.
Parrot: Down with the Communist Party! Give us Democracy! Open the borders with the West! Hail the free market! Karl Marx is a bullshitter!
The authorities notice at once. A task force of KGB starts chasing the bird, pull out their pistols... the parrot evades their shots and flies into the window of a flat. The officers write down the address, take the elevator and knock on the door. A man opens it.
Man: Greetings Comrades. Can I help you somehow?
KGB officer: Yes, we are looking for a parrot. Do you have one?
Man: Oh, yes, I do. It is currently in the fridge.
KGB officer: Fridge? Strange. Can we see it?
The man opens the freezer and pulls out the parrot.
Parrot: Long live the Party! May communism win on Earth! Lenin lives forever! Down with the capitalistic oppressors!
KGB officer: Ah, I see. That's not the one we were looking for. Must have gotten the wrong floor, Comrade. Good day to you.
Man: Good day to you as well, Comrades.
The KGB men close the door, the man waits a few minutes to be sure they are gone, and then looks at the parrot:
Man: Well, pal, I see you've got a taste of what Siberia's like.
#politics
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“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
“You herd me.”
#wordplay
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My wife is a sex object. When I want sex, she objects.
#wordplay
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In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in.
George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian.
The big day finally came, and he was parachuted to the outskirts of Moscow at night. He emerged by daybreak, and hopped onto a bus going to the city center.
"Comrade. How much for a ticket to Red square?", he asked the conductor in authentic Russian.
"5 Rubles, Comrade American", came the reply.
Keats was stunned. Perhaps the conductor was just being a smart-ass. He hopped off the bus and asked a passerby for directions to the closest bar.
"It's just around the block, Comrade American."
Keats' doubts grew immensely. Not knowing what to do, he went inside the bar and ordered a glass of Vodka.
"Want some Borscht to go with it, Comrade American?", the bartender asked.
Keats threw a fit. "What's the matter with you people? I dress just like you, I speak just like you, I even THINK just like you! Why does everyone keep calling me American?"
"Well Comrade, it's because you're black."
#oldbutgold
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I changed a light bulb, crossed the street and walked into a bar...
Oh god, my life is a joke!
#other
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My kid messaged me saying they were going to have 2 minute noodles for lunch
I replied, “Why don’t you have 2 large noodles instead?”
#wordplay
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I always keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet to remind me why...
there's no money in it.
#wordplay
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A farmer ordered a hi-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch, and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he found that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service hot line with his cell phone (thank God for cell phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep.
"The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!"
#sexandshit
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Three men were in a hospital.
An Englishman, a French, and a Congolese were expecting to receive their babies from the ward.
The doctor comes out with three nurses; each carting a baby.
"Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some bad news..." says the doctor, "there was a mix-up and I'm afraid we cannot determine which babies--"
Just then, the Englishman grabs the cart with the darkest baby and dashes for the door.
"Sir, what are you doing?!" shouts the doctor
"I ain't raising no goddamn Frenchman!"
#roast
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I once met a girl with 12 nipples.
Sounds made up, dozen tit.
#wordplay
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In ancient Rome there were four kinds of poisons. Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly
But Poison IV would just make you itchy.
#wordplay
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