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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A woman asks her husband, "Did you marry me because my father died and left me a fortune?"
And her husband says, "Of course not! I would have married you no matter who left you the money."
#other
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On my first day in prison, my cell mate said to me...
"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
#boomerhumor
@Sickipedia
During a family dinner, my dad asked, "Son, when are you planning to get married?" Typically, I'd ignore such questions, but this time I responded, "I won't be getting married for at least another five years, so you can give it up." My parents were disheartened, shocked, and confused. They asked, "Why, son? Don't you think it's time?" I replied, "She's only 13."
#other
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I've lost control, I don't see an end, there's no escape. I don't even have a home anymore
Time to buy a new keyboard
#wordplay
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God summons Adam and Eve and says to them, "hey guys, I've got some more features to divvy up. Who wants extra muscles?"
"I do!" shouts Adam before Eve can say anything.
"OK", says God, "how about extra height?"
"Mine!" Says Adam, "It goes well with my extra muscles."
"And, how about extra body hair?" Asks God.
"Yoink!" Says Adam, snatching the hair from God before he can finish his sentence. God and Eve share a look. Adam says, "see ya suckers," as he struts off in his tall, well muscled, hairy body.
"Well," sighs God to Eve, "all I have left is multiple orgasms."
#sexandshit
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I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost...
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
#wordplay
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My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating
She's starting to sound like my wife.
#other
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A dad was putting his daughter to bed, and she said her nightly prayers,
"Good night mum, good night daddy, goodnight grandma, and goodbye grandpa." Puzzled, he asked why she said goodbye to grandpa instead of goodnight. The girl explained she felt it in her spirit. The next day, grandpa passed away.
Worried, the dad paid closer attention when she prayed. Months later, saying her prayers, the girl said, “Good night mum, good night daddy, goodbye grandma.” Puzzled, the father asked her why she said goodbye to grandma, but the girl said it was the right thing to say in her mind. Sadly, the following day, grandma passed away.
Two months later, when his wife was on a trip, the little girl praying said, "Goodnight mum, goodbye dad." On hearing this, the dad knew what was coming. Determined to survive, he prayed fervently. He stayed home, didn’t go out, and was very careful throughout the day. He figured out that if he survived past midnight, he would break the spell. And he did survive past midnight, and he was thankful.
Early the next morning, when his wife returned from the trip, as he was about narrating his ordeal, she shared a shocking news, saying, “You won’t believe what just happened—my boss died on our flight back to Florida.”
#oldbutgold
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One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what “bitch” and “bastard” mean. They explained that they mean “lady” and “gentleman.” The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what “penis” and “vagina” mean. His parents explained that they refer to “hats” and “coats.” At supper the next day, Little Johnny’s mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled,”Oh fuck!” Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means “cut.” A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, “Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas — we can’t wait to fuck the turkey!”
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child made another note that said, “Take as many as you want. God is watching the apples."
#other
@Sickipedia
My wife keeps asking me to blow cool air on her when she’s hot, but I don’t like it
I’m not a fan
#wordplay
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How do you measure the effectiveness of a dad joke?
With a sighs-mometer.
#wordplay
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What do you get if you watch a Jackie Chan movie backwards?
A movie about a guy who can assemble furniture with his feet
#other
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The earth is flat.
It's 80% water and none of it is carbonated.
#wordplay
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What's white and has a high body count?
Mt. Everest
#other
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A guy approaches his friend in the Synagogue.
"Dave, I need your big favor as my best friend. I am heading to the rabbi's to have sex with his wife. Please keep him here for two hours. Ask complicated questions, follow up on the answers, trade stories... Whatever you can do to make him stay," the guy says.
David reluctantly agrees and goes to see the rabbi.
"Rabbi, I got myself into a predicament. My friend pressured me to prevent you from leaving here while your wife and he were having sex at your house. What is your advice?"
Rabbi: "Run home. I am not married."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A father sends his kid to their room for acting up
They storm up the stairs into their room and yell "JIM MORRISON is an OVERRATED HACK!"
The father snaps back "AND WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?"
#wordplay
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An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for many years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we are not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
#other
@Sickipedia
Bob found out he was going to become a billionaire once his sick father dies. His father had taken every measure to hide his wealth.
After finding this out, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy his fortune with.
So he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary dude," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit over 2 billion dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, he spotted her at his dad’s house. She greeted him with a huge smile and exclaimed, “Bob, I am your new step mother!”
#other
@Sickipedia
A 108 year old man and his 107 year old wife appeared before Divorce.
"Irreconciliable differences, Your Honour," said the man, when asked the reason. "We've been married for 87 years, and it's been torture all the way."
"87 years‽ That's the longest marriage I've ever seen in this court!" exclaimed the judge. "Since everything looks to be in order, we can formalise the separation today. But if I may ask, why is it you waited so long before applying to separate?"
Replied the woman, "Well Your Honour, to be honest, we were just waiting for the kids to die."
#other
@Sickipedia
What is the worst thing you can say when your wife accuses you of never listening
Trust me, she’ll hate it
#wordplay
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My wife finished a 36-week bodybuilding program yesterday.
We welcomed a baby girl into our family weighing 3.5kg!
#wordplay
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Little Johnny walked up to a security guard at the mall and said, "I've lost my mother. Can you help me find her?"
The guard replied, "Absolutely can do, Little Dude. What's she like?" Little Johnny said, "Big dicks and vodka but I don't know how that information helps."
#wordplay
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A boy walks through the forest, and an old and scary old woman sits on a stump in the meadow, the boy spits, and the old woman says:
- By the way, I am a witch, I can fulfill any three of your wishes, if you fulfill one of mine.
- Fine! I want a cool car.
- You will go out on the road - the Kruzak 300 is already waiting for you there.
- I want a lot of money!
- In the car, the entire trunk will be filled with bucks.
- I want a beautiful lover!
- There will be a beautiful blonde from head to toe in the back seat of the car.
- So what favor do I have to do for all this?
- Yaku-Yaku. Sexy, of course.
The boy did the favor and ran out of the forest. And the grandmother followed him:
- Son, how old are you?
- Twenty-seven, and what?
- Nothing... So big, but you believe in fairy tales
#sexandshit
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Two blondes are trapped in an elevator.
They yell for hours, in the hopes someone will hear and come to their rescue. They take it in turns to scream for help.
“Help!”
“HELP!”
“#HELP!”.
One blonde turns to the other and says “This isn’t working. Maybe we should try yelling simultaneously”?
The other blonde agrees and the two then start shouting
“SIMULTANEOUSLY!”
“SIMULTANEOUSLY!”.
#other
@Sickipedia
A guy walked into a post office just before Valentine's Day.
He couldn't help but notice a middle-aged, balding man wearing a suit, standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. There were stacks and stacks of envelopes. He kept watching as the man then took out a bottle of Chanel perfume from his pocket and started spraying the scent over the envelopes.
By now, the guy's curiosity had got the better of him so he asked the man what he was doing. The man replied, "Every year before Valentines Day, I send out 500 Valentines Day cards, signed, 'Guess who? xoxo'"
The guy asked, "But, why?"
The man replied, "I'm a divorce lawyer."
#other
@Sickipedia
Jim was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Jim took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Jim asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Jim asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Jim asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed homeless man.
"Well," said Jim, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Gayle."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
Jim replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."
#oldbutgold
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What is 007 favourite Christmas song?
Bells, Jingle Bells
#other
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I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."
Then she said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
#wordplay
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A teacher tells her student to tell a story with a moral in it.
Little Johnny says, "All right. I got one. There's a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand. He says 'Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!' The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen."
"Oh my," the teacher gasps with a horrified look on her face.
"So the chicken takes the BMW, backs it up near the quicksand, throws a rope to the horse, ties it up to the bumper and pulls the horse out. The horse is so very thankful."
"What happened next?" the teacher asks, feeling relieved.
"A couple days later... the chicken falls into the same quicksand and says, 'Hurry up! Hurry up! Go get the farmer!' So the horse thinks to himself, 'Well... I could probably stand over this quicksand.' So, he stands over it and says to the chicken, 'Grab hold of my penis!' So the chicken grabs hold of the horse's penis and gets pulled out."
The teacher is suddenly weirded out by the direction the story is going and asks, "Umm... Johnny? That's nice and all, but what's the moral of the story?"
Without hesitation, Johnny responds with, "The moral of the story is: if you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks."
#wordplay
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