15217
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A blond is having trouble selling her car.
She tells her friend that it has nearly 300k miles on it and it’s difficult to sell to anyone.
Her friend says he has a cousin she can take it to. He’s a mechanic and can roll back the miles on the car to make it easier to sell.
A month goes by and they run into each other. Her friend asks if she ever took her car to his cousin.
She replies that yes she did and he did a great job rolling back the mileage to around 30k miles.
Her friend asks if she was then able to sell the car.
She replies “No; I would never sell a car with such low mileage. I’m keeping it for myself.”
#other
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Which painkiller is the most ambitious and optimistic?
Aspirin’
#wordplay
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My wife just found out she's adopted.
She's devastated and kept asking "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears...
On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "Who's your daddy?!" was a little insensitive.
#sexandshit
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What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
#wordpplay
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A grandpa told his grandson that he should live a little. Here is what he said:
Grandpa: Grandson, what are you doing?
Grandson: Playing a videogame.
Grandpa: Why? There are so much better things you could be doing at your age. When I was your age, I was in Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, beat up the barman and left without paying! That is how you have a good time!
Grandson: Well, I'm only 18, how am I supposed to get to Paris?
Grandpa: I'll pay. Have a good time.
And the teenage grandson went to Paris for a week and came back.
Grandpa: Sonny, what happened! You have a cast, a black eye, and some missing teeth! Tell me.
Grandson: Well, I did everything you said you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge and tried to have my way with the dancers, drank all night, and tried to leave without paying, but they all beat me up. Grandpa, what went wrong?
Grandpa: Tell me, who did you go with?
Grandson: Just some of my friends.
Grandpa: Oh, that explains it. I went with the 3rd Panzer Divison.
#oldbutgold
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A young deckhand sees a pirate ship approaching from the port side.
He rushes to the captain and tells him. The captain says, "I need you to go to my cabin and get my red shirt."
The deckhand is a bit confused. He asks, "Your red shirt, Sir?"
The captain replies, "Yes. If I get hit by enemy gunfire, I do not want my men to see me bleeding and give up the fight."
The deckhand rushes to the captain`s cabin and gets his red shirt. The whole time he is thinking how brave his captain is, since he is worried about the men giving up the fight if he gets hit by enemy gunfire, and not even concerned about his own life. On his way back, the deckhand notices another pirate ship approaching from the starboard side. When he gets to the captain, he gives him the red shirt and says, "Sir, I regret to inform you, there is another pirate ship approaching from our starboard side!"
The captain says, "I need you to go to my cabin and get my brown pants!"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Yesterday evening, a fisherman, while going through an alley, heard someone crying for help.
Running for the sound, he saw a lady being mugged. Quickly, he jumped at the mugger and grabbed him, but the mugger managed to get away and escape.
According to the fisherman's description to the police, the mugger was about three and a half meter tall, and weighed at least five hundred kilograms.
#other
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A young adventurer, very muscular, dressed in armor, and with a sword by his belt, marches through the city's gates.
An old man approaches him and says, "Oh, you are the chosen one!".
"Am I?" replies the adventurer.
"Sure!" affirms the old man. "Follow me, for I will take you to the king. You do have an important task at hand that only you can perform.".
"Who are you?" asks the adventurer.
"The wizard!" replies the old man. Then he adds, "Now come, and no more questions!"
The duo marches into the castle. Thirty well-armed guards open passage, holding their lances high.
By the hall, the king hears their entry being announced and receives them by the table.
"So, he's the chosen one?" asks the king.
"For sure!" replies the wizard.
"Am I the chosen one for what?" asks the adventurer.
"According to our old legend, a young man would enter our city and destroy the evil dragon for good," the king and the wizard tell him in unison.
"Oh, great!" replies the adventurer. Then he asks, "Will there be any reward?"
"Of course," answers the king. Twelve thousand gold coins, a diamond the size of your fist, and twelve acres of land, and you will be made a duke.
"Then take me to the dragon, and I will for sure defeat it!" cofidently replies the adventurer.
The wizard then leads the adventurer out of the castle and into the forest.
A distant roar can be heard. The wizard points to the forest and says, "It's there. Go!"
The adventurer draws his sword and marches into the jungle, cutting branches and weeds out of his way.
The wizard then hears the adventurer screaming, and a huge column of smoke rises from the distance.
He waits for a while, then hears the dragon roaring again, shrugs, and returns to the castle.
And then, the wizard meets the king.
"So... everything went fine?" asks the king.
"Yeah!" replies the wizard. "I think our pet is fed for the next week."
#other
@Sickipedia
I like my women the way I like my laptop
On my lap, turned on and virus free
#sexandshit
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A magician was working on a cruise ship.
A magician was working on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said "Okay, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
#other
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My friend just told me to put the toilet seat down.
I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
#other
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Someone just called my phone, sneezed, and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of all these cold calls.
#wordplay
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Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!"
Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk returns to the bar's far end. Ten minutes later, he returns and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk.”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it to roll up a joint.
He’s now high on the list of people I would never want to talk to again.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A tortoise crawls on the road.
Suddenly, it sees d'Artagnan and the Three Musketeers up ahead, riding their horses.
- Greetings, d'Artagnan - he says as they approach.
- Greetings, Tortoise.
- Greetings, d'Artagnan's horse.
- Greeting, Tortoise.
- Greetings, Athos.
- Greetings, Tortoise.
- Greetings, Athos' horse.
- Greeting, Tortoise.
- Greetings, Porthos.
- Greetings, Tortoise.
- Greetings, Porthos' horse.
- Greeting, Tortoise.
- Greetings, Aramis.
- Greetings, Tortoise.
- Greetings, Aramis' horse.
- Greeting, Tortoise.
The Musketeers pass.
- Farewell, d'Artagnan - says the tortoise.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, d'Artagnan's horse.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, Athos.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, Athos' horse.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, Porthos.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, Porthos' horse.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, Aramis.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, Aramis' horse.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
Having parted from them, the tortoise crawls on. Suddenly, up ahead, it sees Leonidas and the 300 Spartans.
#other
@Sickipedia
A TV crew goes down to a farmer to explore how a day in the countryside unfolds. They ask him to describe how his day goes.
- Well, I get up in the morning, and I have a shot of moonshine...
- Hold on, hold on, this won't do!! We can't tell our viewers that you're drinking first thing in the morning. You know what, say that you get up and read the newspaper. There you go!
- Alright, I get up in the morning, and I read the newspaper. I feed the pigs, and then I read another newspaper. In the morning, I'm out in the workshop, and I read two or three books. For lunch, I read two magazines, then I walk around the estate, reading another book. In the evening, I bring in the animals, and then I read the evening newspaper. After that, I would go to the library, but it's only open until ten, so then we go over to my buddy Joe's place, 'cause he's got a printing press...
#other
@Sickipedia
A man is feeling lonely during the Holiday Season, so he buys a pet parrot to keep him company. The man gets the parrot home, sets up a cozy cage, and says, "Hi, buddy birdie. Want a cracker?" The parrot replies:
"Go fuck yourself."
The man, shocked, says: "What did you say?"
The parrot says again, "Go fuck yourself."
At first, the man thinks it's kind of funny. However, as time goes by, he realizes that "Go fuck yourself" is all the parrot ever says to him. Eventually this gets old, and the man loses his patience with the parrot.
"Stop telling me to 'go fuck' myself."
"Go fuck yourself," is all the parrot says.
"I'm warning you. You better stop."
"Go fuck yourself."
"This is your last chance. You better not tell me to 'go fuck' myself again, or you're gonna regret it."
"Go fuck yourself."
Irritated, but with no plan, the man looks around his home to see how he can teach the parrot a lesson. He spots the refrigerator, and thinks that a few seconds alone in the cold dark will teach this ungrateful bird who's boss. So, the man yanks the parrot out of its cage, shoves it in the fridge, waits 15 seconds, takes it out and puts it back in its cage. Satisfied with himself, the man leaves for a bit to allow the parrot to reflect on its punishment.
The man returns later and sees the parrot staring at him from its cage in utter terror.
"Are you okay?" the man asks.
The parrot doesn't respond. It just stares back with intense fear.
"Buddy birdie, no need to be afraid. I just wanted to teach you a lesson. C'mon, talk to me."
The parrot replies, "Because I told you to 'go fuck yourself', you shoved me in a cold, dark refrigerator?"
The man shrugs and answers, "Yeah. It was just 15 seconds. I didn't think it'd have any long-term damage."
The parrot says, "Jesus! What the hell did that turkey do?"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
What does driving in rush hour and 69'ing have in common?
You have to stare at the asshole in front of you.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
If I am addicted to masturbation, but it turns into a sex addiction...
Does that mean My addiction has gotten out of hand?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Three guys die and go to heaven.
The angel at the gate tells them, “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner, your way across the bridge to Heaven will
be decided.”
The first guy says, “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated thrice.”
The angel gives him an old model pick-up.
The second guy says, “11 years and only once.”
The angel grants him a Mercedes.
The last man says, “20 years and not once, we loved each other with all our hearts.”
The angel is duly impressed, and bestows upon him a gold edition Lamborghini.
The man soon passes the other two men.
Hours later the two men catch up to him at a diner. He’s sitting alone at a table sobbing and muttering to himself.
One of the men approaches him and says, “I know we are dead but it could be much worse. Don’t be upset!”
The guy looks up and says “Don’t be upset?!, 30 minutes ago I passed my wife, and she was riding a skateboard!”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Why wouldn't the English teacher have anal sex?
He couldn't stand improper use of the colon.
#wordplay
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One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.
The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A man walks into a diner.
He sits down at the counter, orders a cup of coffee, and starts looking at the menu. He sees broccoli and cheese soup and asks the waitress if it's any good. She says sure, she likes it, and mentions that the customer 2 seats down ordered it a few minutes ago, why not ask him?
The man looks over and sees the other customer just sitting there, staring into a full bowl of soup. He asks if the soup is any good, but gets no response. When he asks if he could try a bite, the other customer just pushes it over to him and waves his hand to indicate, "Here, just take it."
The man thanks him, gets a clean spoon from the waitress, and starts eating.
He's eaten about 2/3 of it when he spoons up what he thinks is a big piece of broccoli. But to his horror, it's a dead mouse cooked in the soup.
He immediately gags, retches, and vomits it all right back into the bowl.
The other customer glances over, nods knowingly, and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too."
#other
@Sickipedia
I just got a job testing a new erectile dysfunction medication.
The starting pay isn't great but I'm hoping to get a raise soon.
#wordplay
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If you are being chased by a bunch of taxidermists,
Don't play dead!
#other
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Man walks into a sex shop.
He puts a sex doll on the counter and says, "I'd like a refund on this new robotic A.I model".
"Why, what's wrong with it?"
"It keeps complaining that I don't turn it on."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I have three rules in life:
Never ask anyone how much they make.
Don’t ask anyone how old they are.
Never ask a person with a German last name why they are from South America.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said," I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away. "The distressed owner wailed, " Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its peak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My wife asked me why i wanted to get cremated
I told her it was my last chance to have a smoking hot body.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My wife said that I ruined her birthday..
But I didn’t even know it was her birthday!
#other
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