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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Guy goes to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed.
The shrink gives the guy an inkblot card and asks, "Look at this and tell me what you see."
The guy studies it for a long moment and says, "Not 100% sure, but I think that's Card #6-A, Rorschach Series Three."
#other
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Took my girlfriend to the restaurant last night.
The Waiter said: "I am sorry sir but we are so busy tonight. Would you mind waiting for a bit?"
I said: "No problem"
He said: "Well take these drinks to table 10"
#wordplay
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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
#other
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I have sex daily.
My doctor told me it’s completely common to have my letters all jumbled up.
#wordplay
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A guy goes to the doctor with a very red penis.
He's naturally worried because he's never had anything like this before. The doctor after a short examination left the exam room, came back with a bottle and a cotton swab. He proceeded to apply the lotion to the affected area and it cleared up immediately.
The guy very much relieved and amazed asked, "what is that?"
The doctor said, "lipstick remover."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Ddi you hear Boeing has adopted a new corporate motto?
"When one door closes, another one opens."
#other
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Millennials teaching other generations how to use computers:
1995: "Mom, let me show you how to type a report on the computer. It's easier than using pen and paper."
2024: "Kid, let me show you how to type a report on the computer. It's easier than using your phone."
#other
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Wife: I’m pregnant
Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m dad
Wife: No, you’re not
#sexandshit
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A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots.
Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" The guy wipes his mouth and replies, "You’d be drinking fast, too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" As he runs out the door, the guy says, "75 cents.”
#oldbutgold
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Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands
#wordplay
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What does the optometrist say to the programmer after he gave him his new glasses?
Now you can C#
#wordplay
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I recently bought a pencil owned by Shakespeare himself!
Unfortunately he chewed the end so badly I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A well-dressed drunk man walks into a bar.
He approaches the bar and shouts: "Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!"
The bartender pours all the drinks. The whole bar cheers and they all drink.
Afterwards, the bartender hands the bill to the man, who just shrugs and says "Oh, I didn't bring my wallet with me tonight. Sorry!" The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.
The next night, the same man stumbles into the bar. "Bartender!" the man happily shouts as he approaches, "A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!"
The bartender thinks, 'This guy can't be that stupid. I hope for his sake that he came to pay for last night's drinks too. Also I feel pretty bad about beating him up yesterday, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.' So he pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, and they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, "Oh, I forgot my wallet again. Sorry!" The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder than before and kicks him out.
On the third night in a row, the bartender can't believe his eyes when he sees the man return. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!"
The bartender is fuming and grins sardonically. "What? No drink for me tonight?"
The drunk looks at him and says "Nah man, you get too violent when you drink."
#other
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How many clickbait articles does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
The answer will shock you!
#other
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
I don't know, but if it's levitating... Holy Cow!
#other
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How many redditors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
100. One to screw it in and 99 to sit around and comment about how they could do it better.
#other
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In a small town out west, an old priest became tired of listening to all the details when parishioners would confess that they had committed adultery. So he asked everyone to simply say “I’ve Fallen” during their confession. This code word was then used for many years.
Eventually the old priest retires and a new one took his place. During his first week, the new priest starts to get concerned because everyone is complaining about falling. So the priest went to see the town mayor and suggested that maybe the sidewalks needed repairs to prevent people from falling so often.
The mayor starts laughing because he realizes that the new priest doesn't know that "fallen" is a code word. The confused priest then says “I don’t know why you’re laughing because your own wife fell down three times this week”.
#wordplay
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey!”
The horse says “YES PLEASE.”
#wordplay
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
#religion
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I am really sad today.
After seven years of training in the medical field and really hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and has been blacklisted from the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training, and money. A genuinely nice guy, and a truly brilliant mortician.
#sexandshit
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I saw the priest at the gym today.
He was exorcising.
#wordplay
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
The chicken clucked silently to himself as he wiped the rain water from his eyebrows. It has been raining for hours now, but that was good, he would be harder to follow. He breathed in and put his eye to the glass, staring down the scope, using it to peer through the window of the diner across the street. That's where the man sat, the farmer that started it all. He raised him from a chick, fed him, gave him a wife and child.... then took it all away for his own gain. But the chicken wasn't going to let it end like that, oh no. He clucked his final prayer, watched, waited for the rain to fall straight down, a sign of no wind.... and pulled the trigger. Quickly he descended the ladder, leaving the gun behind, chickens didn't have fingerprints... he sprinted across the road, ducked into a nearby alley, and fled. Never to be seen again.
#antijoke
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A group of military officers are sitting around discussing how much work and fun is involved in having sex.
First the lieutenant says, "Having sex is about 80% fun and 20% work."
Then captain replies, "No, there's more work involved than that. I would say that it's 60% fun and 40% work."
The major chimes in, "No, having sex is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it's 20% fun and 80% work."
As the discussion continued on, a private suddenly walked by the room.
The officers call the private over, explain the situation and ask for his opinion.
The private quickly replies, "Gentlemen, having sex must be 100% fun."
One of the officers asks, "Well how did you come to that conclusion so easily?"
The private says, "Very simple, Sir. If there was any work involved you guys would have me doing it for you."
#sexandshit
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My father owned a coal company, but kept it to himself
Mined his own business
#wordplay
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Three men are in a Russian prison cell.
The first man says, "I'm here because I criticized Igor Girkin."
The second man says, "I'm here because I spoke in favor of Igor Girkin."
The third man says, "I'm Igor Girkin."
#russians
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A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife.
"We need a 4th for Golf"
"I'll be right over" says the doctor.
"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.
"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."
#other
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Is it okay that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?
Or does that make me a bad teacher?
#oldbutgold
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When I was a kid my mom would have a spoon with food on it and say "here comes the train, here comes the train" and I would always eat it
otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the train tracks
#other
@Sickipedia
A cat dies and goes to heaven. An angel meets him at the gate and says: “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask”.
The cats says: “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors”.
The angel says: “Say no more”. Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice die and go to heaven. The angel meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat. The mice said: “All our lives we’ve had to run. Cats, dogs, and even women with brooms have chased us. If we each could only have pairs of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore”.
The angel says: “Say no more”. Instantly, each mouse is fitted with beautiful pairs of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, the angel decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. The angel gently wakes him and asks: “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”
The cat yawns and stretches and says: “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life, and those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”
#other
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Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife." Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Donnie says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow." She said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow." Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
#other
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