15217
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Today my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach..
Ha! That’s not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. It’s the only way I can see the numbers.
#other
@Sickipedia
A gynaecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
My wife told me she wanted a trial seperation as she was sick of me constantly acting like game show host ...
I said 'Well that's all for now, lets see what happens after the break'
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.
The three men broke into a conversation. Eventually, they started talking about their jobs, and why they were at the beach.
"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All day long I toil in the hot, hot sun, and do so wearing very heavy clothes. It's quite exhausting. But here, I can relax, and do so without any clothing at all."
"I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."
The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What about you?" they asked. "Why are you here?"
"My doctor sent me here," said the third man. "I'm a pickpocket."
#illness
@Sickipedia
The Shogun's fiancée has disappeared, and one of his samurais gives him a letter found in her room.
"Forget your bride and marry me. Send me a sign tomorrow. Or i'll turn her into a frog. - Sorceress of the mountain.", says the letter.
The shogun knowing that, according to the legends, this sorceress was absolutely beautiful and extremely powerful, and that it would even be good to have a wife with such attributes, thinks for a few moments.
But he decides to recover his bride, especially because his honor is in check, this kidnapping would create a scandal in the empire, and after all his bride is attractive enough to him, and so he walks around the palace looking for someone who can discreetly help with this situation.
He finds a ninja from a clan he trusts most, dressed all in black and masked, standing near the palace. And then he asks him to quickly go to the forest, find his bride, and bring his beloved back in complete secrecy. Tells him she's an attractive woman who may be somewhere close to the sorceress. And with a map, he marks a place for them to meet later.
"Yes sir! I'm going to get her! Without waking anyone, at night!", says the ninja, who immediately runs towards the forest.
The shogun hides on the outskirts of the city by the place he marked, a small storage shelter. And waits for nightfall.
A few minutes later the ninja returns, carrying a tatami wrapped around someone. He carefully places it on the floor and unwraps, revealing a beautiful female oni, a legendary forest dwelling being, with immense breasts, highly attractive and sexy despite her red skin and horns on her head, sleeping inside.
"Ninja, this is not my fiancée... she must be an ally of the sorceress. My fiancée is human," whispers the shogun.
"Forgive my mistake, sir! I'll go get her", whispers the ninja, who then carefully wraps the tatami again, puts it over his shoulder. And runs, again, towards the forest.
Some time later, the ninja returns, again with that tatami wrapped around another person, which he carefully places on the floor and unwraps. Revealing another woman sleeping inside, she is wearing ceremonial robes and has strange blue symbols tattooed on her skin. And she is very beautiful, despite her unusual appearance.
"Ninja, this is not my fiancée... She must be one of the sorceress' apprentices. My fiancée is a member of the nobility. Pay attention to her clothes. I am counting on you," whispers the shogun.
"Forgive my mistake, sir! I'll go get her", whispers the ninja, who then wraps the tatami again, puts it over his shoulder, and runs towards the forest once more.
And after a while, the ninja returns with his tatami wrapped around someone else. Which he carefully places on the floor and unwraps. Once again revealing a woman sleeping inside. She is wearing noble clothes and is quite attractive, but much older than the shogun.
"Ninja, that's not my fiancée... She's my fiancée's mother!!!!!," screams the shogun in absolute surprise. He then notices he has screwed up, becomes very nervous thinking about the consequences, feels sick, passes out and falls to the floor making a loud noise.
The woman on the tatami then opens her eyes, stares at the shogun, and asks, "Daughter, don't you think you've gone too far?"
"Ah mom... I just wanted to be absolutely sure that he wouldn't accept any other woman in my place," replies the ninja.
#other
@Sickipedia
Where do mansplainers get their water?
From a “well actually.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My son's math homework has turned him into a little anarchist....
He can't stand the systems or the inequalities
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What do you call an asian man who's single
Lone lee
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
So i was watching porn last night when my daughter walked in..
Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom I asked what she had in mind. "Let's play doctor", she said.
I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.
After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Three little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said . . .
That'll be $4,750 + your $2,000 deductible.
#americanhealthcare
@Sickipedia
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were each handed a red rubber ball and asked to determine the volume.
Each ball had a diameter of 2 inches.
The mathematician plugged the radius of 1 inch into the equation for the volume of a sphere.
The physicist put a known volume of water into a calibrated container, submerged the ball, and with a simple subtraction determined the volume.
The engineer said he couldn't answer the question. His handbooks had a blue rubber ball table and a green rubber ball table, but no red rubber ball table.
#other
@Sickipedia
A married couple became famous for not having an argument in 25 years.
Local newspaper editors gathered at the occasion to find out the secret to their happy 25 year marriage.
The editor said: “Sir, it’s amazing, impossible. How is this possible?”
The husband began recalling his honeymoon days: “after our honeymoon, we began horseback riding, on different horses. I was lucky to have a gentle, kind-spirited horse.
My wife on the other hand wasn’t so fortunate. She had a crazy horse. As she was riding the horse, the horse began to jump wildly and she fell off. My wife patted the horse on the back, saying ‘this is your first time.’ She jumped back on and we continued riding for a while. Then the horse started acting wildly again, causing my wife to fall off once again. She didn’t lose her cool and patted the horse again, saying ‘this is your second time’. Once again she hopped on and again, the horse jumped wildly and she fell off. My wife pulled out a revolver and shot the horse dead.
My jaw fell to the ground. ‘What the hell are you doing? Did you just shoot a horse?? What’s wrong with you?!’, I asked her, shocked and bewildered.
She looked at me, ‘this is your first time’.”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A boy brought home his report card to show his parents how well he did in math class.
His report card showed a 90/100 for his math grade. His father was ecstatic, however his mother knew he was terrible at math and thus simply couldn't believe he got a 90/100.
She looked closely at the report card and noticed that the 9 and the 0 looked to have different handwriting styles. She immediately became suspicious. "Son, tell me, did you add a 0 to the end of your grade?"
"No," the boy replied.
"I'm going to ask you again," said the mom, "did you add the 0 yourself?"
"No mom, I didn't add the 0--"
Fuming, the mom cuts him off. "Ok, since you're not telling me the truth, you are grounded for one month."
"No mom, please!" the boy begged, "I swear I didn't add the 0!"
"This is your last chance," said the mom, "tell me the truth!"
"I didn't add the 0...I added the 9."
#other
@Sickipedia
Pinocchio was in bed with his girlfriend doing what wooden boys do with their girlfriends.
When it was over, he noticed that his girlfriend was sobbing quietly.
Being a nice wooden boy, he asked her what was wrong.
"Oh, Pinocchio", she said, "You're a sweet guy and a great lover, but every time we make love, I wind up with splinters down there!"
Pinocchio was understandably upset, so when his girlfriend left, he went straight to Geppetto and explained his problem.
Geppetto thought about this for a moment, and then said: "Well, Pinocchio, maybe if you used some sandpaper down there, it might, well, shall we say, 'smooth things over'!
The next day, Geppetto went to the hardware store and he saw Pinocchio at the counter, ordering just about every kind of sandpaper they had in the shop. Coarse sandpaper, fine sandpaper, every quality in between!
Geppetto smiled, gave Pinocchio an amicable slap on the back and said: "Well, my boy, I guess you are a big hit with the girls now, eh?"
Pinocchio turned around and said: "Girls? Who needs girls?"
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...
Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.
On the day of their son's 21st birthday, the father decides to take his son for his first official real drink as an adult. So they go to the local pub, where the father proudly puts the head on the bar and orders two shots of the finest. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing, but goes and gets the drinks.
The father takes the drinks, cheers the glasses together, and takes down his shot while pouring it into his son's mouth. Lo and behold, the head starts wiggling and shaking and suddenly, dramatically, it sprouts an entire torso!!
"What the hell!?", screams the dad... "Bartender!! Two more shots!!"
And they do it again, and the torso and head start wiggling and shaking and BOOM, the son sprouts two arms!!
"Unbelievable!!", screams the dad... "Two more shots!!!"
And this time, of course, the son, delirious with happiness, does his own shot... and the subsequent shaking and wiggling leads to him instantly sprouting two legs!!
"Two more shots!!", screams the dad!!
"Holy shit!! Wait!!", screams the son, "Look! I can walk!! I can run!!" — and with that, the son goes running out the door, straight into traffic, and gets obliterated by a bus.
"Hmmm... ", says the bartender... "Should've quit while he was a head."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My buddy convinced me to join this group.
They were a little odd, and were really into colors. They ascribed religious meaning to wavelengths of light. They thought the most pure form of light had wavelengths between 490 and 520 nm. They told me those came directly from God. It took me a while, but I finally realized I had joined the Church of Cyantology.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Marriage made in Heaven
One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole - killing them both instantly.
The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he'll get back with them on that request.
A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can, in fact, get married in Heaven. To his surprise, the woman asks "Just wondering, if things don't work out will we be able to get a divorce?"
With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out "Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here, you really think I'm gonna find a lawyer?"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A father is driving his son to his first day of school.
The boy looks worried, so his dad asks him "What's wrong?"
The kid asks his father nervously, "How long do I have to go to school for?"
"Until you're 18." says the father.
The boy nods quietly. When they get to the front of the school, he asks, "Daddy, can you please give my puppy a hug for me?"
"You can hug him when you get home, son." says the father.
"Well can you please give mommy a big hug for me--"
"Son," the father says abruptly, "you can hug her when you get home."
The boy's eyes get watery and he starts to sniff. So the father adds, "Don't worry so much, you'll be fine. Go on now."
The boy nods and wipes his nose. "Daddy, can I ask one more question?"
"Go on." says the dad.
The boy, now very teary-eyed, says "Daddy, you'll remember to come get me when I'm 18, won't you?"
#other
@Sickipedia
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are having lunch
at a local bistro. They're sitting by the window and while they're waiting for their food, they notice a person walk into the house across the street. A few minutes later, two people walk out.
"Huh," says the physicist, "what's up with that? There must have been an error in our observation when the single person walked in!"
The physicist then looks at the biologist who says, "Nah, it's obvious the person that walked in reproduced asexually - that's why two people walked out."
They both look at the mathematician, who says, "Oh, I have no idea what happened there. All I know is that if one more person walks into that house, it'll be empty."
#other
@Sickipedia
I told my wife that a psychic told me I’d die while having sex.
She said, “A least it’ll be quick.”
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Three women are sitting in a cafe, talking about their husbands.
"My husband is a miner," says Heather. "I like being in bed with him because he has an incredible shaft."
"Mine is a dentist," says Linda. "I like being in bed with him because no one can drill like he can."
"You're both lucky," says Martha. "My husband's a mailman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks Heather.
"Well," says Martha, "he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong slot."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I finally got my wife to have sex with me daily
I told her the doctor had said i would die having sex
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Little Johnny fell asleep in Sunday school...
The teacher asked, "Johnny, who is our Lord and savior?"
The boy behind him poked him in the back with a pencil
Johnny shot upright and shouted, "Jesus Christ!"
"Correct," said the teacher.
Johnny then fell back asleep.
The teacher called on him again, "Johnny, who was Jesus's mother?"
Again, the boy behind Johnny poked him.
Johnny woke up again and exclaimed, "Mary mother of God!"
"Correct," said the teacher once more.
Johnny fell back asleep.
The teacher called on him once more, "Johnny, can you tell me what Eve said to Adam after she gave birth to their 23rd child?"
The boy behind him poked him once more.
Johnny shot up and shouted, "YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONCE MORE AND I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF!"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I went on a blind date last night..
It didn't start that way....
But she had pepper spray..
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
The inventor of auto correct recently died
His funeral is tomato
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I'm not usually opinionated about math...
but there is a fine line between numerator and denominator.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
The sheep dog says to the farmer, “Here are your 20 sheep.”
The farmer says, “but I only have 17 sheep.”
“I know,” says the sheep dog, “I rounded them up.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man is wandering deep in the forest when he comes upon a strange looking pub...
The man walks inside and is immediately greeted by the barkeep.
"What can I get you?" the barkeep asks.
"I'll just have a beer," the man replies.
"Unfortunately, the guy who just left drank our last beer," the barkeep says. "However, I do have another drink I can offer you... the Elixir of the Forest Elves."
"What's that?" the man inquires.
"Ah," the barkeep responds. "It's a potent mix of dragon blood, unicorn hair, and fairy tears."
The man thinks for a moment. "Alright, I'll try one of those."
The barkeep gets to work behind the bar, mixing the mystical ingredients: lights flash, colors change, smoke billows. He returns with a goblet, its contents bubbling out of the sides.
Intrigued, the man takes a nervous sip.
"Jesus Christ," the man exclaims. "That tastes horrible."
"No shit," says the barkeep. "Why do you think the last guy drank all the beer?
#other
@Sickipedia