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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Cop pulls over a man and says
“You were driving on the wrong side of the road.”
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit??
#other
@Sickipedia
If we remove all of the margarine on Earth …
The world will be a butter place.
#wordplay
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Me and my friends started a band it’s called 999 megabytes
We still don’t have a gig
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My wife complain that I only last for like two minutes in bed..
But it was in doggystyle, so that's like 14 minutes in dog minutes?!
#other
@Sickipedia
What do you call a Jewish muscle t-shirt?
Muscle Top!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk in to a clinic to donate blood.
The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type-o."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A blonde boards the plane, and proceeds to take a window seat…
A guy walks in right behind her, and says: “I’m sorry but you’re in my seat”, to which the blonde responds: “Get lost.”
The guy: “Oh yeah?! Then I hope you know how to fly the plane.”
#other
@Sickipedia
Politics are like sex
If the only thing you know about it comes from your family, you're doing it wrong.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
What's a 10 letter word that starts with g-a-s
Automobile
#wordplay
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Honestly, I don’t get why a circle is a shape
It’s not like a triangle or a square, it’s completely pointless
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My doctor told me that the radiation from my laptop has damaged my sperm….
Felt like letting him know how badly my sperm has damaged my laptop…
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
What has four legs but cannot walk?
Half a spider.
#other
@Sickipedia
What's the opposite of assuming?
Faceuming.
#stupid
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Today I learned that Albert Einstein was an actual physicist
I always thought he was just a theoretical physicist
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Orion's belt is a huge waist of space.
#wordplay
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I just asked my 9 year old son what he learned in school today
He said “apparently not enough because I have to go back tomorrow”.
#other
@Sickipedia
A man walked into a Men's Warehouse and an employee asked if he needed any help trying on suits. He said "No thanks."
The employee said "suit yourself."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Stop looking for the perfect match
use a lighter!
#wordplay
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What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
#wordplay
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I once lived just a stone's throw away from a family
who all died of mysterious head injuries
#other
@Sickipedia
My girlfriend always said that the male genitalia is not attractive, so I decided to cover my balls in mascara, eyeshadow and glitter. I'm pretty sure she liked it.
As soon as she saw them she said "Wow, that's pretty nuts."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Why do programmers prefer dark-mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My girlfriend just told me she’s had a Brazilian
I’m not good with numbers but that sounds like a fucking lot to me
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
All the fraternities in my college rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick to get in.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What’s the most innocent way to protest against capitalism?
just type in small letters :’)
#wordplay
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I got a message in a bottle the other day
I couldn’t read it cos the bottle was on fire and hurled through my window but I got the message
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Doctor: "I think you should avoid eating anything fatty."
Patient: "Like what? Pizzas? Hamburgers?"
Doctor: "No, fatty. Don't eat at all."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I needed a password eight characters long ...
So I chose Snow White and The Seven Dwarves.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."
#other
@Sickipedia