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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A reporter heard that a man in town was turning 101 years old and went to interview him. He asked him "What's the secret to your long life?"
The old man said "The secret to long life is clean living: never drink alcohol, never smoke, never use foul language."
Just then they heard a commotion and string of expletives coming from the foyer. "Who's that?" the reporter asked.
"Oh, that's just my older brother coming home drunk from the cigar shop again."
#other
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How do you say non-binary in Italian?
Non-binaro or non-binara, based on gender
#other
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Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
#wordplay
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I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It's an oughtobiography.
#wordplay
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Recently my Girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back
And I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
#wordplay
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Two women friends run into each other on the street…
1: “Omg, it’s so good to see you! How have you been?”
2: “Not too bad. Just feeling a little bit under the weather.”
1: “What’s wrong?”
2: “Oh, it’s nothing really, just a sore throat.”
1: “You know, I actually have a trick for that. Whenever I have a sore throat, I go to my husband, and perform a bl*wjob on him. And I go down on him hard. It really does help. You should definitely try that.”
2: “I will. Thanks for the tip!”
They say goodbyes, and go their separate ways.
The very next day they run into each other again…
1: “How is your throat?”
2: “I gotta tell you, your advice actually helped. But your husband was very surprised when I showed up, and told him that you were okay with it."
#sexandshit
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My husband told me: "You are the kind of woman they write books about".
Turns out it's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition.
#other
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A friend of mine traded his car in for a phone.
Now he's got Nokia.
#wordplay
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My brother named his son after our father which I wanted to do so, I changed my name to my brothers name.
Now we're Evan.
#wordplay
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All i do is crush cans all day
It's sodapressing
#wordplay
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My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
#wordplay
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When the staff won’t let me on the airplane, my instinct is to become violent. Please don't judge me for it.
We all have a fight or flight response.
#wordplay
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In England, what is the most commonly used letter?
‘N’ - it appears twice.
#wordplay
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I asked my wife what she wants for our anniversary, she said "a divorce."
I said, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
#boomerhumor
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What do you call a man married to 4 musician wives?
Has band
#wordplay
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What music genre do scissors not like?
Rock
#wordplay
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A guy wakes up with a massive hangover and stumbles into the kitchen, where he finds his wife.
“Hey, honey, did you upgrade the bathroom?” he asks.
“Why do you ask?” she replies, curious.
“Well, I opened the bathroom door, the light turned on by itself, and a cool breeze blew right into my face! It was amazing!”
His wife glares at him and says, “So you’re the idiot who pissed in the fridge last night!”
#other
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With great power comes a huge electric bill.
#wordplay
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My Grandma just discovered Kanye West and she loves him.
She's so excited. And I told her "look. I get it. He makes amazing music and he's really talented. But he's said a lot of bad things about black people and some horrible things about Jews." And she replied "Wait. He makes music? "
#other
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"What actually is ghee?" I asked my Indian friend.
"It's butter," he clarified.
#wordplay
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What did one frog say to the other frog?
Time’s fun when you’re having flies!
#wordplay
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I was flirting with the most gorgeous woman at the bar last night. At one point I told her “Believe it or not, I have the most famous last name in all of Ireland.”
She smiled and replied, “Oh really?” And I’m like “how did you know?!”
#wordplay
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Hi, I'm a termite and my name is Clint.
Clint Eatswood.
#wordplay
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My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now
#other
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I’ve been told that icy is the easiest word to spell. Now that I’m looking at it…
I see why
#wordplay
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Most guys have a fantasy of having sex with 2 women at once...
I have fantasy's of having sex with 1 woman twice.
#other
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There are many deaths caused by alcohol, but that's fine ...
... because the number of pregnancies caused by alcohol outweighs the deaths.
#other
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If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books,
it spells out a secret message…
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
#wordplay
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My wife: "Are you drinking again?!"
Me: "No, it's just tea"
Wife: "Oh yeah?! What kind of tea?"
Me: "Tea... quila"
#wordplay
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Do you know the difference between orphans and apples?
Apple gets picked.
#other
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