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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I dated a dolphin for a while until she broke up with me.
We just weren’t clicking.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Adding an extra 's' to the word needles is needless.
#wordplay
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The Mafia leader asks his right-hand man if he would do anything he says.
The guy says he’ll do anything for his boss. "Ok then, take this plastic cup, go into the bathroom, jerk off, and bring it out."
Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out.
The Mafia leader says, "Good, good. Now do it again. Don't forget to bring it out."
The Mafia leader hands him a new cup. So the guy goes back into the bathroom and does the same thing. He walks out tired with much less in the cup than the first time. This routine goes on for three more times. The Mafia leader sees this and says, "Very good, very good. Do it one last time."
He hands him a new cup and the guy goes back into the bathroom. The guy is barely able to walk and drags himself out of the bathroom. He comes out and there's hardly a tiny drop in the cup.
The Mafia leader now says, "Alright Paulie, I want you to take my daughter to the movies and bring her back.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
What's the worst part about sitting in traffic?
Drivers constantly yelling at you to stand up and get off the road.
#other
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My wife caught me sucking in my stomach while standing on the bathroom scale. "Ha! That’s not going to help" She said. "Sure, it does" I said...
It’s the only way I can see the numbers!
#other
@Sickipedia
You might think the lead singer is in charge of the band, but it's really the guitarist who is pulling all the strings.
#wordplay
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I'm only ever sick on work days, thanks to my weekend immune system.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Supposedly 30% of the world's population lets their pets sleep in bed with them.
I'm really upset though, because I tried it yesterday and now my goldfish is dead.
#other
@Sickipedia
"No thanks, I'm a vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you a baby.
#oldbutgold
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You matter!
You have mass and occupy space.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm a Believer" by the Monkees because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding...
...But then I saw her face
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I used to run a dating service for chickens.
But I was struggling to make hens meet.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Mean girls aren’t as bad as people say.
In reality, they’re just about average.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Today, I told my really hot co-worker how I felt and she felt the same.
So I turned on the air-conditioner.
#other
@Sickipedia
I named my eraser Confidence because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.
#other
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What did the extraterrestrial say to the bottle of water?
Take me to your LITER!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My SO likes to Play "All Star" During Sex
Well, they start coming, and they don't stop coming
#wordplay
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I keep forgetting my password so I changed it to "incorrect"
Now if I forget it I just put in anything and it says "your password is incorrect".
#other
@Sickipedia
John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. "
What do you think you're going to do with the money?" John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him — he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."
Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
#other
@Sickipedia
I'm having a hard time getting the yoga instructor I hired online to leave my house...
Every time I ask them to leave, they just say “namaste”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
When Google turned 25 years old, Leonardo DiCaprio switched to Yahoo.
#other
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After you’ve finished a case of beer, both you and the beer are drunk.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
#other
@Sickipedia
I prefer porn with subtitles, so that I can figure out what the animals are saying.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Why is the first episode of a tv series called a pilot?
Because it’s the first time it’s on the air.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
#wordplay
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If life gives you melons
You probably have dyslexia
#wordplay
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At dinner, my girlfriend suddenly told me, “It’s over between us”.
Me: Why?
Her: For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I see. And for the main course?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Your vet won't tell you this, but if your dog is running a fever, get it some ketchup. It really is the best thing for a hot dog.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia