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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The Irishman replied, "These are Carol's"
#wordplay
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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"
#sexandshit
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Where do pirates like to shop?
At the secondhand store.
#wordplay
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What do the movies “The Sixth Sense” and Titanic have in common?
Icy dead people
#oldbutgoold
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My wife was pissed at me for having an Only fan’s subscription
I dunno know why, she said I needed to be more supportive of our daughter
#sexandshit
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I asked my wife to rate my listening skills. She said “you’re an 8 on a scale of 10”.
I have no idea why she would want me to urinate on a skeleton.
#wordplay
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My dog swallowed my credit card and had to be put down
I don’t know what’s worse. Losing my best friend, or having to tap and pay with a dead dog.
#other
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I don’t know all the details about military ranks
but I have the general idea.
#wordplay
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The asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in Earth's history.
#wordplay
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My mate said he’s slept with 2 Brazilian women.
I said “wow that’s a lot!!”
#wordplay
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A Doctor and two Lawyers are on a train ride.
The doctor gets comfortable, takes off his shoes and decides he is thirsty and is going to take a trip to the snack car. He asks the lawyers,
“Hey I am going to go get a Coke, do either of you want one?”
One lawyer shakes his head, no. The other lawyer says, “Sure, grab me one, thanks!”
So the doctor walks off to the snack car and while he is gone, the lawyer that asked for the coke says to the other lawyer “watch this” And spits a huge loogie into one of the Doctor’s shoes.
The other lawyer finds this hilarious and upon the doctor returning decides that he now would like a coke. He asks “Hey Doc, you know a Coke sounds, nice, could you grab me one too?”
The Doctor replies, “of course!” heads back to the snack car and while there, the second lawyer spits a huge loogie into the Doctor’s other shoe.
Once the Doctor returns with the second Coke, he gives it to the other lawyer and then decides he is going to get some sleep, still with his shoes off, the Doctor lays his head back and passes out for an hour or so…
Finally, after the Doctor wakes up to the sound of the train arriving at his station, he puts on his shoes, the Lawyers burst out laughing and the Doctor immediately realizes what has happened and exclaims to the Lawyers,
“You know guys, this is petty! The feud between our two professions needs to stop! It’s getting out of hand, you know, the spit in the shoes, the dick in the Cokes!”
#oldbutgold
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I plotted all of my past relationships on a graph.
It has an “ex” axis and a “why” axis.
#other
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A hotel guest walks into the rooftop bar...
He tell the bartender, "I bet you a $100 bar tab I can jump off that balcony and be totally fine!"
"Sure, whatever," says the bartender.
The man gets a running start and leaps off the balcony. A few minutes later he comes running back into the bar soaking wet and laughing.
"The hotel pool is under that balcony," he laughs. "You owe me $100 in drinks!"
A week later, the same guy comes into the bar and tells the bartender the exact same thing.
"I bet you a $100 bar tab I can jump off that balcony and be totally fine!"
"Sure, whatever," says the bartender.
The man gets a running start and leaps off the balcony.
Another man sitting at the bar turns to the bartender. "Hey," he says, "Don't you remember that guy from last week? I can't believe you fell for that trick again!"
The bartender says, "And I can't believe that guy didn't notice they've drained the pool for cleaning."
#oldbutgold
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The bartender looks at them and points to a sign, labeled: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks the gentlemen to leave. They reluctantly get up and leave before any discussion between them occurs.
The next day, a horse walks in to this same bar. Once again, the bartender points to the sign: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE". With a long face, the horse gets up from his bar stool and leaves the building.
The day after that, a chicken walks in to the bar. The bartender approaches the chicken as it sits down. He once again points to the sign and says, "I am sorry, but we don't allow jokes to be served here."
"Fine!" says the chicken, clucking with disapproval. "But can you at least tell me where else can I get a drink around here?"
The bartender replies, "yeah, there's another bar across the road."
#other
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What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.
#wordplay
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Wife: What the actual fuck!? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!
Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.
Wife: And when does that part start?
Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.
#sexandshit
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In 3,026 years, life will either be fantastic or really bad.
It's 5050.
#wordplay
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Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"
"Your parents when you move out."
#other
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Did you hear about the man who only paid 5 cents for a prosthetic eye?
His name was Nikolai
#wordplay
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I was talking to a woman in a bar and felt like things were going well so I ordered another round. She said “before we go any further I need to ask, what kind of date are you? I tried to be clever and said “I m the kind of date that doesn’t mind helping with the breakfast dishes.” She said “I’ve ask that more times than I care to admit and that’s the best answer ever. Let’s go to my apartment.” Check please. We got there, walk in, she says “the kitchen is right this way, you wash, I’ll dry.”
#other
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I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor on the first day at work.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
#wordplay
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If at first you don’t succeed
Then skydiving probably isn’t for you
#oldbutgold
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
#oldbutgold
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Premature ejaculation has its benefits:
By the time my wife tells me she has a headache
I'm already lighting up a cigarette
#sexandshit
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When I found out there were women in the military, I told the recruiter “I can’t take orders from girls!”
“...because they don’t talk to me!”
#other
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Four middle-aged Jewish women are having lunch in a restaurant.
Midway through the meal the waiter comes to their table and says, "Ladies, is anything all right?"
#other
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A man loses three fingers in an accident. At the hospital, he asks the doctor; Will I be able to drive with this hand?"
Doctor: Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it.
#wordplay
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Newton, Darwin, and a modern Scientist go to heaven.
God is standing at the gate.
"Your research will determine whether you may enter heaven."
Newton is up first.
He shows God "Principia".
God smiles reading Newton's description of gravity.
God shakes his hand and opens the gate for him.
Next up is Darwin.
He shows God "Origin of Species".
God says "You nailed it!"
He lets him in.
Finally, the modern Scientist is up.
God asks to see his work.
"Sorry", he says.
"It's paywalled."
#other
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I asked my boss, “Can I get two weeks off in December?”
Boss: It’s May.
Me: Sorry. May I get two weeks off in December?
#wordplay
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You can't change a conservative's mind on abortion by convincing them a fetus is not a person.
Try convincing them a fetus is an undocumented person living in their country instead.
#politics
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